Hi folks. I am facing an religious/ethical quandry, and I am looking for others who have experiences to share that may prove useful. It's a bit of a tricky situation so let me explain.
I was raised Jew-ish. American Reform, barely observant household growing up. Had a Bar Mitzvah and then skedaddled from the synagogue as quickly as I could and never looked back. In all honestly I never believed in God, and have long since stopped going through the scarce few motions I still kept (eg, Yom Kippur fast). At this point I am somewhat uncomfortable around religious ceremonies of any kind, and participating in them makes me even more uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable even calling myself Jewish (I go back and forth depending on the context), and am not willing to say prayers that I do not believe to a sky gremlin I don't believe in. I'm at the point where I had long ago decided that I wouldn't circumcise my children, even though it's common even in secular American culture, because I saw it as genital mutilation.
I have been alternately friends and friends-with-extras with a woman for over 9 years now. She was raised Modern Orthodox Judaism. Because of the religious disconnect we've never figured we would ever make a good couple, but we're incredibly compatible in a great many other ways (including some that are really hard to find, as we both have some fringe interests). We have both tried to find other people to date, but finding anyone to our liking has been a challenge, despite both of us actively trying to encourage and support the other in doing so. In the past year or so she's had a crisis of faith, or rather of observance, and has (on her own, not because of me) essentially downgraded herself to what I would describe as Reform-with-extras. (Kosher, Shabbis, Yom Kippur, etc. but the Torah versions of those without the add-ons from the Talmud.)
She has recently asked/suggested that we should get together as a couple for real, since, well, after 9 years we're halfway there already and with her substantially lower level of religiousness we might be able to meet in the middle. Were it just her and I it would be able to handle only cooking with kosher meat and scrubbing the house for Passover and otherwise just rolling with it, but of course the bigger question is kids, which we both want. She feels strongly about raising them Jewish, speaking Hebrew at home so they're bilingual, at least them keeping Shabbis even if I mostly don't, them eating kosher even if I don't, etc.
I am... torn. On the one hand, what she describes is about the most agnostic one can get and still be Jewish. And while we're not a perfect match we are close enough that, were it not for the religion factor, we would probably have started dating for reals a long time ago. On the other, I am frankly terrified of setting myself up to be a constant outsider in my own home (eg, the only one not singing songs or praying on Shabbis), or else pressured (not overtly by her, but by the need to present a consistent environment for the kids) to go through motions and say/do things I don't believe in and never will, or having a first son and not being able to bring myself to have him circumcised and causing all sorts of major fallout at exactly the wrong time.
I know intermarriage is steeply on the rise, especially among Jews, and they somehow make it work. But I also have read ample examples of people describing the ways in which it didn't work. I also know that there's 1001 things that could make us not work as an actual couple long before kids enter the picture. In the month or so that we've been talking about it, I've mentally gone back and forth between "she's a good person and what you're looking for and it's not going to be an issue, you're just being overly picky" and "you'd be settling for a Tevye marriage and giving in on core beliefs and will spend the next 30 years stressed and unhappy in your own home" at least 20 times, sometimes multiple times in one day. And... I really don't know what to do with that.
We've discussed me doing essentially "Jewish exposure therapy" to see if my discomfort goes down while we date (start keeping kosher now, mezusah's on my house, etc., my idea, not hers), but that's of course a far cry from trying to raise kids that way. I am really not sure what to do with this situation.
My dad (when I talked to him about it) joked that it would be an interfaith marriage between two Jews, which is somehow a very Jewish thing to do. Which is pretty accurate.
Has anyone else had a simliar-ish situation, or know people in one? How did it work out? Any other experience/knowledge/wisdom/thoughts to share that may be useful/helpful/insightful/something? I'm open to whatever at this point, because I just don't know what the right thing to do is.
I was raised Jew-ish. American Reform, barely observant household growing up. Had a Bar Mitzvah and then skedaddled from the synagogue as quickly as I could and never looked back. In all honestly I never believed in God, and have long since stopped going through the scarce few motions I still kept (eg, Yom Kippur fast). At this point I am somewhat uncomfortable around religious ceremonies of any kind, and participating in them makes me even more uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable even calling myself Jewish (I go back and forth depending on the context), and am not willing to say prayers that I do not believe to a sky gremlin I don't believe in. I'm at the point where I had long ago decided that I wouldn't circumcise my children, even though it's common even in secular American culture, because I saw it as genital mutilation.
I have been alternately friends and friends-with-extras with a woman for over 9 years now. She was raised Modern Orthodox Judaism. Because of the religious disconnect we've never figured we would ever make a good couple, but we're incredibly compatible in a great many other ways (including some that are really hard to find, as we both have some fringe interests). We have both tried to find other people to date, but finding anyone to our liking has been a challenge, despite both of us actively trying to encourage and support the other in doing so. In the past year or so she's had a crisis of faith, or rather of observance, and has (on her own, not because of me) essentially downgraded herself to what I would describe as Reform-with-extras. (Kosher, Shabbis, Yom Kippur, etc. but the Torah versions of those without the add-ons from the Talmud.)
She has recently asked/suggested that we should get together as a couple for real, since, well, after 9 years we're halfway there already and with her substantially lower level of religiousness we might be able to meet in the middle. Were it just her and I it would be able to handle only cooking with kosher meat and scrubbing the house for Passover and otherwise just rolling with it, but of course the bigger question is kids, which we both want. She feels strongly about raising them Jewish, speaking Hebrew at home so they're bilingual, at least them keeping Shabbis even if I mostly don't, them eating kosher even if I don't, etc.
I am... torn. On the one hand, what she describes is about the most agnostic one can get and still be Jewish. And while we're not a perfect match we are close enough that, were it not for the religion factor, we would probably have started dating for reals a long time ago. On the other, I am frankly terrified of setting myself up to be a constant outsider in my own home (eg, the only one not singing songs or praying on Shabbis), or else pressured (not overtly by her, but by the need to present a consistent environment for the kids) to go through motions and say/do things I don't believe in and never will, or having a first son and not being able to bring myself to have him circumcised and causing all sorts of major fallout at exactly the wrong time.
I know intermarriage is steeply on the rise, especially among Jews, and they somehow make it work. But I also have read ample examples of people describing the ways in which it didn't work. I also know that there's 1001 things that could make us not work as an actual couple long before kids enter the picture. In the month or so that we've been talking about it, I've mentally gone back and forth between "she's a good person and what you're looking for and it's not going to be an issue, you're just being overly picky" and "you'd be settling for a Tevye marriage and giving in on core beliefs and will spend the next 30 years stressed and unhappy in your own home" at least 20 times, sometimes multiple times in one day. And... I really don't know what to do with that.
We've discussed me doing essentially "Jewish exposure therapy" to see if my discomfort goes down while we date (start keeping kosher now, mezusah's on my house, etc., my idea, not hers), but that's of course a far cry from trying to raise kids that way. I am really not sure what to do with this situation.
My dad (when I talked to him about it) joked that it would be an interfaith marriage between two Jews, which is somehow a very Jewish thing to do. Which is pretty accurate.
Has anyone else had a simliar-ish situation, or know people in one? How did it work out? Any other experience/knowledge/wisdom/thoughts to share that may be useful/helpful/insightful/something? I'm open to whatever at this point, because I just don't know what the right thing to do is.
Currently I have zero involvement in the Jewish community locally and would be perfectly happy to stay that way, so anything we do there would be instigated by her. (That said, I'm sure there's very nice Jews in the area we could be friends with without causing too much trouble.)