I have been a little confused lately and sure would appreciate some feedback ...So I was born and brought up a Hindu but about 10 years ago was introduced to the Hare Krishna movement and became a firm believer in it oan In a more personal level. But recently have been getting closer to a classmate, who is an atheist. Personally, I can get over the race difference but I guess I always thought I would be with someone who had the same beliefs as me. He is open to learning about my beliefs but having someone convert because he wants to be with me…it doesn’t seem like the right reasons…At the same time, it feels like we all do come from the same place, and we all equally have Krishna residing in us…should I make a distinction based on that? Is it enough that he cares about me and will keep me happy? Or will he..? Things will get complicated when we have kids and if we decide to bring them up differently…Can I be with someone who doesn’t believe in the existence of God but truly admires the world around him(he is a photographer), which is in essence, Krishna’s beauty? Is character more important, if he is a good person and we have such a great connection? If he is open to let me continue to follow my own beliefs, is that enough? Or if I believe that the very goal of life is Krishna, I should find someone who shares the same goal as me? When choosing not to be with him, am I just choosing an easier path?
Boundaries??
- Thread starter romap
- Start date
path_of_one
Embracing the Mystery
You know... no one can answer these questions for you. You have to seek the answers within yourself.
My husband and I (of 12 years) do not share the same beliefs and practices. But we share respect and we believe each of our paths is right for us individually. Were we to have children, they would be raised with an interfaith knowledge and taught to choose for themselves anyway.
I have always thought character, compassion, and love are more important than being similar to my spouse. Aside from this, people change over time and you might begin with being similar to someone, and drift into different people over time.
In my opinion, conversion just to marry is not for heartfelt reasons. So long as two people can be mutually respectful, supportive, and loving, I think it is fine for them to follow different spiritual paths.
My husband and I (of 12 years) do not share the same beliefs and practices. But we share respect and we believe each of our paths is right for us individually. Were we to have children, they would be raised with an interfaith knowledge and taught to choose for themselves anyway.
I have always thought character, compassion, and love are more important than being similar to my spouse. Aside from this, people change over time and you might begin with being similar to someone, and drift into different people over time.
In my opinion, conversion just to marry is not for heartfelt reasons. So long as two people can be mutually respectful, supportive, and loving, I think it is fine for them to follow different spiritual paths.
Nick the Pilot
Well-Known Member
Hi Romap,
I am a counselor, and I have experience with inter-faith couples. Here is what I have learned. You must find your answers to these questions.
First, you have to decide how important your religion is to you, and how important it is to you to have a partner of the same religion. Some people do not care, but for other people it is a deal-breaker. For me, I think it is probably a deal-breaker. You have to decide for yourself.
I strongly advise against converting to the other person's religion for the sake of marriage, unless the other really wants to join that religion anyway. In such a case, the person should convert to the new religion of their own accord, not because of an impending religion. The main caveat here is that some people do not care about religion, so for these people, it does not really matter which religion they belong to, so perhaps they could switch religions easily. But I do not think you are in this kind of situation.
Both of you also need to sit down ONCE and discuss all of the differences between the two religions in great detail, and tell each other what you do not like about each other's religion. This way, you can get all of it out in the open and on the table to discuss.
The next step is to "agree to disagree" on all religious ideas you disagree on. Many couples cannot do this. You need to find out if both of you can just agree to disagree, or if this is going to be something that the two of you are going to argue about.
Next, the two of you must sit down and talk about all of the members of each of your families, and how each family member feels about an inter-faith marriage. Does either of you have a relative who is really pushy about religion? How will both of you handle such a relative? The two of you really need a plan of action here that works for both of you.
Another thing that many people do not take into consideration is that some people become much less tolerant as they get older, especially about things like religious differences. You have to put together some sort of game plan to spot when this starts to happen, and what to do about it. This is especially a problem when people have a mid-life crisis. (Yes, a lot of people have mid-life crises, and the two of you need to sit down and discuss how the two of you are going to handle mid-life crises that may not happen until decades in the future.)
Another BIG problem, as you have mentioned, is the religious training of the children. You seem to be taking a wait-and-see approach, that you will talk about it when the time comes. This is a big mistake. You need to sit down right now with your partner and discuss exactly what kind of religious training the children will go through. I have seen a lot of "okay" inter-faith marriages develop a lot of trouble over the religious training of the children.
I'll stop here, and wait to hear your reactions to what I have said so far.
