I am not really bothered whether it be Karmic or judgement. I am frightened that it is all nothing.
We had elementary school teachers who put up gold stars or red dots, who wrote notes on our conduct and talking in class...Who told us it was all going down on our permanent record.
And Sunday school teachers who told us about heaven and hell.and St. Michael at the pearly gates checking the permanent record to see where we end up.
And then of course there is Santa claus...keeping his naughty and nice list and giving presents or coal based on the balance.
Fables and myths are full of selfsame judgemental allegories and parables designed to keep us on the straight and narrow beating into us this (fictitious?) list!
But is it?
Sometimes I feel there is a god, often I don't. I can have several such contradictions in a single day.
G!d and the list are in that same category for me.
I believe the list is real....but it is kept by us, and evaluated by our conscience and memory multiple times per day or maybe even minute. Our thoughts on it put us in heaven or hell ...permanently...forever our thoughts, memories, morality are evaluating past thoughts, words, responses and actions (the permanent record) and either instilling doubt, satisfaction, joy, guilt...based on our perspective, paradigm and attitude.
The result of that will build on the past like a snowball running down the hill...we want to change the size and direction of that which we are creating we need to change our thoughts words responses and actions...
We can incrementally tilt the scales of our self imposed permanent list and the resultant arrows and sticks or we can change our perspective adjust the paradigm and our understanding to make sweeping adjustments (find a savior or religion that we can align and use that crutch of acceptance or confession absolution and penance) to flip the scales quickly.
As usual...stream of consciousness response in this moment letting my fingers do the talking so I can read it and see what I am thinking.