Hi Angel--
If you wanted more than the opening paragraph to simply just read, not to correct, to kinda see where I am going with this? I could supply you with that? No problem you don't.
Apparently, I must have logged out yesterday morning before I saw your edit. I'd love to read anything you would like to post in that regard. I am sure I'm not alone. And just to clarify, I am really not trying to correct anything--just offering feedback. Keep in mind that I tutored writers at the college level for a while, but I did find myself in over my head occasionally! So any comments I submit are intended to help you imagine what someone (or many someones) on the viewing end of your creations might perceive.
I did take your drafts with me yesterday, and I was glad to have them--I waited 6 1/2 hours to see a doctor who spent maybe 15 minutes with me! Not blaming the doctor--it is just frustrating to wait so long. But I made the proverbial lemonade. So not only did I come to understand quite a bit more about the different schools in Buddhist philosophy, I also had time to figure out what it is that I would like to offer in regard to your opening lines.
I had been thinking that the scene is just a bit confusing to me--the part about the weather and the storm and the leaves, etc. (Not the part at the church--that seems a bit more organized, which allows for your ideas to come through more clearly. Whether you ultimately decide to present this in a separate paragraph likely depends on how much you want to keep about the storm.)
I noticed that when you foreshadow with the elements of the approaching storm, there is quite a bit of repetition. I will try to illustrate:
It was mid October, the wind was violent, cold, and chilled to the bone, waiting for the right moment to instigate chaos. Menacing skies were grey and angry surrounding the entire frozen landscape. In the far distance darker clouds slowly drew near, lurking like a horde of predators. Every so often, a rumble came rolling from above the clouds, followed shortly by quick flashes of blinding light, that rushed through the holes of the thick blanket. They illuminated for brief moments the barren and dull countryside.
Here you have presented the winds, the clouds, the landscape, the clouds again, the thunder, the lightening, the clouds, and again the the landscape.
A bit of editing and organizing would make it all work well, but you follow it again:
Aggravated, became the winds provoking the mystifying dark ungovernable clouds of brutal force, to march on and begin destruction. They clearly showed dominance over the entire land and skies, placing a dull shadow upon everything within it’s path, consumed into it’s void. War drums warning of their arrival became louder and clearer with every passing moment, the thunder striking out, as if this dark force was accompanied by a band corps. One almighty and powerful drum major that echoed it’s boom for miles, engulfing the major, ample amounts of lighter beats trailing. Leaving nothing but, a path of gloom and harder hitting rain, which stormed with pure aggression to oppress, an air assault began and the rain drops fell, hard..
Here we have clouds again, the land again, and then you have introduced the path of destruction and its inevitable resulting void. Then you re-introduce the clouds, thunder and lightening once more, but then we come back to the void. I think the assault of the rain drops is good, but I just wonder if maybe it belongs somewhere closer to the end of the "weather report". You know--the invading force that started with those distant drums is now upon us without a doubt, and we are toast!
Trees, fruitless struggling to stand their ground, and their few remaining leaves fell and scattered randomly and hustled their way through the winds. As if perchance, they knew what laid in store, without hesitation beat their retreat and began to flee. Standing out like falling ambers, that crash landed upon the icy and wet cobbled stone ground. These leaves like others, were on a downward spiral, the end of their path was close and inevitable all they could do was helplessly sit back and watch. As their final stop, their awaiting grave, became closer and closer.
We are back to the landscape again. Something about the leaves and the trees bothers me. I know the idea is important to you. I can tell by the emphasis. But I keep wondering how the leaves can be complacent and taken by force if they also willingly take part in the storm? (I am probably not explaining my thoughts very well here, but I'm trying.) Something about the first and second sentences--something about grammatical agreement. "Trees," "leaves," and "they." Do you see what I mean? I get the idea that the leaves are "crashing", which just seems uncharacteristic of leaves in general. The picture in my mind isn't clear. By the way, do you mean "ambers" or "embers"?
I know it looks like I'm just tearing it all apart. That isn't my intent. Just taking a closer look. I know I am the one who suggested more descriptive devices, but what I may have inadvertantly done is led you toward over-elaboration. I know that when I write, I often get attached to certain terms or phrases that I just don't want to let go. And I wind up with all this great language I want to use, but the idea I am trying to convey tends to blur with too much of a good thing. Something like that anyway!
Again, these are only the thoughts of one person--me, and I'm just offering them in the event that they actually have a shred of merit.
Also what is the best way.... To get experience of "compassion"? I wish to bring this across... But, I haven't really got what it takes for this part... All my works are dark, cold and just the opposite of love, mercy and compassion.... This book I wish to bring a drop of goodness.... :/ Any works I should read?
Hmmm--so many works of literature out there that contain the essence of the seed! I'll think on it. But what makes you think you don't have it within yourself? If I say I see it in you, would you believe me?
I have heard of some artists in various genres who never look or listen to the work of others. I don't know--sounds a bit strange, I guess, but "creating" is just that--creating. Gotta start somewhere, right? Anyway, I'll think about it, and I'll just bet that in the meantime, there will be some other posters with some great suggestions! (By the way, aren't you the one with the huge DVD collection? Maybe there are some expressions of the concept right there....)
InPeace,
InLove
