okieinexile
Well-Known Member
Slimy trails to you
By Bobby Neal Winters
When I was growing up, Daddy would always read the Tarzan Sunday comic to my brother and me. This was a highlight of the week though it often strained the credulity of even a pre-schooler. As one writer put it, the lost kingdoms began to crowd each other out of Africa, and then there were the tigers, which in reality are limited to Asia, but the series I recall the most was about giant worms. Tarzan had discovered a series of tunnels big enough for a man to stand up in that had been dug by giant worms. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever read, until my wife and I moved into our current home and met the slugs.
I had never seen a slug before I moved to Kansas. I don't know whether it's just too dry for them in Oklahoma, or whether we just sent them all to Washington to represent us in Congress, but slugs were something completely beyond my experience. However, I have been baptized by fire now, as our basement is something like a slug Mecca, and going down there can be frightening.
It takes a lot of rationality to make oneself believe that something so ugly and slimy can be completely harmless. On the other hand, only it only takes a moment's irrationality to form the thought, "Mutant, flying, bloodsucking slugs." After such thought, trips to the basement require courage.
There are slug poisons, but we are more afraid of them than we are the slugs. We are more open to folk remedies than we are chemical warfare. One such remedy is beer. It is a fact if you put out a saucer of beer, it will attract slugs, they will crawl into it, and die. If the mental image of a saucer full of beer-soaked, dead slugs is not enough to put you off this idea, what an expert informed my Rotary club will. It seems this attracts your neighbor's slugs into your yard as well, which strikes me as taking neighborliness to an unhealthy extreme.
We've also been told sweetgum balls are also an effective slug repellant. Those of us who have sweetgum trees are greatly desirous of a use for them, and saying they are a slug repellent is something like saying the zucchini is sort of a natural Viagra. (It is, you know.) However, in speaking to the garden expert, I have been disabused of this notion. It is such a shame for a hope to die, even if it is a false one.
However, as I was out for a drive the other day, I saw an Emu ranch and got an idea. My family could make a virtue of necessity and start raising slugs in an intentional way. We could call our enterprise "The Dripping W Slug Ranch." I can envision our brand as a "W" with slime oozing off it.
Marketing might be a challenge, but nothing like trying to get rid of the things. For our larger specimens, we could market the meat in the form of steaks under the logo, "The other gray meat." This has the advantage of being completely boneless.
For our smaller specimens, we could call them escargot al fresco. These would be an up-market item for the discriminating palate that does not wish to be bothered with a shell. Though I understand that escargot itself has a good sauce, our item would come with its own sauce.
The culinary aspects are only the beginning. Slug clothing would be another avenue to explore. Ostrich skin boots would become passé, a thing of yesteryear when people discover they could actually wear slug-skin boots. Belts would be another item that could be made from slugs as it would take advantage of the slug's natural shape. Perhaps we could also have a holder for a single cigars made from the skin of one slug.
As you can see, the possibilities are endless, and now you have the chance to get in on the ground floor of a whole new industry. You can come to our home right now and get your own starter set of slugs. You can either take a cattle prod down to our basement and get some of the larger specimens or got to our strawberries and rose bushes and gather the classical-sized variety, but you need to act soon before this opportunity slips away.
By Bobby Neal Winters
When I was growing up, Daddy would always read the Tarzan Sunday comic to my brother and me. This was a highlight of the week though it often strained the credulity of even a pre-schooler. As one writer put it, the lost kingdoms began to crowd each other out of Africa, and then there were the tigers, which in reality are limited to Asia, but the series I recall the most was about giant worms. Tarzan had discovered a series of tunnels big enough for a man to stand up in that had been dug by giant worms. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever read, until my wife and I moved into our current home and met the slugs.
I had never seen a slug before I moved to Kansas. I don't know whether it's just too dry for them in Oklahoma, or whether we just sent them all to Washington to represent us in Congress, but slugs were something completely beyond my experience. However, I have been baptized by fire now, as our basement is something like a slug Mecca, and going down there can be frightening.
It takes a lot of rationality to make oneself believe that something so ugly and slimy can be completely harmless. On the other hand, only it only takes a moment's irrationality to form the thought, "Mutant, flying, bloodsucking slugs." After such thought, trips to the basement require courage.
There are slug poisons, but we are more afraid of them than we are the slugs. We are more open to folk remedies than we are chemical warfare. One such remedy is beer. It is a fact if you put out a saucer of beer, it will attract slugs, they will crawl into it, and die. If the mental image of a saucer full of beer-soaked, dead slugs is not enough to put you off this idea, what an expert informed my Rotary club will. It seems this attracts your neighbor's slugs into your yard as well, which strikes me as taking neighborliness to an unhealthy extreme.
We've also been told sweetgum balls are also an effective slug repellant. Those of us who have sweetgum trees are greatly desirous of a use for them, and saying they are a slug repellent is something like saying the zucchini is sort of a natural Viagra. (It is, you know.) However, in speaking to the garden expert, I have been disabused of this notion. It is such a shame for a hope to die, even if it is a false one.
However, as I was out for a drive the other day, I saw an Emu ranch and got an idea. My family could make a virtue of necessity and start raising slugs in an intentional way. We could call our enterprise "The Dripping W Slug Ranch." I can envision our brand as a "W" with slime oozing off it.
Marketing might be a challenge, but nothing like trying to get rid of the things. For our larger specimens, we could market the meat in the form of steaks under the logo, "The other gray meat." This has the advantage of being completely boneless.
For our smaller specimens, we could call them escargot al fresco. These would be an up-market item for the discriminating palate that does not wish to be bothered with a shell. Though I understand that escargot itself has a good sauce, our item would come with its own sauce.
The culinary aspects are only the beginning. Slug clothing would be another avenue to explore. Ostrich skin boots would become passé, a thing of yesteryear when people discover they could actually wear slug-skin boots. Belts would be another item that could be made from slugs as it would take advantage of the slug's natural shape. Perhaps we could also have a holder for a single cigars made from the skin of one slug.
As you can see, the possibilities are endless, and now you have the chance to get in on the ground floor of a whole new industry. You can come to our home right now and get your own starter set of slugs. You can either take a cattle prod down to our basement and get some of the larger specimens or got to our strawberries and rose bushes and gather the classical-sized variety, but you need to act soon before this opportunity slips away.
