The Wisdom of Snajay

[Namaste Jesus]

"The Wisdom of Snajay"
A series of random short stories and anecdotes, chronicling the crazy, hilarious and often profound things our Grandnephew, Snajay (that's his nickname... don't ask), said and did when he was a kid.

First up:

"But God Made All That Stuff"

Snajay was rather outspoken at an early age, quick to share an opinion and staunch in his position. Unfortunately, this got him into trouble on more than one occasion. Such was the case when his 2nd grade class was learning about the theory of evolution.

Snajay's teacher began her lesson, explaining how life began, simple organisms evolving and so forth. Well, Snajay was having none of it...

Teacher: Life began as a simple organism, blah, blah, blah, millions of years, blah, blah, blah and that's how all the different animals came to be. Any questions? Yes, Snajay?

Snajay: But God made all that stuff...

Teacher: Well yes I understand that position, but science takes a different approach.

Snajay: Yeah, but if all life came from the same source, why aren't we all the same thing now?

Teacher: Well, environment, blah, blah, blah, changing climate, blah, blah, blah, animals had to adapt, blah, blah, blah...

Snajay: Then how come there's fish, toads and turtles in the same pond and why do people who live in cold and hot places look the same as people from dry and wet places?

At a loss for words, his teacher foolishly tries to outsmart a 7 year old...

Teacher: Well, why would God make dinosaurs?

Snajay: So in the future we'd have gas for our cars.

This went on for a while with Snajay matching his teacher quip for quip as the rest of the class roared. Eventually his teacher gave up for the day and moved onto something else, but the drama continued the next day and the day after that. Eventually his teacher scheduled an in-home meeting with Snajay's parents in the hopes of resolving the issue.

She told his parents that she herself favored creation over evolution, but that she was contractually obligated to teach the curriculum provided by the state and that Snajay's constant disruptions had become problematic. This came as a surprise to Snajay's mother, because neither she nor his father ever pushed religion, she being Hindu and his father a non practicing Christian. Snajay knew about God from helping his mother with pooja exercises, but had not been taught in depth nor had the subject of where we came from ever come up. Apparently, he drew the inference on his own.

After his teacher left, Snajay's mother went all Bhagavad Gita on him! She explained the importance of duty and how his job as a student was to learn and to get good grades and not to disrupt others in the performance of their duty. Reluctantly, he agreed and ceased to act up in class, but it was obvious by his test scores his heart was not in it. That's when I got involved. I explained to him in terms I knew he would understand, that the theory evolution doesn't mean creation never happened, but was just an attempt to use known principles to explain how God did it. You could almost see the light bulb go on over his head.

Snajay: Oh, so science is just another kind of religion! (I didn't quibble on that, the kid was on a roll) Like mommy and daddy use different names for God, scientists call creation, evolution. So our teacher is just teaching us about that religion.

Me: (I decided not to risk what progress had been made and just went with that) Exactly! So, since it's about science, your test answers need to be what they believe and not what you believe.

Snajay: Oh, ok I get it now!

Snajay brought home a "B" in science that year and completed 2nd grade. I got a kick out of one of the science tests his mother showed me. He got every answer correct, but after each one he wrote, "but I don't agree" lol! He's 18 now and still refers to evolution as the religion of science.

Next up: "Crossing a Bitch" (It's not what you think)

 

[RJM]

 

[Namaste Jesus]

"Crossing a Bitch" (It's not what you think)

When Snajay was around 2, one of his favorite toys were these oversize building blocks he had received for Christmas. He'd spend hours and hours constructing these massive towers and whenever we came for a visit, he'd expect me to help him build. So one day I made a bridge between the two towers we had constructed. Well, this kid was utterly fascinated. I mean, it was like a whole new world just opened up for him.

Snajay: Mom, Mom, look what Uncle made!!!

His Mom: Oh, Uncle made a bridge.

Problem was, try as he might, he could not say the word bridge. It always came out like this...

Snajay: Hey Dad, come see Uncle's Bitch!

For 2 years that's what he called bridges and whenever we'd drop by...

Snajay: Hey Uncle, let's build another Bitch!

We gave up trying to correct him and it just became the family joke. That is, until we took him and his mom to the annual Corvair Club picnic, together with another couple.

I had forgotten that our journey would take us across a huge 2 mile suspension bridge. You guessed it. Snajay spots the bridge ahead and gets excited beyond belief!

Snajay: Hey Uncle, look at that Bitch! I've never seen such a big Bitch. Are we going to get on that Bitch? Wow, how long is that Bitch. That's the biggest Bitch I've ever seen! Wait until I tell my Daddy we went for a ride on a giant Bitch!

...and on and on and on. It was freaking hilarious! Though the couple with us was quite mortified. Eventually we did tell them the story and we all had a good laugh.

Thankfully, around the age of 4 he started using the correct term.

