Discovering Forgiveness

pseudonymous

pseudonymous

Obtuse Kineticist
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Was there some experience in your life that has led you to a place of understanding of what forgiveness really means to you? Or is it still a mystery? Years back I had been alone with my mother, who I had had a very emotionally laden love/hate relationship with over the years. I don't remember the topic of the talk, but suddenly it deteriorated into a knock-down drag-out war of words. For the first time in my life I was able to objectify my mother's behavior, and by doing so I was able to see the emotional reaction's inception within my mother's life.

Suddenly through her tears, which had always been how the argument ended between herself and anyone, I saw the little child ~ possible 4 years old ~ sitting on the bed before me. It was not my mother that was arguing with me that night, but an echo of a life changing event that happened in her early childhood. Something had either been said, or some mannerism of mine had triggered the child echo to emerge center stage in our argument.

I had watched her in fascination, because I had realized what we had experienced was not a present moment reality, but the repitition of a long reinforced emotional pattern in her life. It had not been about me, and it had not been about her as an 80 year old woman. It had been about a 4 year old girl that found a defensive mechanism that thwarted whatever was happening to her that day 76 years prior.

I had immediately felt an emormous amount of compassion for her, myself, and everyone else, because I had realized that I had witnessed that much of our lives were fiction, based on events beyond even our conscious memory in some cases. I had immediately understood why I would, and could, forgive anyone not Self aware. You truly cannot be blamed for what you dream. No one wakes the morning after having had weird or odd dreams and blames themselves. And yet they will blame themselves and others for what they live unconsciously.

~ Pseudonymous (www.theawakeningself.com)
 
Pure forgiveness? I and my bride had been married for over 30 years last October. For reasons I cannot now fathom, I went off my meds (Paxil and Seroquel for post traumatic stress disorder), telling myself "I am more spontaneous when I am off my meds." So be it. Then one morning I woke up in a hospital handcuffed and shackled to the bed. A week later they took me to jail, charged with spousal abuse,

I had never raised a hand to her and now I was accused of beating her to the point of losing teeth and needing stitches. I realized I had done it, but to this day I remember none of it. Called "seratonin storm", which got me a not guilty because of temporary insanity verdict.

It wasn't my Doctors or the State Psychiatrist who came to my aid, it was my bride. My bride knew it wasn't really me. She convinced the Detective and the psychiatrist that I was "someone with no one at home". When the judge finally lifted the protection order abd I met her at the airport, flying home from her Cousins', we must of kissed and hugged pretty publically (we got a round of applause).

She had forgiven me. That forgiveness is organic to who she is and how she sees things. After thirty years she fully knew the "real Radar" (my nickname) would never do what I did. That forgiveness is unquestioning, like the Divine's. And it has brought both of us closer (she and I as well as G!d and I).

Peace and love conquers all.... Radarwhoismark
 
I haven't had a personal experience that drove it. But was studying forgiveness and realized if I eliminated blame, I'd not have to forgive. That took care of the future, but hard to release the blame from the past...

So a friend of mine told the story of being able to forgive her nephew, who murdered her sister. This just blew me away, and allowed me to slip into a level of forgiveness I had not known, and have not suffered to get to.
 
I think there comes a point where one simply has to let go of the negative emotions that come from being wronged by another. I just hurts too much to hold on to the anger. I'm beginning to feel this way about my ex wife. I'm tired of carrying around a big sack of anger, so I think I'll try to let it drop just to benefit myself. Maybe this isn't forgiveness, or maybe it's just the first step I'm not sure.

Chris
 
China Cat Sunflower said:
I'm tired of carrying around a big sack of anger, so I think I'll try to let it drop just to benefit myself.
Click to expand...

Reminds me of the saying:

"Holding a grudge is like taking a poison pill and hoping it affects the other person."

Holding a grudge can also be substituted with "hate", "anger", or "denying forgiveness" for the same effect. I personally try to remind myself of this simple concept whenever I feel those particular negative emotions coming on...
 
pseudonymous said:
Was there some experience in your life that has led you to a place of understanding of what forgiveness really means to you? Or is it still a mystery? Years back I had been alone with my mother, who I had had a very emotionally laden love/hate relationship with over the years. I don't remember the topic of the talk, but suddenly it deteriorated into a knock-down drag-out war of words. For the first time in my life I was able to objectify my mother's behavior, and by doing so I was able to see the emotional reaction's inception within my mother's life.

Suddenly through her tears, which had always been how the argument ended between herself and anyone, I saw the little child ~ possible 4 years old ~ sitting on the bed before me. It was not my mother that was arguing with me that night, but an echo of a life changing event that happened in her early childhood. Something had either been said, or some mannerism of mine had triggered the child echo to emerge center stage in our argument.


I had watched her in fascination, because I had realized what we had experienced was not a present moment reality, but the repitition of a long reinforced emotional pattern in her life. It had not been about me, and it had not been about her as an 80 year old woman. It had been about a 4 year old girl that found a defensive mechanism that thwarted whatever was happening to her that day 76 years prior.

