I’m lost, and I don’t know where to turn.

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JTParamedic

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I’m questioning my sanity, because I’m questioning what I’ve always held to be empirically true. Weird loop of logic right? How can I be mad at myself for having doubts? I guess that’s how I taught myself to think.

I’ve been an atheist for almost ten years, with the exception of a moment of me “finding God” in the tenth grade after a brutal end of a relationship with someone whom I loved beyond belief. That faded after awhile and my atheism came back in full force in college when I started to find myself again. I was the stereotypical angry atheist (without the fedora) and I would welcome the challenge from anyone who had a different opinion than me. To be honest, I was kind of a dick! My goal was to prove everyone else’s “non-scientific” theories about the world wrong. I was good too. I knew my arguments, and I knew most of the opposing side’s as well. Some people accepted me, but most didn’t even try to argue or debate; because I guess I wasn’t worth the breath!

I’m 24 now, and I’m an adult with a more refined outlook on life. I became a little more agnostic and a lot more chill about the people around me being religious. My problem is that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become horrified of the idea of my own mortality. I’ve always been scared of dying, same as everyone I suppose.. but this is different. I see death everywhere I look. I see my dog who just turned four, and all I can think about is how he may die soon and how much it’s going to hurt me. I hug my dad five times a day, because I know that one day I’m going to look back and wish I could get just one more hug from him. Everyone is just a ticking timebomb waiting to explode. They think my job has made me paranoid, which could be true;
I’ve been especially paranoid around kids every since I saw the death of a two year old boy last summer. I’ve never had a death effect me like him, I remember everything about it vividly... His hair color, his eyes glazed over, his distended belly, his little Cookie Monster diaper that was full.. the coolness of his skin and the feeling of his ribs giving way as I pushed my weight into him. His mommy watched as I did CPR on him; her screams played in the background like an orchestra playing for a movie.. it was surreal. When it was over, I went into the bathroom in the ER and cried like a baby. I’d never done that before, and this was probably the seventh death I’d seen.

I want to believe there’s a God, and I want to believe there’s a place where that little boy is able to live happy up there. I want to know when my doggy dies that he won’t just be something to rot in the ground, but he will get to be happy somewhere else. I don’t want to lose my mom and dad. I’m scared and I don’t know what to believe anymore.

My old self tells me I’m a weak idiot for trying to believe something that I’m too smart to accept as a fact. I can’t just believe something because I want it to be true. That’s not reality, but reality is driving me insane. The only comfort I have is the deep feeling of connection to the earth. I feel more than just a piece of flesh and bone. My old self would tell me that’s just my irrational human brain trying to make sense of something it can’t handle. I can’t deny that as being false, or true. I just want someone who understands this stuff to tell me something to give me hope. Maybe it’s not the right thing to ask, but I’m not ready to give up on being happy.

sorry about rambling. I was pretty upset while writing this.
thanks
 
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We have free will which means perhaps angels are not allowed to interfere with us unless we ask. There is a difference between weakness and humility. Perhaps your tenth grade experience was a window for you to remember in later life.

I am sure that if you ask God's angels to help you, they will do so. You will be guided.

The work you do is wonderful and you write very well too. Welcome to the forums.
 
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Yes .. being exposed to life & death as you are, is not easy .. but it can elevate you spiritually.
..better to think about these things now, as you have your life in front of you .. you are fortunate.

Welcome :)
 
JTParamedic said:
I’m questioning my sanity, because I’m questioning what I’ve always held to be empirically true. Weird loop of logic right? How can I be mad at myself for having doubts? I guess that’s how I taught myself to think.....

sorry about rambling. I was pretty upset while writing this.
thanks
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I'm the last person in the world to tell you not to seek the divine, but at the moment the most critical thing is for you to get counseling.... and to get it now.

You are in a worthy, but high stress, occupation. You have apparently not yet developed the professional detachment that is necessary if you are to continue as a paramedic. You are in a profession that will constantly put you in crisis situations and you are going to stare at death many, many times. I suspect, as well, that you have other unresolved issues that you need to address that are adding to your difficulties. If you do not, not only will you put yourself at risk, but there is the real possibility that you will put at risk the people you are trying to serve.

People want to be of help, but truth be told, counseling by forum is an impossibility and, in any event, the issues you are facing quite possibly are beyond the competency of anyone here.

I wish you well.
 
JTParamedic said:
I’m questioning my sanity, because I’m questioning what I’ve always held to be empirically true. Weird loop of logic right? How can I be mad at myself for having doubts? I guess that’s how I taught myself to think.