Next up: "Snajay's Bus Trip To Fiji"

 

[Namaste Jesus]

"Bus Trip To Fiji"

Snajay had just turned four and the wife and I decided to take him and his mom with us on a trip to Fiji. It had been a while since we had seen family and friends there and they were also anxious to see Snajay, whom they had never met. Now up to this point, the longest trip Snajay had ever been on was a bus trip into the city. So when I told him we were all going to Fiji, that was his only point of reference. Still, he was very excited and couldn't wait to begin the journey.

That day finally arrived and we all headed off to the airport to begin the first leg of our journey. From our location, counting time in the air and layovers, reaching Fiji takes about 26 hours all told. This was a concern from the beginning as Snajay is shall we say, a might hyperactive and a wee precocious. Anyhow, caution to the wind and off we went. Once we reached the terminal, of course Snajay wants to know if this is Fiji.

Snajay: Wow, Fiji is big!

Me: No, this is just where the trip begins. Fiji is a long way off!

Snajay: Oh, so this is where we catch the bus to Fiji?

The little guy caught me off guard as this was the first time bus had been mentioned.

Me: Ahhh.. something like that.

So, we go to check in. I tried to use the automated kiosk, but being an international flight with connections, we needed to check-in in person. So we go to the counter and present our documents and ID. Well, patience not Snajay's forte, he gets annoyed at the length of time it's taking.

Snajay: Those tickets are real you know... my uncle made them!

It was about this time, three TSA officials snapped to attention!

Me: Ahhh... he means I printed them out, not that I literally made them! Under my breath, shut up kid....

Eventually, we get our bags checked and boarding passes and head for the security line.

Snajay: Are all these people going to Fiji? Why do they need to x-ray everyone's bags, are they looking for broken bones? What, shoes too? What kinda place is this?

Me: Shush, that's just how they do things to make sure everyone is safe.

Okay, on to the metal detectors. Snajay is the first one through. Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep!!!! No one thought to check his pockets. Metal Hot Wheels car. Two of them! TSA was nice about, said it happens all the time, but I kind of knew we were on this guys radar since the incident at check-in.

Finally, we make it to the departure lounge. We had some time to spare, so I took Snajay to the window to show him the airplanes and to explain further about air travel. This was his first time flying.

Me: See, pointing to our plane pulling up to the terminal, we're all going to Los Angeles in that.

Snajay: Wow, that's a really big bus!

Me: What? No, that's an airplane! We're going to fly to Los Angeles!

Snajay: People can't fly Uncle. That's a bus!

Tried in vain to convenience him otherwise, but eventually gave up. Snajay went off the subject too and started looking for something else to amuse himself with. In this case a door marked; No Admittance - Security Only. Well, the door didn't open, but damn those alarms are loud! Once again, drawing TSA's attention.

Me: Sorry, he got away from me there. Won't happen again... Kid, I'm gonna strangle you!

Thankfully, right then they started making boarding announcements over the PA.

Airline Announcer: Welcome to United Airways flight, blah, blah, blah, non-stop to Los Angeles International, blah, blah, blah, we'll begin boarding our Boeing 737 AIR-BUS, shortly.

Snajay: See uncle? I told you it was a bus!

Next time: "Uncle, You're Not Going To Believe This, But There's A Toilet In The Closet!"

 

[Namaste Jesus]

"Uncle, You're Not Going To Believe This, But There's A Toilet In The Closet!"

Okay, so we finally board the plane to begin the first leg of our journey. Snajay was quite impressed with the accommodations.

Snajay: Wow, this is the biggest and fanciest bus I've ever been on!

It was about that time he noticed something he found quite disturbing.

Snajay: Hey, wait a minute... where's the driver?

Me: He's behind that door in the very front of the plane.

Snajay: Well, how's he gonna see behind him when he backs up?

Me: He doesn't need to see behind him, because the plane doesn't have reverse. It gets pushed back from the terminal.

Snajay: Well that's stupid!

Okay, so we get pushed back from the terminal and the pilot fires up the engines and begins taxiing to the runway. There were quite a few planes in front of us so it was a slow go.

Snajay: If this is all the faster this things goes, it's gonna take forever to get to Fiji!

Me: We're not going to drive to Fiji, the pilot's just waiting for his turn to takeoff.

Snajay: What's he gonna take off?

Me: Not the pilot, the plane. We're going up in the air.

Snajay: Yea, right....

Finally, we reach the front of the line. The pilot floors it and away we go!

Snajay: (Feeling the plane lurch forward and speed down the runway) Whoa, that's more like it!

Me: Oh this is nothing. Wait until we liftoff!

Nose high we leave the ground and because of noise restriction at our local airport, head almost straight up into the clouds. Now I was prepared for Snajay to be scared to death, but to my surprise he loved it!