I am a counselor, and I have experience with inter-faith couples. Here is what I have learned. You must find your answers to these questions.
First, you have to decide how important your religion is to you, and how important it is to you to have a partner of the same religion. Some people do not care, but for other people it is a deal-breaker. For me, I think it is probably a deal-breaker. You have to decide for yourself.
I strongly advise against converting to the other person's religion for the sake of marriage, unless the other really wants to join that religion anyway. In such a case, the person should convert to the new religion of their own accord, not because of an impending religion. The main caveat here is that some people do not care about religion, so for these people, it does not really matter which religion they belong to, so perhaps they could switch religions easily. But I do not think you are in this kind of situation.
Both of you also need to sit down ONCE and discuss all of the differences between the two religions in great detail, and tell each other what you do not like about each other's religion. This way, you can get all of it out in the open and on the table to discuss.
The next step is to "agree to disagree" on all religious ideas you disagree on. Many couples cannot do this. You need to find out if both of you can just agree to disagree, or if this is going to be something that the two of you are going to argue about.
Next, the two of you must sit down and talk about all of the members of each of your families, and how each family member feels about an inter-faith marriage. Does either of you have a relative who is really pushy about religion? How will both of you handle such a relative? The two of you really need a plan of action here that works for both of you.
Another thing that many people do not take into consideration is that some people become much less tolerant as they get older, especially about things like religious differences. You have to put together some sort of game plan to spot when this starts to happen, and what to do about it. This is especially a problem when people have a mid-life crisis. (Yes, a lot of people have mid-life crises, and the two of you need to sit down and discuss how the two of you are going to handle mid-life crises that may not happen until decades in the future.)
Another BIG problem, as you have mentioned, is the religious training of the children. You seem to be taking a wait-and-see approach, that you will talk about it when the time comes. This is a big mistake. You need to sit down right now with your partner and discuss exactly what kind of religious training the children will go through. I have seen a lot of "okay" inter-faith marriages develop a lot of trouble over the religious training of the children.
I'll stop here, and wait to hear your reactions to what I have said so far.
shawn
Well-Known Member
In my experience it is fundamentally important that both partners believe at least somewhat similar.
Namely both should accept that there is a god or spiritual component to existence or both should be atheist.
If you try to mix the 2 you will most likely end up with trouble.
It is not necessary that both be of the same religion, but if either, or both are narrow-minded then it will lead to trouble.
In the end everyone has to figure out what they will do for themselves as you walk your road....no one can walk it for you.
None of the advice above or mine is the last word and there are exceptions to every rule.
Do what you will...with love as the basis.
But think things through a bit before you sign any contracts.
Namely both should accept that there is a god or spiritual component to existence or both should be atheist.
If you try to mix the 2 you will most likely end up with trouble.
It is not necessary that both be of the same religion, but if either, or both are narrow-minded then it will lead to trouble.
In the end everyone has to figure out what they will do for themselves as you walk your road....no one can walk it for you.
None of the advice above or mine is the last word and there are exceptions to every rule.
Do what you will...with love as the basis.
But think things through a bit before you sign any contracts.
Hi romap.
I don't recommend writing a few words on the internet and then taking the advice of strangers.
Talk to people you trust and respect in the real world. Clearly there are couples with the same religion who end up unhappy, just as there are couples of differing beliefs who can be happy together all their lives.
Snoopy.
Thank you all for your responses...after talking to loved ones, and thinking myself, I have decided that best is to not pursue it further. I was hesitating from doing that earlier because forst I felt that religion should not be a reason why two people cannot be together. But that is not the true reason, I would always continue my own spiritual path but I think it will be very hard for me not to share what is closest to my heart with my future family...I would like to be able to share my spiritual ideals with my family because it is really, for me, the goal of life...but thank you all for your input...this will be hard for me, but sometimes the right way (just for me, in this case) is the hard way...
The Undecided
Well-Known Member
People generally fall in the two catagories of those who have a belief and those who don't. This is not to say that there is a divide between you and your man, because divisions only exist if we create them. Regarding having children I feel the best way to explain faith is to them is to tell them that there are many faiths and many people who do not have a faith, and that the choices of you and your man are just that, choices. They are personal to you. Neither are right, eccept to you. So teach the child(ren) about religion and let them choose their own path. In terms of choosing a path for yourself you could decide which is more important to you, your connection with your man or your connection with Krishna. However, you can have both if you do not considor your man's lack of faith as a barrier to your own spiritual practice. As you have said "He is open to learning about my beliefs." I feel that faith is a personal perspective on the world and if you both respect each others perspectives then a difference in faith should not be a problem.