I had immediately felt an emormous amount of compassion for her, myself, and everyone else, because I had realized that I had witnessed that much of our lives were fiction, based on events beyond even our conscious memory in some cases. I had immediately understood why I would, and could, forgive anyone not Self aware. You truly cannot be blamed for what you dream. No one wakes the morning after having had weird or odd dreams and blames themselves. And yet they will blame themselves and others for what they live unconsciously.

~ Pseudonymous (www.theawakeningself.com)
Click to expand...
We stumble semi-blind through our lives bumping into the suffering in others, which reminds us we suffer, too. Are we so different from those "others?" Apparently not- we foregive others as we must forgive ourselves. Metta, Earl
 
radarmark said:
She had forgiven me. That forgiveness is organic to who she is and how she sees things. After thirty years she fully knew the "real Radar" (my nickname) would never do what I did. That forgiveness is unquestioning, like the Divine's. And it has brought both of us closer (she and I as well as G!d and I).
Click to expand...
Nice. So you are still together?
 
pseudonymous said:
Was there some experience in your life that has led you to a place of understanding of what forgiveness really means to you? Or is it still a mystery? Years back I had been alone with my mother, who I had had a very emotionally laden love/hate relationship with over the years. I don't remember the topic of the talk, but suddenly it deteriorated into a knock-down drag-out war of words. For the first time in my life I was able to objectify my mother's behavior, and by doing so I was able to see the emotional reaction's inception within my mother's life.

Suddenly through her tears, which had always been how the argument ended between herself and anyone, I saw the little child ~ possible 4 years old ~ sitting on the bed before me. It was not my mother that was arguing with me that night, but an echo of a life changing event that happened in her early childhood. Something had either been said, or some mannerism of mine had triggered the child echo to emerge center stage in our argument.

I had watched her in fascination, because I had realized what we had experienced was not a present moment reality, but the repitition of a long reinforced emotional pattern in her life. It had not been about me, and it had not been about her as an 80 year old woman. It had been about a 4 year old girl that found a defensive mechanism that thwarted whatever was happening to her that day 76 years prior.

I had immediately felt an emormous amount of compassion for her, myself, and everyone else, because I had realized that I had witnessed that much of our lives were fiction, based on events beyond even our conscious memory in some cases. I had immediately understood why I would, and could, forgive anyone not Self aware. You truly cannot be blamed for what you dream. No one wakes the morning after having had weird or odd dreams and blames themselves. And yet they will blame themselves and others for what they live unconsciously.

~ Pseudonymous (www.theawakeningself.com)
Click to expand...


We have got to be aware that paranoid people do not like to be forgiven. The impression left on them is that they have to start all over again. They must be helped first, through psychological therapy; even by means of hypnotism to find out what, in the first place, caused them to develop their paranoia.
Ben
 
pseudonymous said:
Was there some experience in your life that has led you to a place of understanding of what forgiveness really means to you? Or is it still a mystery? Years back I had been alone with my mother, who I had had a very emotionally laden love/hate relationship with over the years. I don't remember the topic of the talk, but suddenly it deteriorated into a knock-down drag-out war of words. For the first time in my life I was able to objectify my mother's behavior, and by doing so I was able to see the emotional reaction's inception within my mother's life.

Suddenly through her tears, which had always been how the argument ended between herself and anyone, I saw the little child ~ possible 4 years old ~ sitting on the bed before me. It was not my mother that was arguing with me that night, but an echo of a life changing event that happened in her early childhood. Something had either been said, or some mannerism of mine had triggered the child echo to emerge center stage in our argument.

I had watched her in fascination, because I had realized what we had experienced was not a present moment reality, but the repitition of a long reinforced emotional pattern in her life. It had not been about me, and it had not been about her as an 80 year old woman. It had been about a 4 year old girl that found a defensive mechanism that thwarted whatever was happening to her that day 76 years prior.

I had immediately felt an emormous amount of compassion for her, myself, and everyone else, because I had realized that I had witnessed that much of our lives were fiction, based on events beyond even our conscious memory in some cases. I had immediately understood why I would, and could, forgive anyone not Self aware. You truly cannot be blamed for what you dream. No one wakes the morning after having had weird or odd dreams and blames themselves. And yet they will blame themselves and others for what they live unconsciously.

~ Pseudonymous (www.theawakeningself.com)
Click to expand...

This is so very insightful. Thanks for sharing!

I believe that awareness is a key to many enlightened capacities, including empathy, forgiveness, mercy, compassion, etc. Part of what I try to do is to see the child in all of us (because, as you point out, it never really goes away). I have also found that trying to imagine others they way their mothers might look at them is helpful for expanding compassion - even for the worst behaving among us.

Mercy is the giving of forgiveness (though not condoning), specifically when it is *not* deserved - and this is essential for the world.
 
To have inner peace deep inside my heart, I need to forgive and even ask forgiveness. It's a waste of time holding grudges and your life won't be as peaceful as you think it.
 
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