I’ve been an atheist for almost ten years, with the exception of a moment of me “finding God” in the tenth grade after a brutal end of a relationship with someone whom I loved beyond belief. That faded after awhile and my atheism came back in full force in college when I started to find myself again. I was the stereotypical angry atheist (without the fedora) and I would welcome the challenge from anyone who had a different opinion than me. To be honest, I was kind of a dick! My goal was to prove everyone else’s “non-scientific” theories about the world wrong. I was good too. I knew my arguments, and I knew most of the opposing side’s as well. Some people accepted me, but most didn’t even try to argue or debate; because I guess I wasn’t worth the breath!

I’m 24 now, and I’m an adult with a more refined outlook on life. I became a little more agnostic and a lot more chill about the people around me being religious. My problem is that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become horrified of the idea of my own mortality. I’ve always been scared of dying, same as everyone I suppose.. but this is different. I see death everywhere I look. I see my dog who just turned four, and all I can think about is how he may die soon and how much it’s going to hurt me. I hug my dad five times a day, because I know that one day I’m going to look back and wish I could get just one more hug from him. Everyone is just a ticking timebomb waiting to explode. They think my job has made me paranoid, which could be true;
I’ve been especially paranoid around kids every since I saw the death of a two year old boy last summer. I’ve never had a death effect me like him, I remember everything about it vividly... His hair color, his eyes glazed over, his distended belly, his little Cookie Monster diaper that was full.. the coolness of his skin and the feeling of his ribs giving way as I pushed my weight into him. His mommy watched as I did CPR on him; her screams played in the background like an orchestra playing for a movie.. it was surreal. When it was over, I went into the bathroom in the ER and cried like a baby. I’d never done that before, and this was probably the seventh death I’d seen.

I want to believe there’s a God, and I want to believe there’s a place where that little boy is able to live happy up there. I want to know when my doggy dies that he won’t just be something to rot in the ground, but he will get to be happy somewhere else. I don’t want to lose my mom and dad. I’m scared and I don’t know what to believe anymore.

My old self tells me I’m a weak idiot for trying to believe something that I’m too smart to accept as a fact. I can’t just believe something because I want it to be true. That’s not reality, but reality is driving me insane. The only comfort I have is the deep feeling of connection to the earth. I feel more than just a piece of flesh and bone. My old self would tell me that’s just my irrational human brain trying to make sense of something it can’t handle. I can’t deny that as being false, or true. I just want someone who understands this stuff to tell me something to give me hope. Maybe it’s not the right thing to ask, but I’m not ready to give up on being happy.

sorry about rambling. I was pretty upset while writing this.
thanks
Click to expand...

Welcome, JJParamedic. Rabbio is correct in my opinion in that what you are struggling with is beyond our competency; nevertheless we offer what we can. Counseling might help or it might not, but it could be a good place to start. Just talking it out in a secure environment with a professional might help. It would be up to you whether or not you pursue that course. You might have already done so, I don't know.

I was once affected by the passing of someone in a similar way that you reacted to the boy. I was left with terrible longings and reduced to walking around in circles in the outdoors to try to reduce the pain. I also walked at night. I missed a week of work, but when I came back to work I found that it was too early and I ended up missing another week. I prayed with strong desire, needing the impossible, to bridge the gap between the living and the dead. I wanted to be with that person again. In the end I was given an assurance of sorts that helped me cope. Everyone is different, what happened in my case might not happen in another, but I ended up getting what I needed in order for me to carry on with life.

If I could only offer one bit of advice, I would say follow the love. The love will not lead you wrong. Reason might fight you tooth and nail, but love sometimes leads contrary to reason. In your experience with the boy, you obviously loved him in his most vulnerable moment. Can you not also be loved like that in the vulnerability that you find yourself in now? I would say yes. Not only that, but I believe it to be so. How it comes to you will be your experience alone, for no one else but you. So I say again, follow the love.

I'm sorry if this does not relate to your experience at all, but I had to try.
 
Thanks to all who replied. I will consider counseling; it’s probably a good idea given what I do.

In terms of my detachment to people in my job; I’ve seen other horrible things in my very short time in my field. I typically feel nothing, as bad as that sounds. This one event is the only thing that has bothered me. Most people don’t see those things as early as I did in my career. Dead kids are actually rare, outside of an inner city environment. I’ve talked to other, more experienced medics about it.. and they say that what I felt was completely normal.

