Religion and humour

bob x said:
LOST CHAPTERS OF THE TORAH:

Of any of the cereal grains thou mayest eat, of the wheat, whether puffed or shredded or even frosted with sugar, or of the corn that is flaked, or of multicolored circles of unknown provenance, but not in the living room. Neither mayest thou eat sandwiches in the living room, nor cookies, nor anything that thou puttest into thy mouth, not milk nor any kind of juice, nay, not even in sippy cups. Even the black strip which divides the carpet from the linoleum is the beginning of the living room, and no portion of thy food nor drink shall pass over it, lest thou know wrath. For I have brought thee into this world, and I can take thee out. But if thou art sick, and home from school, and lie upon the sofa, and thy mother bringeth thee ginger ale and soda crackers, then thou mayest eat in the living room.
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I like. :D :D :D And the third one from the first group, as well. :D :)
 
Cute, Pathless!

You know, I am beginning to wonder if I am a bit twisted or something--I didn't even know South Park was about religion, because I watched about five minutes of it once and never returned! LOL--but, then again, I did not like The Simpsons when they first came out (I changed my mind later, to some extent), and I hear that some churches actually integrated that program into their Sunday School lessons??

But am I twisted because I think joke #2 is funny??

InPeace,
InLove
 
Bring out the holy hand grenade.....

to blow all blasphemous jokes to little bitty bits....

to put all heretical books in an inferno...

our wonderful selective holy hand grenade that thinks only as I and will impose my judgement on all...

heaven knows we don't want them laughing....
 
From the inimitable Rowan Atkinson ("Mr. Bean"):


And the Lord said unto the servants, fill these barrels with water. Then he said unto them, Draw forth and taste, and behold, it was wine. And the servants were sore amazed, and clapped their hands, and said, That was a good one! How didst thou do that?
But the Lord did change the subject, saying, For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a house of cards, pick ye a card, any card.
And they brought unto him a man that was sick of the palsy, and carried about on a stretcher, and said, Here is a man that is sick of the palsy. And the Lord said, If thou hadst to be carried about on a stretcher, thou shouldst be mighty sick of the palsy too!
And the servants were overjoyed, and said, Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks! Dost thou do children's birthday parties? But the Lord said, Nay, indeed...
 
bob x said:
LOST CHAPTERS OF THE TORAH:

Of any of the cereal grains thou mayest eat, of the wheat, whether puffed or shredded or even frosted with sugar, or of the corn that is flaked, or of multicolored circles of unknown provenance, but not in the living room. Neither mayest thou eat sandwiches in the living room, nor cookies, nor anything that thou puttest into thy mouth, not milk nor any kind of juice, nay, not even in sippy cups. Even the black strip which divides the carpet from the linoleum is the beginning of the living room, and no portion of thy food nor drink shall pass over it, lest thou know wrath. For I have brought thee into this world, and I can take thee out. But if thou art sick, and home from school, and lie upon the sofa, and thy mother bringeth thee ginger ale and soda crackers, then thou mayest eat in the living room.
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Then you've met my mother?! ROTFL! We take the whole 'cleanliness is close to godliness' part a bit too far in my family. I think I'd like to print that off and have it framed.

I must admit I got a chuckled out of all three of the previous jokes too! :D
 
So far you're the first one to like all three.

A mother used to walk her third-grader to school every morning, until one day he said, "I'm a big boy now, I can walk to school by myself!"
So she said OK, but being a mom, she went next-door to Mrs. Guinness, who walked her daughter to school at the same time, and said, "My boy is getting eight-year-old proud, and wants to walk to school by himself without me tagging along. So could you keep an eye on him from now on? Only don't be too obvious about it, or he'll know I put you on him."
Every morning then, Mrs. Guinness and her girl would tag along about a half-block behind. Of course he noticed, and his friends noticed, and one day one of them asked him about it.
He said, "I guess I have to get used to it. My mom has been teaching me to pray the 22nd Psalm, and it says, SHIRLEY GUINNESS AND MARCY WILL FOLLOW ME ALL MY DAYS."
 
Thou shalt not covet thy brother's truck, nor his crayons, nor his blankie, nor anything that is thy brother's. For thou hast thine own truck, and behold, as the one truck is, even so is the other. Doth not thine own crayon box contain all manner of colors? And as thy brother hath his blankie, which he loveth, so dost thou love thy stuffed bear. Hold thy bear, and be consoled. Now if perchance thy brother should stretch forth his hand, and snatch away thy bear, indeed that is an abomination, yet thou shalt not smite thy brother. For he is little, and hath not the wisdom and understanding which pertaineth to thy age. Neither shalt thou scream, nor cry out in loud lamentation, lest thou try my long-suffering patience, and be sent into bitter exile, in the place of time-out. Plead the justice of thy cause gently, and I shall hear thee. Surely I will reprove thy brother, and thou shalt see the restoration of thy bear.
 
bob x said:
Thou shalt not covet thy brother's truck, nor his crayons, nor his blankie, nor anything that is thy brother's. For thou hast thine own truck, and behold, as the one truck is, even so is the other. Doth not thine own crayon box contain all manner of colors? And as thy brother hath his blankie, which he loveth, so dost thou love thy stuffed bear. Hold thy bear, and be consoled. Now if perchance thy brother should stretch forth his hand, and snatch away thy bear, indeed that is an abomination, yet thou shalt not smite thy brother. For he is little, and hath not the wisdom and understanding which pertaineth to thy age. Neither shalt thou scream, nor cry out in loud lamentation, lest thou try my long-suffering patience, and be sent into bitter exile, in the place of time-out. Plead the justice of thy cause gently, and I shall hear thee. Surely I will reprove thy brother, and thou shalt see the restoration of thy bear.
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Hi Bob, This and the similar one in your post 20 are my favorites. :D

lunamoth, mother of two (ages 3 and 5)
 
Back to School

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is.

The friend said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy.

"Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
 
I said:
For example, there's the great historical uproar over Monty Python's "Life of Brian", which IMO is one of the most hilarious comedies ever made...
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I agree wholeheartedly! In fact I just watched it about 2 weeks ago, for the umpteenth time.

"Yes, we are all individuals."
 
"Lord, I have a problem." says Eve.
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in alll, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will help your needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"
"Well...you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman." ;)
 
Childhood Commandments

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
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There's more cute and funny stuff to be found here:

http://www.turoks.net/Cabana/ChildhoodCommandments.htm
 
Bless you Kathe, I could not find that piece for anything, had to reconstruct from memory. Do you know where to find the one with the "Talmud for modern times"?
 
i got this in an email, and i must admit it made me smile. :)

WHO GOD USES:

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the
Courage to change the one I can, and the Wisdom to know it's me.

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...AND
Lazarus was dead!

No more excuses now. God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.

1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's me.
3. Growing old is inevitable . growing UP is optional.
4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
6. Do the math. count your blessings.
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
9. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
12. The most important things in your house are the people.
13. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still.
God wants ! us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your full potential.

May God Always Bless You and Yours!
 
bob x said:
Bless you Kathe, I could not find that piece for anything, had to reconstruct from memory. Do you know where to find the one with the "Talmud for modern times"?
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Sadly, no.
 
"God, grant me the Serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the
Courage to change the one I can, and the Wisdom to know it's me."

Reminds me of:

God, grant me the Senility, to forget the people I cannot stand, the Good Luck to meet the people I like, and the Eyesight to tell the difference.
 
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