Need help!!!!: inter religious relationship

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crazylostandugly

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I'm a hindu girl. I love a catholic boy. We have been together for 6 years. I'm close to his family but my family has no clue at all about our r/s ( my mother is slowly starting to suspect now). My parents want me to get married to a brahmin boy. I'm a brahmin..but i have no faith or believe in the caste system at all.

My parents are threatening to commit suicide if they hear about anything involving relationships and me. My rfather has been acting real crazy these days and my mother keeps crying. They keep blaming my friends, which is bullshit and just further infuriates me. My father keeps blaming my mother for my upbringing.( Cos i don't visit the temples every week like they do..no time..and i don't say prayers in the morning..as I have to rush for work and there's no time once again) I know i'm doing something wrong but i still don't see the big mistake with loving a catholic boy.( yea oxymoronic i know..:( ) I have no plans to convert at all and so does he. His parents are completely fine with it. Its emotional torture for me everyday. Ive even thought about killing myself over this..I cant seem to please anyone. it kills me to see my parents..especially my mother suffering. It kills me to know that even in this era and century and in a different country with modern values( where people associate arranged marriage to not being able to find love and as a last resort)..i don't have the freedom to have a relationship. Love happened and i feel that its him i want to be with.

Has anyone ever experienced this before? I really need help. I am 27 this year and it is horrible to be treated like a 17 year old with the parents emotionally blackmailing me all the time.

thanks..
 
its not easy.

I have been on the other side in a similar situation, and there was no easy answer, things are better with the inlaws now that they have grandchildren.
 
I've never been in your shoes, and I have no idea what you "should" do, I can only recommend that you talk a lot to different people about it. People you know, and people you don't know. Work through what your options are.

For me the choice is obvious because me and my sister where in another situation that forced us to leave on parent, who used blame and guilt to control us, permanently to live with the other. There where where no other choice for me as I see it, and things work out, even if unexpectedly.

But it's not the same as your experience, and you have your own choices to make, and they are yours. The one thing that might be the same is that what people use as blackmail are often crap, if this is the case, and you realise that, it is a freedom.
 
crazylostandugly said:
His parents are completely fine with it.
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I think it is necessary in a Catholic marriage for the spouse to convert, otherwise the marriage is not accepted by the church. Are you going to have a civil marriage? How would your children be raised - as Catholics or as hindus? Will they undergo baptism? How would you feel if your son castigates you for not being a Catholic?
 
crazylostandugly,

I have a lot of experience counseling people in your situation, so let me give you some ideas.

You have two choices. You can either start asserting yourself against your parents, or you can stop talking to them altogether. (Well, there is a third choice, you can do nothing, and do what they want.)

In my case, I had trouble with my father, and I did not talk to him for four years. (When we finally got back together after four years, things went a lot better.)

Which do you think is the best choice for you?
 
Working....I take it you are in your twenties? When I was younger this would definitely be reversed, Catholic parents up in arms about him marrying you....and in some families it still is.

You are in an extremely common dilemna...here in the states we now have a President of mixed parentage, mixed by race and religion....this is actually incredibly telling as to how far we've come...as in his day it was always said the offspring would not be accepted by either side....yet now, fifty years later he has been accepted by all sides to the point of being President.

Time to sit and discuss it all clearly with your parents...it is a shame they are trying to coerce control of your life through threats of taking theirs.....could that possibly be a bramin response to anything??
 
You must decide. You should keep in mind that your family is your karmic family, a test (in a way). You must chose your own path - stay or leave....obey or rebel...nobody can tell you this...my teacher told us to follow our bliss, and follow our heart...

You are born into a family, a culture, a cast as your incarnation dictated, what you do with that is entirely up to you!
 
There is no need for distress. Remember priorities...

1) Love and compassion for all beings is the foundation.

2) 'All beings' includes love for yourself, no more, no less.

3) Yet, you can only control *your* choices. You cannot control the choices of others.

4) Therefore, you have a special responsibility to see that you live appropriately according to Nature. This includes being true to yourself, and not making yourself a sacrifice or a slave to others (nor a master).

5) Follow your bliss - this is your inherent right as a human being. Live as you must live.

6) In the process, others may say this or that, criticize you, try to make you feel guilty, try to control you. There is no need to respond to this with hysterics or distress. Simply keep your course as an adult woman making her own decision.

7) How others respond to this is not in your control. They must choose to either accept your autonomous decisions as a free and equal being, or not. If they do not, or they do something radical - this is their choice, under their control, and entirely on them.

