bananabrain said:
if i understand you correctly, dauer, you're saying it is no longer free will if you do not have the ability to choose at a given time. in which case, i'd have to refine my definition and say that the amount of choice you have varies according to circumstances, albeit sometimes it's very small - for example, if one falls off a cliff, one cannot exercise one's choice not to be subject to gravity. i hope you don't think this flippant. in other words i think there are both environmental and personal "will-spaces", but that in certain circumstances these are severely restricted for various reasons outside one's control.
It seems like it's really a matter of where each of us is coming from, due to experience but also do to our theological positions. For me, I have no problem saying that sometimes we lose our free will for the benefit of ourselves and others. For you, at least it seems like you feel the need to reconcile what you know about the world with the idea that we always have free will. But as you say, what I have been through is not exactly something most people can relate to.
you must understand it's a bit tough to completely understand your PoV, as much as i try to empathise, because it's outside my personal experience.
I've figured out basic rules that I've revealed to help determine how I will act when I am like that which, Baruch HaShem, isn't much anymore.
1. Proximity. Distance equals time. When I am further away from someone, my mind often has the time it needs to talk itself down. When I am closer, I have no time.
2. If there is a physical threat I will usually hold off. If there are risks that go beyond my body I will not. Risks for which I would hold off would be a case of sensing someone would hurt me, or if I am driving a car. When it happened while driving a car, it was after I stopped and called someone to ask for help that it finally caught up with me.
3. I become irrational so it doesn't matter what my relationship is with the other person. In fact, it will seem like the only way to get beyond that particular situation.
4. It feels good, sometimes wonderful, but I feel horrible after.
It is for these reasons that I like to use the paradigm of the yetzer hara and yetzer hatov. For a moment the only thing that concerns me is my physical body. I can't see beyond the moment. It is my base drive to violence that seems to rule my conciousness. For the many years that I believed it was in my power to fully reverse this, I made no progress. If it is bad enough, which is usually, I find myself helpless. This doesn't mean I don't make a decision. I do. I choose the best decision, to hurt someone I may or may not care about. It's like being drunk, I think. I've never been drunk. It wouldn't be smart because I'm bipolar.
I don't expect you to have anything to say to this. I'm just trying to better convey what my experience is like.
Dauer
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