Snajay: (Looking out the window as the ground fell away) COOL BEANS!!!

The flight attendants and neighboring passengers got a good chuckle out of that. Before long though, Snajay started getting restless and wouldn't stay in his seat. I tried to contain him, but the little fellow gets quite loud when he doesn't get his own way. Luckily the flight staff had experience with pint size terrors and came to our rescue.

Flight Attendant: (To Snajay's mom) Is this your little boy? Would he like to visit the cockpit? (To Snajay) That's where the pilots sit.

Snajay: (Pointing behind) Yea, I wanna talk to him about those bumps we hit back there! (we had just encountered some turbulence)

The attendant led him off, giving us all a brief break. They returned about 15 minutes later with Snajay beaming from ear to ear, sporting a gold plastic wings pin.

Snajay: Uncle, Uncle... this thing's got 2 steering wheels! (Catching his breath) and a whole bunch of switches and dials and lights and everything! (Tugging at his wing pin, showing us and everyone else) Look guys, I'm a crew member now!

Snajay settled down, shared some snacks with 2 little girls sitting behind us and the rest of the flight was thankfully, uneventful. That is until Snajay had to use the rest room and his mother took him to the plane's toilet area. Moments later, here comes Snajay running down the aisle...

Snajay: UNCLE, UNCLE!!!! You're not going to believe this, but there's a metal toilet in the closet back there!!! And when you push the button, everything gets sucked out... WOOOOOOSH!!!! (Waiving his arms wildly)

Everyone in earshot, (the entire plane), cracked up!

Next Time: "Snajay Calls a Fiji Immigration Officer a Dumbass"

 

[Namaste Jesus]

"Snajay Calls a Fiji Immigration Officer a Dumbass!"

Okay, so we arrive in Los Angeles. LAX is a mad house on a good day, so Snajay was pretty much too overwhelmed and sleepy to be much trouble.

Snajay: Fiji sure is crowded.

Me: We're not in Fiji yet I'm afraid. We've got another plane to catch, 6 hours before it takes off and about 10 more hours in the air before we reach Fiji!

Snajay: (Droopy eyed) Awww, Man......

So we make our way to the Bradley Terminal on the other side of the airport to check in and wait for our connecting flight. By this time Snajay was going down for the count, his eyes slamming shut every couple minutes. That gave us time to visit the rest room and freshen up a bit before getting our boarding passes. Now it was just a matter of, hurry up and wait.

After a while our plane arrived, with Snajay just waking up from his nap. I took him to the window to see the enormous 747-400 we'd be flying in as it was refueled and prepped for flight. By this time it was starting to get dark.

Me: (Pointing to the giant aircraft) Look at the size of that bus!

Snajay: What bus?

Me: The one right there! (still pointing)

Snajay: I don't see any bus, just a long building with a bunch of windows and doors!

Apparently, buses have size limits that once exceeded, become housing! Who knew..?

Me: Huh...???

Snajay: That big white building right there. Is that a hotel or something? Are we going to stay there?

Me: Ummm... yea, sure. Why not? And when we wake up we'll be in Fiji.

Snajay: Good, cause I'm pooped!

Eventually, we all boarded the plane with Snajay out like a light. He slept nearly the entire time, only waking to eat and to watch a cartoon. That was a mixed blessing though, because by the time we landed at Nadi International, Snajay was wide awake and ready to take on the world!

First stop was immigration to present travel documents. Long lines as usual, with few lanes open, but thankfully, the wife and Snajay's mom have Fiji passports allowing us to use the shortest one. By the time we reached the front of the line, Snajay had become rather vocal and unruly.

Snajay: Why's it taking so long? I wanna go outside! ...and on and on

Me: Hush kid, we're almost there!

So we hand over our passports for inspection. Now, Snajay's dad was in the military and unfortunately, the little fellow picked up quite a colorful vocabulary from him. The immigration officer looks everything over and prepares to stamp our passports. Well, one of the passports was new and wouldn't stay open, so the immigration officer had a hard time getting it stamped.

Snajay: (loud) DUMBASS!

Native Fijians are kind of big and this fellow was none to pleased. He shoves our passports back at us and gives me a look that would have melted stone!

Me: Sorry about that, bula vinak vakelevu. (good day, thank you very much).

Okay, on to customs. Under the penalty of death, I warned Snajay not to speak. Now, the trick to getting through customs in Fiji is to declare something. Otherwise, they'll inspect every bag. So I usually just declare candy or lolly as they call them.

Customs Official: Anything to declare?

Me: Yes, we have some lolly for the kids. (showing him the bags)

Snajay: Hey, where'd you get those? I didn't know we had those. Why did you give them to him? I want some... give them back!

Customs Official: (actually laughing as he pointed to the exit) Go through.

Me: (hand over Snajay's mouth) Bula vinak vakelevu.

Next time: To be continued... maybe....