Emotional Intelligence and shameless self-promotion

Paladin

Paladin

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I read Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence back in 1998 and while I'm still working on the skills I learned about in that book, it is my dream and passion to share what I have learned with other working class people.
Most of the guys I know in construction and the service industry have never heard the term "emotional intelligence" before and think it is either a touchy feely thing, and therefore un-manly in nature, or as one person put it. "something a devilish woman must have thought up."

I think now more than ever this world needs as many emotionally intelligent people as possible so I created a website dedicated to encouraging and teaching interpersonal and intrapersonal skills.
Since I have been here for a long time now I know there is a wealth of wisdom in all the people who visit and post here, so any suggestions (except those that are biologically impossible) are certainly welcome.
 
Paladin said:
I read Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence back in 1998 and while I'm still working on the skills I learned about in that book, it is my dream and passion to share what I have learned with other working class people.
Most of the guys I know in construction and the service industry have never heard the term "emotional intelligence" before and think it is either a touchy feely thing, and therefore un-manly in nature, or as one person put it. "something a devilish woman
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Perhaps the first step might have been to query if the parties were aquainted with any of the work(s) of Daniel Goleman and, should they profess such prior knowledge, an area of common converse might result. Lacking this common knowledge most people would find the term "Emotional Intelligence" as otherwise un familiar and un defined.

Lacking a common frame of reference it should not be surprising that the manifold meanings, attributed to the words of that unfamiliar term, might very well yield the various expressed connotations which appears to be supported by the experimental results as has been reported. <grin>
 
Yes, many men are not good at expressing their emotions. Yes, they have to learn how to it (better), but it has to be done in a masculine, not feminine way. Anyone who tries to get guys to express emotions in a feminine way is fighting a huge, huge battle.

I also firmly believe that guys who cannot express their emotions will never be truly happy in a marriage.
 
Nick the Pilot said:
Yes, many men are not good at expressing their emotions. Yes, they have to learn how to it (better), but it has to be done in a masculine, not feminine way. Anyone who tries to get guys to express emotions in a feminine way is fighting a huge, huge battle.

I also firmly believe that guys who cannot express their emotions will never be truly happy in a marriage.
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Isnt part of the problem that men are denying their softer aspect of their selves? Not all men some. I believe that a female is always going to be female and male a male and that each is half of the whole thing. When they do not express their emotions they are denying their female counterparts they are connected to. This shows a lack of intimacy between a married couple. Yes I do believe what you say about them expressing it in a masculine way because the male is the masculine half.
Niether would be happy in the marriage because the male is not feeding his wife the emotional connection through interaction that she needs.
 
Nick the Pilot said:
Yes, many men are not good at expressing their emotions. Yes, they have to learn how to it (better), but it has to be done in a masculine, not feminine way. Anyone who tries to get guys to express emotions in a feminine way is fighting a huge, huge battle.

I also firmly believe that guys who cannot express their emotions will never be truly happy in a marriage.
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One more point: Food isnt just something that you eat to maintain your body., Food for the mind(spirit) is good interactions and knowledge so in a sense a man or woman depending on the situation can be emotionally starving their spouse.
 
Nick the Pilot said:
Yes, many men are not good at expressing their emotions. Yes, they have to learn how to it (better), but it has to be done in a masculine, not feminine way. Anyone who tries to get guys to express emotions in a feminine way is fighting a huge, huge battle.

I also firmly believe that guys who cannot express their emotions will never be truly happy in a marriage.
Click to expand...

Hey Nick,

I'm using a model based on the research of Dr. Ruven Bar-on which lists five basic competencies. Those are all listed on the website, but the two I find most important for men are self-awareness and empathy.
Having a vocabulary with which to express emotion is very important as you say, but for many men there is the fear associated with doing so.
Ironic that men avoid emotional issues out of fear while displaying posturing behavior to hide it. That's an issue in itself.

Many of us learned cognitive skills as boys, and learned the skills needed to protect ourselves and others, we became men. But not developing the soft skills leaves us as just half a human being as donnan suggests.
One of the ways I make the bridge is by pulling out the US Army manual of leadership and showing the guys that self-awareness and empathy are salient marks of a man and a good leader.
 
Paladin,

I am presently putting together my own model, so I don't want to read someone else's model and subconsciously put parts of their model into my own. But I am interested in techniques. Does that web page have any techniques for making men more emotionally expressive?
 
