Just looking to make sense of it all

[Nicodemus81]

I apologize in advanced for the length and scatter brained sentences that follow. Almost all of the ideas here are things I've never been able to put to words. It all feels like trying to describe a color, if that makes sense. I'm new here and I'm just looking for answers

I love the primal, thinking about what lead civilizations to believe what they did, what man thought when they first looked at the stars and sunrises with thought. I don't know what else to call it, and I don't know where I could ever learn more or talk with like minded people

My first mushroom trip left me with no doubt on how religion and spirituality came to become so ingrained into human nature.

The use of plants for spiritual experiences is not what I'm asking to debate. I believe in them and feel I'm much better for it. But unless someone asks for it, I will leave the description of that day out of this. I often find myself thinking about that trip, it no doubt had a profound effect on me.

I've always felt like there was some larger framework of living than what we are brought up in. I think about all the theories out there on
reality in general; Where the universe came from, is there a power controlling the smallest building blocks of existence, is it intelligent and aware?
and at times I feel depressed that I will never know the big answers to all the questions I have.

I completely accept and believe in a, if not spiritual, then mental, benefit to various plants used in shamanistic rituals. Whether or not they
connect us with a higher plane of thought, they definitely can connect us with parts of ourselves we have trouble finding or just lost all together

I feel my curiosity will never be filled, and that makes my heart feel heavy. It's made worse by the lack of people around me that are interested in any
of this and don't care to discuss it. It gives me an intense feeling of loneliness that carries through to all aspects of my life.

I don't come here to complain, I come here for a possible outlet, a place to get feedback from people who may be at the same stage in their lives or beyond it, for possible answers. Because the frustration I feel at my inability to ever convey everything I think about into words makes me feel trapped. The multitude of scenes and pictures that go through my head and the fact they I'll never be able to express them is a major source of frustration and stress for me.

I hope I make sense to someone out there, this feels like a heavy load to walk around with at 20 years old

 

[China Cat Sunflower]

Hey Nic, this is a good place to come and try to describe what you're thinking. I've been in your position and I understand what you mean. I had that LSD experience that you're describing when I was about twenty. I still remember sitting there watching the psychedelic grainies swimming in the air with my mind blown wide open, crying with joy and blubbering "I understand, I understand!" I had some cool friends and we would sit around tripping and talking about poetry and philosophy until the sun came up, then run out and greet everyone in the groggy morning world and laugh with drug induced glee at their confusion. I remember dropping acid and going to beer parties. As I became more and more aware I watched everyone else become less and less aware. It felt like being a God. I could almost read people's minds it seemed.

A couple of things: You may not be able to figure out the ultimate cosmic reality, but you can understand the functional model. IOW, you CAN understand how meaning is made and how we construct our own personal and shared realities. I imagine that you are trying to construct a personal mythology. That is, you are trying to assemble elements of cultural mythos as a vehicle for creating a self identity. It's kind of like creating an avatar for an RPG. You adjust the sliders. Am I a Paladin? Am I a Druid? Am I a black or white mage? Perhaps I am enamored with Native American spirituality, or I like Hindu or Buddhist spirituality? You collect these various elements to create a "self" made up of parts of labels that are readily available. I would suggest to you that this process is ultimately a waste of time. It's a dress-up game. It's better to begin to deconstruct your motives and figure out why you want the comfort of belonging.

Second, you have to actually read the source material to gain the language mastery you need to explain what you're thinking. You have to read the sacred texts and digest the philosophies of the ages to understand what those dudes were talking about. You'll wind up discarding most of it, but you can't skip that step. Don't just buy into thought systems. Don't just swallow labels and the thoughts of others without careful scrutiny. There are no short cuts. You can't just buy it off the rack you have to put in the effort. Get comfortable with saying "I don't know." Learn to accept the emptiness inherent in that honesty.

Life isn't like the movies. Movies have simple plot lines inhabited by stock characters based on readily available stereotypes. There is no inherent reward for being good. There is no inherent punishment for being bad. There is no karma.

If any of that made sense I would suggest that you begin to read existentialist philosophy. If I'm completely peeing in the wind it won't be the first time so just ignore me.

Good luck!

Chris

 

[Dream]

Its unbelievable what you can get on the internet for free.

 

[17th Angel]

Dimethyltryptamine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia known to some as the "spirit molecule" the most out of body experience I know of, LSD... That is nothing in comparison. It is really an out of body experience lol... It hits fast, it hits hard and I have never felt anything like it before.... However sure these things can be seen as aids/tools/support, but in a real relationship that are not needed You already have the tools, not the weed, acid shrooms, DMT lol I mean a heart, that is what obviously starts someone seeking a relationship and that is what we seek in others when we attempt to gain a relationship with them... What is their heart saying? How do they act... What are they about... Not... Are they off their faces? but yeah.... Whatever floats you're boat. We all learn personal lessons from out own experiences with drugs...

I learnt the higher I got the Lower I was getting I needed more and more and more and more lol... I didn't really notice how bad I got with some stuff... lol but yeah, no saint I still smoke weed but I don't see it as a MUST to gain wisdom, understanding, knowledge and a relationship... Sometimes hard day of work people have a odd drink, I'll have an odd smoke... I let my tools become the workman.

I guess what I be trying to say is just.... Keep tabs on "what it takes" to reach that place.

 

[wil]

I hope I make sense to someone out there, this feels like a heavy load to walk around with at 20 years old

Namaste and quite interesting that you picked the name my brother. You picked the educated one, that came in the darkness (unknowing) to the Christ (the light) for understanding.

I ain't the light, simply a reflection, but such a joy to have you here. And yes...so many of us were there, and have found our comfort zone. Maybe not all the answers, most probably not all your answers, as our questions and answers differ.

But 20...is an absolutely wonderful time to be expanding your neuronet dramatically.

Hey Nic, this is a good place to come and try to describe what you're thinking.

Life isn't like the movies.

Exactly, most of us play nice, much of the time, but we also get into it quite readily and regularly. Such fun.

And no no problem worth solving is solved in two hours of celluloid. Tis a shame how movies and TV dramas simply exentuate the instant personal gratification craze.

I learnt the higher I got the Lower I was getting I needed more and more and more and more lol... I didn't really notice how bad I got with some stuff...

Yes a lot to be said for that, we can't always expect an altered state to explain another state. To be honest I don't know what is real, my spiritual beliefs, the world I walk and talk in, my night dreams, my day dreams, my visions, or drug experiences.

Presently I've grown beyond extracurricular vacations utilizing substances, prefer contemplation, meditation, consternation, circumambulation, mastication, and discussion, rinse and repeat until all entrenched societal notions are examined, explained or erased.

But the joy of the unknowing, the joy of knowing unknowing is awesome. The blessing of being comfortable in your skin, comes with time, with exploration.

I look forward to hearing more.