C
Christopher
Guest
Hello, all.
This is my first post and I would like to introduce myself. I have read these boards often and have much respect for many of you. My spiritual journey has encountered a bleak shroud of dispair and I request insights. First a little background.
I am not of any religion. I discovered my spirit only recently and through drumming. For a year, many personal insights came to me. I experienced vitalism for the first time in my life. I became mindful, focused and in harmony. I started a consistent and successful breathing and meditation routine. I developed a new sense for sublte beauty and I could conect with others in a loving way.
Eventually, pride overtook me. Accustomed to having a strong spirit-body connection, I ignored my sense of caution and did some wreckless things. The turning point occured during my college exams. One night I stayed up and gorged to the extreme on nicotine and coffee. My car broke down and I was stranded far from home in a nerve-butchered and sleep-deprived state.
As is natural, my body and mind were devistated by this event. I lost all coordination I'd been used to and my mind was fried. But what's worse than this event is how I responded. I'd been accustomed to my envigorating routine of breathing/stretching/drumming. The comedown from this event took away all the skill I had. Instead of being patient, I craved. I craved the rush I got from drumming. I craved the release I got from stretching. I craved the affection I once had from my peers as a joyful person. I didn't want to accept that I would have to "re-build" in a sense and so I tried to continue my life as though nothing had happened. I found myself forcing stretches, forcing to meditate and so forth. This obviously had an adverse effect, but I persisted in brutally forcing myself nevertheless. With a chip on my shoulder I fell further, turining myself lazy, bitter and self-indulgent. I would make half-hearted attempts to adopt more discipline, but would hide in a cave everytime I was unsucessful. Courage and will-power were traits I never had. I chose not to seek them during this time.
Now I find my self in a bleak state. My body aches when I am not sitting. My mind is frazzled in a tornado of chaos. I cannot function! I've finally accepted that I will indeed have to start over, but there is no longer the inner guidance.
This is my first post and I would like to introduce myself. I have read these boards often and have much respect for many of you. My spiritual journey has encountered a bleak shroud of dispair and I request insights. First a little background.
I am not of any religion. I discovered my spirit only recently and through drumming. For a year, many personal insights came to me. I experienced vitalism for the first time in my life. I became mindful, focused and in harmony. I started a consistent and successful breathing and meditation routine. I developed a new sense for sublte beauty and I could conect with others in a loving way.
Eventually, pride overtook me. Accustomed to having a strong spirit-body connection, I ignored my sense of caution and did some wreckless things. The turning point occured during my college exams. One night I stayed up and gorged to the extreme on nicotine and coffee. My car broke down and I was stranded far from home in a nerve-butchered and sleep-deprived state.
As is natural, my body and mind were devistated by this event. I lost all coordination I'd been used to and my mind was fried. But what's worse than this event is how I responded. I'd been accustomed to my envigorating routine of breathing/stretching/drumming. The comedown from this event took away all the skill I had. Instead of being patient, I craved. I craved the rush I got from drumming. I craved the release I got from stretching. I craved the affection I once had from my peers as a joyful person. I didn't want to accept that I would have to "re-build" in a sense and so I tried to continue my life as though nothing had happened. I found myself forcing stretches, forcing to meditate and so forth. This obviously had an adverse effect, but I persisted in brutally forcing myself nevertheless. With a chip on my shoulder I fell further, turining myself lazy, bitter and self-indulgent. I would make half-hearted attempts to adopt more discipline, but would hide in a cave everytime I was unsucessful. Courage and will-power were traits I never had. I chose not to seek them during this time.
Now I find my self in a bleak state. My body aches when I am not sitting. My mind is frazzled in a tornado of chaos. I cannot function! I've finally accepted that I will indeed have to start over, but there is no longer the inner guidance.