Nick the Pilot said:
Paladin,

I am presently putting together my own model, so I don't want to read someone else's model and subconsciously put parts of their model into my own. But I am interested in techniques. Does that web page have any techniques for making men more emotionally expressive?
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Fair enough :)
The website is just my interpretation of emotional intelligence aimed at the average guy. On it's pages I try to give a short elevator speech about what EI is, and isn't, why you need to know, how you can benefit and what are some effective ways to cultivate these core competencies. A more scholarly site is the Consortium for Emotional Intelligence in Organizations. There are resources there that can help you build a workable model for your needs.

As far as emotional expressiveness is concerned I think getting the guys to understand the vocabulary is pretty key, once readiness to learn has been established. The motivation toward learning is key, so it has to be creative. Definite need for a bit of salesmanship here I'm afraid. But if you have a little salesman in you, it might be fun. Since I'm a blue collar guy, ex military and small business owner I can use metaphors the guys understand and can relate to.
For example I like to tell them which competencies as men they are already good at, and could teach their spouses a thing or two, then I outlay the extent of the skills they need and let them know that although they did great job and becoming the men they are, there is still work to be done, and I'ts not their fault they didn't get the skills as a kid, but now's the time to become a whole man.
 
That's pretty good, but I think you need to come up with specific practices for actually expressing emotions. In my model, the first thing I cover is expressing surprise. (People don't usually think of surprise as being an emotion, but it is.) Stoic men, especially, are not good at seeing something happen and then saying, "Oh my God!" or some other exclamation. So this is the first thing I work on.

Have you seen the movie Tender Mercies?

(1983). Tender Mercies (1983) - IMDb

This is an excellent example of an overly stoic man who is not in touch with his emotions, and is absolutley unable to express his emotions.
 
Hi Paladin, I also read EI in the late 90's and have tried to apply it to my daily life (I'm probably due for a re-read). It greatly helped me at the time as I was very emotionally immature (in my early 20's to boot and very "macho"). Your website is nice but could use some more detailed examples, IMHO.

One tool I find very valuable when dealing with negative emotions is "owning" the emotion (ties into your self-awareness point). Once I realized that no one can "make me" mad, jealous, etc; it greatly increased my awareness of these emotions within myself. It is more difficult to hold onto negative emotions when you take ownership of them vs. just blaming someone/something else for your feelings. Now when I feel negative emotions coming on I ask myself, "why do I choose to feel this way?"

Another big learning for me in dealing with anger (I used to have a "short fuse") was the concept that holding a grudge/being mad at someone is like taking a poison pill and hoping it affects the other person. Once I realized that other people (the targets of my anger) could care less and I'm really only poisoning myself with my negativity, my anger became much more manageable and today I rarely find myself in such a situation.

Taking responsibility for one's own emotions and realizing the consequences of negative emotions is key for advancing down the path of EI in my opinion...
 
IowaGuy said:
Hi Paladin, I also read EI in the late 90's and have tried to apply it to my daily life (I'm probably due for a re-read). It greatly helped me at the time as I was very emotionally immature (in my early 20's to boot and very "macho"). Your website is nice but could use some more detailed examples, IMHO.

One tool I find very valuable when dealing with negative emotions is "owning" the emotion (ties into your self-awareness point). Once I realized that no one can "make me" mad, jealous, etc; it greatly increased my awareness of these emotions within myself. It is more difficult to hold onto negative emotions when you take ownership of them vs. just blaming someone/something else for your feelings. Now when I feel negative emotions coming on I ask myself, "why do I choose to feel this way?"

Another big learning for me in dealing with anger (I used to have a "short fuse") was the concept that holding a grudge/being mad at someone is like taking a poison pill and hoping it affects the other person. Once I realized that other people (the targets of my anger) could care less and I'm really only poisoning myself with my negativity, my anger became much more manageable and today I rarely find myself in such a situation.

Taking responsibility for one's own emotions and realizing the consequences of negative emotions is key for advancing down the path of EI in my opinion...
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I couldn't agree more. Owning our own stuff is something so few people understand. Thanks for the input on the website. Once I get enough feedback I can begin to transform it and let it evolve. I had hoped to just put enough to get peoples attention and then direct them to more information. You know how the attention span is so sort these days :)
 
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