I was summoned to jury duty this morning. It was my first time. I didn't know what to expect. I was hoping the jury selection would be done in chambers, and potential jurors would be interviewed by attorneys, maybe 3 or 4 interviewers to one jury candidate. Instead, I find everything will be done in a court full of people. There is the judge, at least 3 attorneys, a bailiff, court recorders... There are some spectators also, and quite a few potential jurors (we are asked to answer a roll call, in alphabetical order - lot of names were called). One of the defendants is even present. In all there was probably close to a hundred people in the room. We are told that during questioning, we should stand, state our names, and then answer the questions. I could feel the panic welling up within. I think about bolting a couple of times but my mind overrides the impulse. I feel a little nauseous.
I have several excuses that I plan to present, but I'm not sure how it will come out. Pretty sure my voice will shake, but don't know how bad. Not even sure how coherent the thoughts will be. Excuses: I have a disabled brother at home, high blood pressure, and under certain circumstances, I'm a rather severe social phobic. I might be too nervous in court to even hear the facts of the case. I reckon I might also mention the dysthymic depression, if necessary.
Then things begin to be taken out of my hands. Two of the three cases under consideration are drug related. The questioning attorney asks for hands of those who have issues with drugs, whether personal or through relatives/friends. (I believe he is seeking those who can be impartial in these cases). Several hands come up and they tell their stories. Mine is the last to come up. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, a moment of clarity is given to me. I tell what I have seen, how chronic pain and prescription drugs often turn into something. else, something more serious. Here I'm talking about meth and heroin -- deadly stuff that can completely alter the personality of the user. There is also prescription pill peddling: selling, trading, buying. I've been rubbing shoulders with users for several years now, have seen the manipulation, the lying, the stealing. I have also seen the suffering, which is always there, and the fact that there is no easy answer. Addiction which is both physiological and pyschological is a tough nut to crack.
So I tell the attorney that I've seen too much suffering, that it has all become a huge gray area for me. He questions me further... Essentially can I make an impartial judgement in a drug case. My answer is that I don't know, but it's possible I will go against the state in favor of the defendant. (I actually don't know what I would do, but I'm pretty sure I would be a liability to the case). The attorney looks to the judge, the judge looks to me: "You may be excused". I mumble thanks and leave the courtroom.
I leave, not sure if I have shirked my civic duty or not. Perhaps I am losing the ability to judge other people, perhaps my path will no longer require it. I know some must do the job, but possibly I am no longer one of those people.
Sorry for the long post... This is not really a rant per se, but I had no other place to put it.
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allergies, some are so severe that the person could die.) Tovarish hasn't been to a vet in years due to my inability to drive, and the closest vet is at least a mile away; try to juggle three rambunctious 