I definitely had a mini breakdown when I wrote this last night; but the question still stands: Am I a fool for believing in something just because I want to? I want to believe..
 
JTParamedic said:
Am I a fool for believing in something just because I want to? I want to believe..
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It doesn't matter. What matters is whether or not God responds. Only you will know. But you will know, imo.
 
JTParamedic said:
Am I a fool for believing in something just because I want to? I want to believe..
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No, you're not a fool. You are in pain.

When you help someone who is in terrible pain, do you do everything to get them the care they need, right? Can you muster that attitude to get that pain in yourself adequate, appropriate care by a qualified professional?

Don't use God to self-medicate, to numb the pain. Numbing is a kind of (emotional) death. I'm pretty sure that seeking God does not mean seeking death do you, rather, the opposite, right? So anything that is numbing, killing off something tender in you, can't be God.

I wish you to be well.

Oh, and welcome to the forum!

Edited: your previous post crossed this one.
 
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Cino said:
Numbing is a kind of (emotional) death.
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I'm pretty sure when my bones were broken in a motorcycle accident that I appreciated the morphine, my friend. God works in many more ways than silly professional atheists. Outta here ...
 
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RJM Corbet said:
I'm pretty sure when my bones were broken in a motorcycle accident that I appreciated the morphine, my friend. God works in many more ways than you silly atheists. Outta here ...
Click to expand...

You probably did not procure and administer the morphine yourself, which is the only point I wanted to make.

The temptation to self-medicate does not come from God. That's something atheists and believers alike can agree on, I think.
 
RJM Corbet said:
..God works in many more ways than you silly professional atheists. Outta here ...
Click to expand...

:) all-barrels firing .. wow

In the Qur'an, Almighty God has many names .. including:-

The Beneficient, The Merciful .. The Sovereign .. The One . The Holy .. The Source of Peace
The Mighty .. The Wise .. The All-Knowing

The emotions @paramedic is experiencing has positive sides as well as negative.
Grief in this life can be very painful anguish .. G-d only wishes good for us.
Remember the "Prodigal Son" ?
 
RJM Corbet said:
I'm pretty sure when my bones were broken in a motorcycle accident that I appreciated the morphine, my friend. God works in many more ways than you silly professional atheists. Outta here ...
Click to expand...
I probably would have given you Ketamine opposed to morphine if you had broken bones, because of the possibility of hemodynamic compromise associated with trauma and possible blood loss.. But I’m just being a nerd :)
I really love my job. It brings out the best in me, even in the worst of times. My instructor was the first person to tell me to seek counseling, because he himself sees someone every week. I really want to, actually.

I don’t have any idea if a God could exist or not, but I find the idea of blaming God to be illogical; Unless you believe we have no free will. I’m agnostic at this point, but I’m becoming more hopeful.. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to follow a single book for its ideology, because I don’t believe one book can be the answer to everything. Though, I can try and keep an open mind about things.

thanks for listening everyone. I honestly feel better already
 
JTParamedic said:
Thanks to all who replied. I will consider counseling; it’s probably a good idea given what I do.

In terms of my detachment to people in my job; I’ve seen other horrible things in my very short time in my field. I typically feel nothing, as bad as that sounds. This one event is the only thing that has bothered me. Most people don’t see those things as early as I did in my career. Dead kids are actually rare, outside of an inner city environment. I’ve talked to other, more experienced medics about it.. and they say that what I felt was completely normal.

I definitely had a mini breakdown when I wrote this last night; but the question still stands: Am I a fool for believing in something just because I want to? I want to believe..
Click to expand...
You’re changing don’t worry it’s natural. Speak to a professional counselor and be open to possibilities.
 
Cino said:
You probably did not procure and administer the morphine yourself, which is the only point I wanted to make.

The temptation to self-medicate does not come from God. That's something atheists and believers alike can agree on, I think.
Click to expand...
I apologise Cino. Sorry
 
My friend, I know everything that you have to hear, but I wouldnt dare say it. So what can one say? It is only by oneself that evil is done; by oneself is one defiled. By oneself is evil left undone; by oneself is one made pure. Purity and impurity depend on oneself. No one can purify another.

The truth is one, there is no second about which a person who knows it would argue with one who knows. Contemplatives promote their various personal truths, that's why they don't say one thing and the same.

Deep is this phenomenon, hard to see, hard to realize, tranquil, refined, beyond the scope of conjecture, subtle, to-be-experienced by the wise. For those with other views, other practices, other satisfactions, other aims, other teachers, it is difficult to know.
 
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