TU
nativeastral
fluffy future
must be difficult, especially in situations where family/cultural beliefs have such a strong influence [which encompasses religious or athiest ideology]; but if you get back to original the karmayoga of service without reference to yourself [but necessarily including your own dharma or calling within the whole]...and where this path split off into bhakti [Krishna devotee] or jnana yoga [knowledge]...acknowledging the varieties of approaches according to each individual's quest.
I would agree with the above that children should be encouraged to look beyond their own milieu as Truth is not just in that one place [environmental heritage] negating others. The children need to be more tolerant and inclusive than previous generations for any hope.
Sam Albion
akaFrancisKing:ViveLeRoi!
romap... I know you have made your decision, and that is your to make, but I feel I should reply to your initial post...
To me, sitting here on my sofa, your post both alarms and amuses me...
In my opinion, we all have a place, a role, in life. Not all of us can be sannyasins... Some of us are warriors, some of us mothers, some of us little shepherd boys who steal butter from their mothers' larder and run barefoot with friends and dance the rasa-lila with the gopi's...
But... as you said yourself, we all, in our way, have Krsna residing within us. Perhaps even atheists...
If you are looking for a husband, then this man sounds like someone who would make a good husband and father. "Open to learning about [your] ..beliefs... cares about you... would make you happy".
But... then you've mentioned that "you're at college...you're deeply into Krsna...and he'll convert just to be with you"... and I start to laugh...
Are you looking for a husband? I mean, don't you want to think about your education? You'd be far more valuable to Krsna and ISKCON with a good degree and a good, high-paying job. Living like hippy-tramps is so... ISKCON 1980's... You're not looking for a husband yet, surely? What's the point?
I bet you haven't even kissed yet, and you're already worrying about what religion you'll bring the children up in! Heeheheeeee... you sound so... young, and innocent, and in-love, and I want to pick you up and give you a great big hug and chant the mahamantra, just for you!
If you're not looking for a husband... well... a bit of fun is good... maybe? Sometimes? A few dates, a bit of flirting, a nice meal, the cinema... It doesn't have to be marriage and babies... not yet... surely...?? And, well, I hope you don't hate me for saying so, but Krsna liked fun! Dancing, singing, flirting, nice music, good food -- if it's good enough for the kid who lifts Govardhana Hill, it's good enough for... you...
... the path will be the path, regardless of how much you do, or don't do, to change it... just let life happen...
I wouldn't reccommend that you accept an arranged marriage... bear that in mind... later on in life...
To me, sitting here on my sofa, your post both alarms and amuses me...
In my opinion, we all have a place, a role, in life. Not all of us can be sannyasins... Some of us are warriors, some of us mothers, some of us little shepherd boys who steal butter from their mothers' larder and run barefoot with friends and dance the rasa-lila with the gopi's...
But... as you said yourself, we all, in our way, have Krsna residing within us. Perhaps even atheists...
If you are looking for a husband, then this man sounds like someone who would make a good husband and father. "Open to learning about [your] ..beliefs... cares about you... would make you happy".
But... then you've mentioned that "you're at college...you're deeply into Krsna...and he'll convert just to be with you"... and I start to laugh...
Are you looking for a husband? I mean, don't you want to think about your education? You'd be far more valuable to Krsna and ISKCON with a good degree and a good, high-paying job. Living like hippy-tramps is so... ISKCON 1980's... You're not looking for a husband yet, surely? What's the point?
I bet you haven't even kissed yet, and you're already worrying about what religion you'll bring the children up in! Heeheheeeee... you sound so... young, and innocent, and in-love, and I want to pick you up and give you a great big hug and chant the mahamantra, just for you!
If you're not looking for a husband... well... a bit of fun is good... maybe? Sometimes? A few dates, a bit of flirting, a nice meal, the cinema... It doesn't have to be marriage and babies... not yet... surely...?? And, well, I hope you don't hate me for saying so, but Krsna liked fun! Dancing, singing, flirting, nice music, good food -- if it's good enough for the kid who lifts Govardhana Hill, it's good enough for... you...
... the path will be the path, regardless of how much you do, or don't do, to change it... just let life happen...
I wouldn't reccommend that you accept an arranged marriage... bear that in mind... later on in life...