8) Be compassionate and loving to them, and all beings, at all times. Do not yell, insult, rebel, etc. Simply tell them maturely that this is your decision, and you hope they will learn to accept it because you love them, but that it is not open for debate. It is not your job to "please everyone", nor is it in your power. Sometimes being compassionate does not mean giving all beings everything their unwise attached natures crave without limit. Parents understand this regarding children. Sometimes adults can behave like children too, but this gains them no more right to their wish fulfillment than a child.


That is how *I* would handle it - take that for what you like. I wish you all the best and happiness :)
 
It's troubling to see everyone blaming everyone else for your actions, and then threatening to blame you for their threat of suicide. Is that sort of thing typical for your family? :confused:
 
I'm strongly bound to the will of my parents, too. I agree with the others, but you should make sure this man is worth it. Is he a man or a child? Make sure he's going to have your back no matter what, that he can support you, or at least that you can support yourself. Above all, if he is childish then listen to your parents; because you will be throwing yourself upon his mercy. If he has compassion and is respectful of his own parents, then that is a good sign that he won't backstab you. If he is disrespectful of his own parents and others, then you will grieve yourself in addition to your parents. Obviously your parents are panicking, so just make sure that the panick is groundless. If this man is really awesome you will have a hard time finding an equal, but if he is immature then you should not feel too badly about breaking up -- assuming you have no kids with him.
 
Hermes said:
You are born into a family, a culture, a cast as your incarnation dictated, what you do with that is entirely up to you!
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I would add to this that your family and personal Karma will also include the country in which you now live and have allegience to.

Those from one culture who move to the home of another culture, modify their Karma accordingly. If your family has moved from India to England, for instance, then you all take on a wedge of the Karma of the country in which you now live. This has been demonstrated time and time again by history.

Obviously, you also modify the Karma of the country you have moved to, it's a two-way thing.

I have lived in a mixed marriage for many years. However in this marriage, the second for both of us, there are no children, which makes things easier.

Marriage is not only about the first love: it is a legal contract with all that that implies. It is about whether you can agree on how children will be brought up, where you will live, what is expected by each from the other and their families. Both of you will, need to be flexible, and to compromise. Both of you will lose friends and relatives, and perhaps gain some, too.

Why get married at all, if the fact of the marriage itself is such a burden to you?
 
I would add to this that your family and personal Karma will also include the country in which you now live and have allegience to.

Those from one culture who move to the home of another culture, modify their Karma accordingly. If your family has moved from India to England, for instance, then you all take on a wedge of the Karma of the country in which you now live. This has been demonstrated time and time again by history.

Obviously, you also modify the Karma of the country you have moved to, it's a two-way thing.
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I found this very interesting! There are a lot of people from India in my professional life, and I've been very curious about this -- how they perceive me for example. Many (not all) retain a cast concept as implemented in India, so it makes me wonder if they would assign a cast to me as well as to themselves. I wonder if it will affect my employment etc in the future?
 
Dream said:
I wonder if it will affect my employment etc in the future?
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Your wondering and everything else else will affect your future, of course!- the seeds of the future are sown in the present moment.

On a more observational level, I have noticed in the UK that the large immigrant communities, particularly those with large extended families, do seem to have a history of keeping the employment within their own community where possible. I find it easy to understand why, at a personality level, this choice is made: it is a question of trust and loyalty.

As to the question of conscious or unconscious caste assignment, I have no idea. Perhaps someone will enlighten us.
 
Dream said:
Many (not all) retain a cast concept as implemented in India, so it makes me wonder if they would assign a cast to me as well as to themselves.
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First thing, the spelling is caste. Once a woman marries a person of another religion, she are a member of his family. If they have castes, the woman will belong to that caste. Christians, muslims, buddhists, all have castes in India.
 
crazylostandugly: "I know i'm doing something wrong..." Really? What? No one in this life chooses where love comes from. This sounds absolutely Shakespearian; Romeo and Juliet. The truth is, your mother and father are living out part of their Karma through you!
If they are truly Brahmin they would realize that they cannot escape their 'destiny'. If they do not live it out here they will have to do so later, and it may be much more painful for them. You, on the other hand, are being used by the hand of the Almighty and you must also fulfill your task. Who knows what treasure you may receive for answering your calling in this matter of love? My wife and I are Christian and both our families protested our union. Her's came to love us both, mine did not! So be it! You are the one who has to choose your own path and it does not mean giving up your instinctive love for your religious beliefs. G-d encompasses all things, That One knew our every path even before they came into existence. Stay well and be safe.
 
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