Having been unfortunate enough to have a Pentecostal church (Elim) upbringing where heaven and hell were described very graphically indeed, it put me off the whole idea of an afterlife as neither scenario filled me with any delight, certainly not heaven!
From your consistent negavity, it appears to be deeper than that ...
I'm curious as to the reason it still persists decades later ...
It seens as you've led a very nice life if this is the only issue you have ...
To be so fortunate!