Sayhellototheangels
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Faith. For me it's a strange thing. In this materialistic world we occupy, we crave things - latest fashions, cars, houses, money etc. For me the thing I crave most of all is faith. It's something I've never really had.
I was raised Catholic. I undertook all my sacraments and was brought up with a set of morals defined by the wider Christian/abrahamic religions. Christianity wasn't something I chose, it ultimately, was merely something that happened to me.
The strange thing is, I have this strong religious background but I lack faith. It's something I wish I had - an almost comfort blanket for the things I think and feel inside about the wider world and this amazing universe we find ourselves in. I feel like I've missed out, but there are just some things that I cannot let myself follow.
By in large I am not a bad person. I live a life based on rights and wrongs and happily treat people well, with no expectation of reward. I am not perfect, I make many mistakes, I do hurt people from time to time, but I am quick to learn and apologise. To Er is human and all that.
The biggest issue I have is with the bible. Itself is a contradiction - not for contradictory content (of which there is some) but the fact that it's written by man. Let me explain. God, no matter what faith you are, is perfect. No one else is perfect, no one is even close to it. Infact God is so perfect we can't even comprehend how perfect God is. Man is flawed. There's so much flaw in man it's borderline ridiculous. This is where my issue comes into play. The Nobel is made up of different books, gospels etc we are taught it is the word of God but it's been written by imperfect man, once more translated by more imperfect men, and further edited imperfect men! So my issue is that there are all these imperfections trying to piece together a picture of something perfect. It's like a thousand piece jigsaw with 200 pieces missing - you get the jist of what's there, but ultimately the complete picture could have a detail we've missed! It's just not something that I can openly accept. And it makes me sad that I can not.
Every so often I imagine myself coming face to face with God - at the pearly gates, in my living room, during the rapture - whatever it may be. I must stress that during these imaginative meetings I am by no means comparing myself or deeming myself worthy of an audience with God, but as a tool for me to work out my faith or there lack of. Anyway in these meetings with God I try to imagine the conversation, how it develops, things that could be said, how I'd defend or explain my lack of faith, how could God respond etc.
The most common imaginative meeting I have with God is one where I am across from him/her. Nothing more than a distorted image. God doesn't say anything, just looks toward me (How can a feeble minded man of flesh imagine how God looks or sounds or could respond). The best way I can describe it is like a really important and intimidating job interview, where your new boss says nothing, but an overwhelming silence and crushing awkwardness pushes you to blabber on. Anyway in these conversations I explain myself. I explain that while I don't have faith in the traditional sense, I have it in a way that still celebrates everything that God is supposed to have created. I find the earth mind blowing beautiful - I respect it. I'm overwhelmed by the whole mystery of space and time, constantly wonder about what's up there and what's making it all work. I love the people close to me. The ability to feel and celebrate that is awesome. I'm grateful for being able to feel and experience all of these incredible things - but I ultimately have issue with how to celebrate it. If God is all his/her infinite wisdom (and we can't even comprehend infinity!) did all of this stuff for us, then why do we need to prepare ourselves for a life beyond this realm. Surely what we have here, the things we are allowed to feel and do, are a reward in itself!?
It's like an artist hanging the most incredible painting ever created in a gallery, but telling you 'nah don't look at that, wait till you see what I've got next - but you need to queue up first and not act like a total muppet before you can see it'. Where's the sense in it!? It makes no sense. Is there a sin in enjoying what opportunity was put before us? Or have we to follow the carrot on the stick, making sure we behave or risk being beaten by the stick? Nothing about it seems fair or makes any sense which is where my lack of religious devotion comes back. Rules.
Rules, written by man for us to blindly follow under the thinly veiled guise of faith. Particularly now, I struggle to accept the pure and good intentions of mankind. Everything has an agenda. We are ultimately horrible to each other (on a wide scale) are these the rules I want to follow? This has been the case all through history. So why would I opt to follow the rules of a very imperfect mankind?
Going back to my imaginary conversation I explain all of this. I explain that I, frankly, think it's bullshit and if God wants to punish me for loving outside of wedlock, for enjoying this incredible planet, supporting same sex relationships then go ahead and punish me. Hypocrisy being, in my eyes, the greatest sin of all and one we are all guilty of! I don't imagine any further of the conversation with God. How could I?
Faith at this point for me becomes a hypocrisy. I'm a hypocrite for wanting it, and I'm a hypocrite if I suddenly decide I have it. It makes no sense and I am confused by it all. No more than ever have I ever wanted a bit of faith - there's so much going on in the world, and I really believe we're headed into a point of no return. If not by global war, than definitely by climate change.
