Hello everyone, I just want to take a moment to introduce myself, share what I believe and don’t believe, and give you a little backstory.
First of all, I must confess that I don’t quite know what I’m doing. I have no experience in expressing myself or my experiences with others. I will probably put my foot in my mouth quite a few times as I communicate with all of you. For that, I apologize, but it is what it is. I have spent most of my life in isolation. Not because I was some kind of monk or spiritual person. In actuality, I don’t even believe in spirituality. Spirituality is beautiful, poetic, and can be a very sensual experience, but it is not true. You can use it as a doorway to truth. I isolated myself out of a lack of worthiness. As I mentioned above, I’m dyslexic, but I also have dysgraphia and dyspraxia. All these things affect communication, writing, speaking, and reading. They have nothing really to do with the brain; they are nervous system disorders. You wouldn’t even know I had these if you met me in person. In fact, for a lot of people, they go undiagnosed until adulthood. You could say I grew up thinking I was stupid. I got picked on and took it all quite personally at the time. I felt embarrassed to talk in front of other people. I never liked other people to see my handwriting and so forth. At some point, I just began to become invisible. I never had relationships. I lived alone, and I worked alone, and I liked it that way. I didn’t have an outward world; everything was internal to me. I tried my best to hide myself, always afraid that someone would see beyond the facade of the person I was pretending to be. I never told anyone anything truly personal about myself. I did art, played guitar, and wrote songs but never shared them with anyone. For a long time, this worked for me, until it just didn’t anymore.
My peace and serenity were disturbed by what some of you call an awakening—a simple realization that there was more than what I thought. I start looking at spirituality and esoteric ideas? To be honest, I found it all very confusing and most of it a bunch of nonsense. I wanted answers, not a philosophy. I didn’t really care for the New Age; I thought it had too many aliens involved in it for my taste. I didn’t care for Buddhism or yoga; nothing seemed to satisfy what I was asking. It was all just a bunch of processes and meditations that didn’t seem to really take you anywhere. I know some will disagree with me on that, and that is okay.
Here’s what I came to understand about awakening: Awakening is just becoming more aware. That is why you start to ask questions after you awaken. With this newfound awareness, I also became much more aware of my wounds because I had not dealt with any of them. They were all just there, hiding behind the protective illusion that I had created.
These wounds began to come up into my awareness, irritating and frustrating me to no end. My comfortable routines were no longer comfortable, but I didn’t know how to deal with them. So, I tried to fight them, I tried to beat them. I went around in circles like this for a while, always finding myself back in the same place I started.
Then one day, I came across someone who seemed different. Instead of trying to sell me a book or a process that would change my life, this person said all is known and has always been known. There’s nothing to learn. This person didn’t teach spirituality. They even said spirituality was a waste of time. They said philosophy and theology were pointless. This person taught me how to feel, for feeling is just allowing yourself to be aware. There was no process to it. He said allowing is just allowing. You don’t have to do anything other than be aware and feel into your own existence. He actually discouraged meditation. He didn’t have any rules; you could meditate if you wanted to. The more you allowed, the more you realized you didn’t need to meditate. I will say I found allowing very difficult at first. The depth of allowing goes much deeper than you realize. When I told him I was allowing, he would call out my bullshit. Even to this day, I am still discovering new levels of allowing. From this person, I learned about consciousness and how it creates energy and the dynamics between the two. Not through lectures, but by having me feel into the energies. Then, when I would tell him I didn’t know, he would again call me out on my bullshit. This was the one thing you could never tell him: “I don’t know.” Because he would just remind me that I already knew the answer. And if I would just allow, I would remember it. Yes, he loved to curse. He said it helped him get his point across. He taught the sensuality of experiences, He taught the sensuality of knowness and wisdom. Any time you would try to philosophy it or turn it into some spiritual munbo jumbo he would call you out on it. He didn't care much for spiritual bullshit, or what he called distraction. He did not believe in sugar coating things, with imaginary love dust. He said what he meant and meant what he said. And if you could not take his honesty you could simply leave. He did not appreciate spiritual seekers because he didn't teach seeking. He would tell them straight up That seeking only leads to more seeking. And if that's what they wanted , they could kindly fuck off and go elsewhere. He would only teach people who chose enlightenment above everything else. Cause if you still wanted to play the game of illusions then you were not ready for enlightenment. He also taught what he called physics. The physics was there to just help human to let go. Cause once you understand how consciousness an energy worked , you are more likely to allow. When you realize that power or the belief in power is causing most of your suffering. Then you will find it easier to let go of it, and let your consciousness create your experience of reality instead of trying to create from the mind or from the human perspective. Allowing isn't about creating a better human. In a way it's about killing the human. If you want to create a better human be super powerful super-intelligent then allowing is not for you. Allowing doesn't promise you riches or fame. It only promises you the truth. It is brutal , it will destroy all illusions. In allowing, you must face all of your demons and heal all of your wounds. Your wounds will stop you from feeling and from allowing. There is no process to this; the human cannot fix the human. Therapy or processing your emotional wounds does not get you anywhere. The most you can achieve is simply an internal cold war or a temporary armistice within yourself. Until you come across something that triggers you, and the war starts exactly where it left off.
Only by bringing your awareness to your wounds and allowing them without judgment can you end the battle within. When you allow an experience, it creates wisdom. Wisdom is not knowledge; it is an understanding of yourself. Wisdom is multidimensional; it is why consciousness chooses to have experiences. It wanted wisdom; it was all-knowing but desired the understanding that wisdom brings. All the pain and suffering you have gone through, lifetime after lifetime, was just the gathering of wisdom.
I was taught that allowing is letting that knowingness and wisdom you have already created be in your experience and letting it change your experience. I could go on and on about what I came to realize. To keep things short, it changed me completely. Allowing did not remove the things I thought were defects. It did not magically make me not dyslexic anymore. It’s just that I didn’t care anymore; it just isn’t that important. It’s been a long journey to get here, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing about it.
So now I find myself here on this forum. I am not here to prove myself or what I believe. They are my truths and do not have to be yours. As I said in a previous post, all paths lead to the same destination. How you get there is completely up to you. You don’t need me or anyone else to make that choice for you.I don't believe in good or bad just preference. if you prefer something else there's nothing wrong with that. I will honor your choice completely. I'm not here to attack anybody or to convince or convert. I will speak very Passionately about what I believe in, and will respect when you do as well. I am also used to solitary experiences. I am not used to having conversations with others people. You could say i'm a bit out of practice. So please excuse me if I make any social faux pas. You can call me out on it, it will not hurt my feelings. In the future I will try and make what I write more clear and understandable. But if you don't understand it , please ask , and I'll try to clarify. I have not studied esoteric teachings or a lot of these other spiritual teachings. So I may not be familiar with a lot of the terms that you use. So forgive me gor my Ignorance when I ask you what do you mean. This is a beautiful new experience for me and I thank all of you for being part of it. I hope you enjoy the experience as well.
