First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who put in the time and effort to respond. I really appreciate it.
Before getting into what you all mentioned, I would like to mention the three kinds of compromises/agreements we have tried so far:
1. He gave me an ultimatum, and I realized the only way to be with him is to agree to let him bring all the children Catholic. But he realized I wasn't really happy with the decision because I know I'm going to feel left out because: 1. he will goto the church with kids every Sunday, and I'll only go a couple of times with them. 2. When I want to goto the temple, the kids or him aren't going to have that same interest or excitement as me. So since I felt like the decision completely disregards as to what I want for our children, we decided to think of something else.
2. My boyfriend spoke with a priest and then he came home and suggested to me that we still make them go through communion and then at age 15, let the kid decide if they want to receive confirmation or not. To me this wasn't much different than what he had insisted upon earlier. I asked how a 15 year old is old enough to make that decision, and he had even mentioned that he stands strong on communion because that's an extra step towards making sure they're Catholic. I asked what if they chose buddhism at age 15, then he said he's still gonna make them goto church and be involved in both religions equally. But all I feel is that it is very unfair since once the child has gone thru baptism, communion, his mind is going to be set on receiving the next step; confirmation and I am not going to have any say in it. But just to keep things cool I kind of agreed to it for a while.
2. But after thinking about it a lot, I felt like my needs have not been taken into considerations at all. I was deeply hurt thinking the fact that he would never say "oh you can bring up the kids Buddhist the way you want, cuz all I want to do is be with you". And I felt like if he loves me as much as he says he does, then he should be willing to take my needs into consideration instead of just going along with what him and his priest discussed. So I decided to be more vocal about my needs and told him that the only way I would be with him if we let the children wait till their 18. So at this point we've both given each other ultimatums. I know this is wrong but sometimes it is really hard not be a little selfish. I mean what's the point if I am willing to give up everything for him but he stands strong on what he says.
But none of these compromises worked because we realized either way, one of us is going to be unhappy with the decision and we still do love each other very much and hate to see the other person sad.
So right now where we are is at a point where we're going to kind of ease up on the heated up debates on religion and take our time for a while. He hasn't proposed to me yet, so yes, we do have some time to think about this stuff.
Now, to address a couple of things you guys posted:
Nick: We have actually sat down and written things down that we agree upon or disagree upon. But like you said we both know a piece of paper doesn't mean we're not going to change our minds in the future. And yes, I am well aware that the in-laws are going to be very much involved and no we haven't sat down and discussed this with them. However, his dad has mentioned to him a couple of times that we will have issues with raising kids. His dad is very vocal about Catholicism and is going to be very upset if the children aren't going to be raised strictly Catholic. That is something my boyfriend is thinking of talking to his dad about. On the other hand, my parents (both Buddhist) are happy with whatever that makes me happy. But we won't to come to an agreement amongst ourselves before getting the in-laws involved. My bf has also agreed that we are allowed to say to our children what we believe in, even though it is going to be contradicting most of the time. He also said we should teach the children our religions ourselves and not involve sunday schools since this will be too much for the children. I said that I should be able to tell the kids things like harming animals is bad, and you shouldn't make fun of people etc which aren't emphasized in Catholicism.
Saltmeister: yea, I have tried many many times (like when I made that 1st compromise), to tell myself that I am going to let him have his way and if somethings meant to be then it'll happen and yes, I can tell the children I was the gentle one
But it's harder than I thought. When one person is pushing hard to get their way, then I feel completely neglected and wonder what role I will be playing in this relationship with him/our children. But all in all, what I wish to gain is fairness. Equal inputs from us as parents and let the child decide when they're adults. However, like you said my bf IS a people pleaser! uh oh! and he is going to want to take his parents side when they become involved. Hopefully he loves me enough to see my point of view. I know Buddhism is supposed to be all about not being greedy and letting go, but honestly when one side of the rope is being pulled and I'm just been pulled along with it, it's hard not to pull back a little. But all I'm concerned about is being fair, and I know he's strict on communion/confirmation because that is going to mentally influence a person telling them that they are in fact Catholic. Not that there's everything wrong with them being Catholic, but I want them to choose a religion based on what THEY think is right, not on what was imposed on them.
Snoopy: Yes, it is correct that he insisted and was completely against what I wanted at first, but going to the temple once in a while was something I mentioned since living in USA it is definitely hard to find a temple where ever u live. And I myself do not go to the temple every week. But I would definitely like to visit whenever I can and especially at special occasions. And speaking of wedding, he was fine with having a church wedding and a poruwa wedding since mine is more cultural than religious. But if it were religious he mentioned that his relatives would probably have a problem attending the wedding.
So my biggest problem right now is getting him to realize that it is okay to wait till their 18 for them to receive communion and confirmation, and until then we would just have to play our own roles and educate the children in both religions as much as we can. But he feels like he is not keeping up to his duties if he doesn't have the child receive communion at least. So this is the only thing that is keeping us from making future plans and moving on. Either I need to just let go and let him have his way, or he needs to agree to waiting till the kids are 18, so we both get half half in my opinion. The only thing we agree on is that we know whatever decision is made, one of us is going to be somewhat unhappy and is going to have to "deal with it".
