For myself it was 1995. Really, I'd been going downhill for a couple of years, but everything that was still unbroken was broken that year. I finally failed at everything in every way. I spent the summer staring at walls, sometimes crying for no reason. I stole food off friends because I was that broke, and spent most nights drunk.
Pitiful, huh?
As the last couple of ties that kept me to the world were broken I finally realised I had no reason for living, and no justification to remain alive. I gave myself a week to prepare for my own death - just to prove that it was not a spurious decision. (My chosen method was to lie in a warm bath and open a vein as painlessly as possible (how Roman! And long before my active interest in Rome, btw )).
Anyway, I'm alive because halfway through the week I decided to share my decision with someone - someone who I knew wouldn't tell me to live for other people. She said not to do it - and suddenly the decision literally lifted from me.
That, I guess, was the moment of spiritual rebirth.
What that means in this instance, is that you face life fresh, with all prior assumptions destroyed. You learn life anew - not so much as in you forgot anyone's name - as much as you suddenly have no real inkling on the meaning of anything. Preconceived notions of what meaning anything once had was gone.
This is a fundamental point. I grew up as a child feeling that something was there - sometimes feeling I could communicate with it, and on rare occasions even prayed to something. Teenage years saw me bite a hard Atheism.
Christianity was the only spiritual route I really knew anything of, then, and as I enthralled myself with reductionism I saw the evil of the world and actions of the Christian god. If "God" was real then "God" was Christian, and the Christian "God" was evil.
All that was gone. I didn't know if anything was there anymore. I had to answer the basic questions all over again. In a funny way, it was like exploring the world like a child again.
It all happened slowly, at first - but for 1997 I went into a strict ascetism and found myself going through wave after wave of intense spiritual experiences. Finally, I used the word "God" again.
Point being to this self-indulgent waffle - is a couple of questions:
1. Is this really the "Born Again" experience that the Christian religion mentions as desirable in its followers?
2. Is the destruction of any sense of self really necessary for a true feeling of Divinity?
Pitiful, huh?
As the last couple of ties that kept me to the world were broken I finally realised I had no reason for living, and no justification to remain alive. I gave myself a week to prepare for my own death - just to prove that it was not a spurious decision. (My chosen method was to lie in a warm bath and open a vein as painlessly as possible (how Roman! And long before my active interest in Rome, btw )).
Anyway, I'm alive because halfway through the week I decided to share my decision with someone - someone who I knew wouldn't tell me to live for other people. She said not to do it - and suddenly the decision literally lifted from me.
That, I guess, was the moment of spiritual rebirth.
What that means in this instance, is that you face life fresh, with all prior assumptions destroyed. You learn life anew - not so much as in you forgot anyone's name - as much as you suddenly have no real inkling on the meaning of anything. Preconceived notions of what meaning anything once had was gone.
This is a fundamental point. I grew up as a child feeling that something was there - sometimes feeling I could communicate with it, and on rare occasions even prayed to something. Teenage years saw me bite a hard Atheism.
Christianity was the only spiritual route I really knew anything of, then, and as I enthralled myself with reductionism I saw the evil of the world and actions of the Christian god. If "God" was real then "God" was Christian, and the Christian "God" was evil.
All that was gone. I didn't know if anything was there anymore. I had to answer the basic questions all over again. In a funny way, it was like exploring the world like a child again.
It all happened slowly, at first - but for 1997 I went into a strict ascetism and found myself going through wave after wave of intense spiritual experiences. Finally, I used the word "God" again.
Point being to this self-indulgent waffle - is a couple of questions:
1. Is this really the "Born Again" experience that the Christian religion mentions as desirable in its followers?
2. Is the destruction of any sense of self really necessary for a true feeling of Divinity?