It is all quite strange...and I am currently unable to explain it all. from all outward appearances I look good! (well as good as an old fat man can!)
I have weird brain/motivation issues...I go in spurts on various things, and have weird trepidations of doing some things...till today this site was among them...but as everything seems to have a time constraint...who knows how long I will be here. More scans, more neurologists, my strokes affect my memory and my eyesight, but 99% of the physical limitations I have worked out. Juggling has been good for that! I drop a lot, forcing me to bend down and pick up...I can't last long but can do 5 minute spurts a few times an hour.
I have one thing piled on another physically, some days can walk a half mile..other days I rest halfway up a flight of stairs...I pace myself...but my motto is 'get stronger or die trying' I have been trying now for 2.5 years.
The ECMO is exacting some sort of toll on my legs and stamina, but I can't complain, every new doc I see is amazed I am not in a wheel chair still....currenlty no walker, no cane, but often when I am out I wish I had one...lol. Have yet to resort to the little scooters in the grocery store but have xome close...those cards/buggies are sort of like walkers for me...
ry
It has been an interesting road... I have often read about 'observing the observer' I sort of get it now...I have been observing my thought...and occasionally been observing the evolution of that thought. I have gained extreme respect for those that are fighting health issues...sitting in a car as someone opens the door and trying to figure out how to get your legs out the car...and what to use to stand up...and rejecting the help cause they always pull something wrong for my back or hips...lol...they want nothing but to help...and you have to stop them...I so recall my uncle doing similar for years...as I stood there "hurry up old man" in my head...payback is the perverbial bitch but it sure is enlightening now.
I sleep a lot..sometimes fixing breakfast makes me need a nap after sleeping 10 hours...some is the blame ofthe plethora of meds flowing thru me.
At the beginning, I was minute by minute as far as life expectancy...that worked upto days and in rehab weeks I came out the hospital with so many precautions and worries...and got totally used to the uncertainty of life. It is weird to me the level of comfort I developed in the situation. And converting that after a second surgery to you may live for years, or even decades....I still have not been able to get my mind wrapped aroud that!
I lived my life, at times like a madman, without a care, rarely worrying about consequences like death and hospitalization. I never anticipated living this long...but now my previous choices have slowed me to the point where that is revised. I can no longer be wild and crazy physically.
All that being said...mentally and physically I may have issues but my attitude is awesome...In ways the rose colored glasses still work, my outlook is positive...mostly because I have never understood the benefit of being negative (beyond pragmatic that is).
I may roll in and roll out. My family knows I participate here...they will stop in should anything happen...
So I order you all....zero worries about me...rock on spreading understanding...I don't wanna get political but trump really did point out chinks in my armor and level of acceptance for all views in life.
(i just accidentally discovered cntrl i changes font...does cntrl b? yes it does!)
this little bit of knowledge makes me giddy....lol.
So again...I am good...I am alive... I AM! if I don't show up, there is evidently some mental sabbatical I needed.
virtual socially distanced hugz to you all....this site is part of my heart and even when I am not hear, knowing you are and discussion is going on, pleases me greatly!
I have weird brain/motivation issues...I go in spurts on various things, and have weird trepidations of doing some things...till today this site was among them...but as everything seems to have a time constraint...who knows how long I will be here. More scans, more neurologists, my strokes affect my memory and my eyesight, but 99% of the physical limitations I have worked out. Juggling has been good for that! I drop a lot, forcing me to bend down and pick up...I can't last long but can do 5 minute spurts a few times an hour.
I have one thing piled on another physically, some days can walk a half mile..other days I rest halfway up a flight of stairs...I pace myself...but my motto is 'get stronger or die trying' I have been trying now for 2.5 years.
The ECMO is exacting some sort of toll on my legs and stamina, but I can't complain, every new doc I see is amazed I am not in a wheel chair still....currenlty no walker, no cane, but often when I am out I wish I had one...lol. Have yet to resort to the little scooters in the grocery store but have xome close...those cards/buggies are sort of like walkers for me...
ry
It has been an interesting road... I have often read about 'observing the observer' I sort of get it now...I have been observing my thought...and occasionally been observing the evolution of that thought. I have gained extreme respect for those that are fighting health issues...sitting in a car as someone opens the door and trying to figure out how to get your legs out the car...and what to use to stand up...and rejecting the help cause they always pull something wrong for my back or hips...lol...they want nothing but to help...and you have to stop them...I so recall my uncle doing similar for years...as I stood there "hurry up old man" in my head...payback is the perverbial bitch but it sure is enlightening now.
I sleep a lot..sometimes fixing breakfast makes me need a nap after sleeping 10 hours...some is the blame ofthe plethora of meds flowing thru me.
At the beginning, I was minute by minute as far as life expectancy...that worked upto days and in rehab weeks I came out the hospital with so many precautions and worries...and got totally used to the uncertainty of life. It is weird to me the level of comfort I developed in the situation. And converting that after a second surgery to you may live for years, or even decades....I still have not been able to get my mind wrapped aroud that!
I lived my life, at times like a madman, without a care, rarely worrying about consequences like death and hospitalization. I never anticipated living this long...but now my previous choices have slowed me to the point where that is revised. I can no longer be wild and crazy physically.
All that being said...mentally and physically I may have issues but my attitude is awesome...In ways the rose colored glasses still work, my outlook is positive...mostly because I have never understood the benefit of being negative (beyond pragmatic that is).
I may roll in and roll out. My family knows I participate here...they will stop in should anything happen...
So I order you all....zero worries about me...rock on spreading understanding...I don't wanna get political but trump really did point out chinks in my armor and level of acceptance for all views in life.
(i just accidentally discovered cntrl i changes font...does cntrl b? yes it does!)
this little bit of knowledge makes me giddy....lol.
So again...I am good...I am alive... I AM! if I don't show up, there is evidently some mental sabbatical I needed.
virtual socially distanced hugz to you all....this site is part of my heart and even when I am not hear, knowing you are and discussion is going on, pleases me greatly!
s, his right hand barely poking through the pile of boiling pelts*