Then again maybe faith is the reason we're in this mess to begin with....
So the question is, what do I do?
I was raised Catholic. I undertook all my sacraments and was brought up with a set of morals defined by the wider Christian/abrahamic religions. Christianity wasn't something I chose, it ultimately, was merely something that happened to me.
The strange thing is, I have this strong religious background but I lack faith. It's something I wish I had - an almost comfort blanket for the things I think and feel inside about the wider world and this amazing universe we find ourselves in. I feel like I've missed out, but there are just some things that I cannot let myself follow.
By in large I am not a bad person. I live a life based on rights and wrongs and happily treat people well, with no expectation of reward. I am not perfect, I make many mistakes, I do hurt people from time to time, but I am quick to learn and apologise. To Er is human and all that.
The biggest issue I have is with the bible. Itself is a contradiction - not for contradictory content (of which there is some) but the fact that it's written by man. Let me explain. God, no matter what faith you are, is perfect. No one else is perfect, no one is even close to it. Infact God is so perfect we can't even comprehend how perfect God is. Man is flawed. There's so much flaw in man it's borderline ridiculous. This is where my issue comes into play. The Nobel is made up of different books, gospels etc we are taught it is the word of God but it's been written by imperfect man, once more translated by more imperfect men, and further edited imperfect men! So my issue is that there are all these imperfections trying to piece together a picture of something perfect. It's like a thousand piece jigsaw with 200 pieces missing - you get the jist of what's there, but ultimately the complete picture could have a detail we've missed! It's just not something that I can openly accept. And it makes me sad that I can not.
Every so often I imagine myself coming face to face with God - at the pearly gates, in my living room, during the rapture - whatever it may be. I must stress that during these imaginative meetings I am by no means comparing myself or deeming myself worthy of an audience with God, but as a tool for me to work out my faith or there lack of. Anyway in these meetings with God I try to imagine the conversation, how it develops, things that could be said, how I'd defend or explain my lack of faith, how could God respond etc.
The most common imaginative meeting I have with God is one where I am across from him/her. Nothing more than a distorted image. God doesn't say anything, just looks toward me (How can a feeble minded man of flesh imagine how God looks or sounds or could respond). The best way I can describe it is like a really important and intimidating job interview, where your new boss says nothing, but an overwhelming silence and crushing awkwardness pushes you to blabber on. Anyway in these conversations I explain myself. I explain that while I don't have faith in the traditional sense, I have it in a way that still celebrates everything that God is supposed to have created. I find the earth mind blowing beautiful - I respect it. I'm overwhelmed by the whole mystery of space and time, constantly wonder about what's up there and what's making it all work. I love the people close to me. The ability to feel and celebrate that is awesome. I'm grateful for being able to feel and experience all of these incredible things - but I ultimately have issue with how to celebrate it. If God is all his/her infinite wisdom (and we can't even comprehend infinity!) did all of this stuff for us, then why do we need to prepare ourselves for a life beyond this realm. Surely what we have here, the things we are allowed to feel and do, are a reward in itself!?
It's like an artist hanging the most incredible painting ever created in a gallery, but telling you 'nah don't look at that, wait till you see what I've got next - but you need to queue up first and not act like a total muppet before you can see it'. Where's the sense in it!? It makes no sense. Is there a sin in enjoying what opportunity was put before us? Or have we to follow the carrot on the stick, making sure we behave or risk being beaten by the stick? Nothing about it seems fair or makes any sense which is where my lack of religious devotion comes back. Rules.
Rules, written by man for us to blindly follow under the thinly veiled guise of faith. Particularly now, I struggle to accept the pure and good intentions of mankind. Everything has an agenda. We are ultimately horrible to each other (on a wide scale) are these the rules I want to follow? This has been the case all through history. So why would I opt to follow the rules of a very imperfect mankind?
Going back to my imaginary conversation I explain all of this. I explain that I, frankly, think it's bullshit and if God wants to punish me for loving outside of wedlock, for enjoying this incredible planet, supporting same sex relationships then go ahead and punish me. Hypocrisy being, in my eyes, the greatest sin of all and one we are all guilty of! I don't imagine any further of the conversation with God. How could I?
Faith at this point for me becomes a hypocrisy. I'm a hypocrite for wanting it, and I'm a hypocrite if I suddenly decide I have it. It makes no sense and I am confused by it all. No more than ever have I ever wanted a bit of faith - there's so much going on in the world, and I really believe we're headed into a point of no return. If not by global war, than definitely by climate change.
Then again maybe faith is the reason we're in this mess to begin with....
So the question is, what do I do?