Gentle Religious Humor

Quahom1

Quahom1

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The best kind of humor (when dealing with religion), is the self depreciating kind. Everyone laughs with you.

I am catholic, and my father almost became a priest once upon a time. So I thought this fitting.:D

v/r

Q

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to

temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you! ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then the Rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
 
I've heard that one before. I don't know a better version though. And I call myself a Jew...


Dauer
 
Children And The Bible



The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
 
[size=+1]1.[/size] How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

​
[size=+1]2.[/size] How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

​
[size=+1]3.[/size] How many Armenians does it take to change a light bulb?

All. They need everyone to make sure it stays on. One can never really be sure.

​
[size=+1]4.[/size] How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

Change???

​
[size=+1]5.[/size] How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb?

No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and dark.

​
[size=+1]6.[/size] How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

​
[size=+1]7.[/size] How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

​
[size=+1]8.[/size] How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

​
[size=+1]9.[/size] How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They always use candles.

​
[size=+1]10.[/size] How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

​
[size=+1]11.[/size] How many members of an established fundamental Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?

One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

​
[size=+1]12.[/size] How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. "

​
[size=+1]13.[/size] How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

"What's a light bulb?"

​
[size=+1]14.[/size] How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?

Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

​
[size=+1]15.[/size] How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Subcommittee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which Hardware Store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

-Author unknown

*note.. hope noone is offended by this.. I thought it was cute :)
​
 
And so it goes...


=== PALM SUNDAY ===


It was Palm Sunday and because of a sore throat five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

===CHILDREN'S SERMON===

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

"I know," a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

===MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL===


The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

===JUST CURIOUS===

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

===THE TITHING===

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

===THE BLESSING===

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No, sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"

===WELCOME TO OUR HOME===

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again," the little boy answered.

=== HALF PRICE ===

U.S. Air recently introduced a special half -fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

=== LIFE AFTER DEATH ===

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
 
Moses asks God to explain the kosher laws:

"THOU SHALT NOT SEETHE A KID IN ITS MOTHER'S MILK."

"Does that mean that we should wait six hours between eating meat and drinking milk?"

"THOU SHALT NOT SEETHE A KID IN ITS MOTHER'S MILK."

"Does that mean we should have two sets of dishes?"

"THOU SHALT NOT SEETHE A KID IN ITS MOTHER'S MILK."

"Does that mean we should check the label of everything we buy, and use only those items made with pure vegetable shortening?"

"THOU SHALT NOT SEETHE A KID IN ITS MOTHER'S MILK."

"Does that mean--"

"OKAY, HAVE IT YOUR WAY!"


------------------------one more---------

It was Yom Kippur, and the cantor was chanting the Hineni, the self-depracatory supplication that begins the Musaf Service. Coming to the end of the prayer, the cantor added his own personal cry: "Dear God, Lord of the Universe, I am nothing, nothing, nothing at all!"

Hearing this heartfelt plea, the rabbi added a similar prayer: "I am nothing, Lord, nothing, even less than nothing."

And then a third voice joined in, from the back of the room. It was the shammes, the sexton, who had thrown himself on the floor and was proclaiming: "I, too, am nothing, O Lord, nothing, nothing at all."

Whereupon the rabbi turned to the cantor with a sniff and whispered, "Look who thinks he's a nothing!"
 
Vajradhara said:
Q. why can't a Buddhist vacume the staircase?


A. no attachments.

:cool:
Click to expand...
LOL, I like the double "entendre" to that Vaj...:D

Here is one for practicality...

While hiking together in the mountains, a priest, Rabbi and Minister came upon a glen, wherein they found an old wooden lock box half buried near a tree. When they opened it they found old spanish Dubloons. What to do with this long forgotten money?

The priest suggested scraping a circle in the middle of the glen, then throwing the money into the air. What fell into the circle, would go to God, and what fell out of the circle the three could keep.

The Minister replied that what fell into the circle they divided among themselves and what fell out of the circle would go to God.

Then the Rabbi spoke up. "Forget the circle. We'll just throw the money into the air, and what God wants...(the Rabbi shrugged), He keeps..."

v/r

Q
 


A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were The short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short story.







Good God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it.

v/r

Q
 
Moses, Buddha and Jesus were out fishing...
About an hour out, they run out of bait.
Moses stands up, waves his arm, the lake parts, he walks to shore, gets more bait, walks back, the lake closes, they continue fishing.

About an hour later... yep, out of bait again.
Buddah stands up, walks through the water, since it isn't there anyways, gets bait, and comes back.

About an hour later... no more bait.
Jesus stands up, stands on the water, and .....
sinks like a rock.

Moses jumps in, dives and pulls him out. Shaking his head he says "Bubbe, how many times do I have to tell you?--- remember the holes in your feet!!!"
 
three little kids were sitting around discussing their religions.

one kid said, "i'm jewish, and our symbol is the star of david"

another said "i'm christian, and our symbol is the cross"

the third kid said "well, i'm a unitarian, and our symbol is the coffee pot"
 
kiwimac said:
Why can't a Baha'i live in a cellar?

Because Baha'u'llah says not to "seek a basement"

Kiwimac
Click to expand...
(chuckle whole heartedly)...that was good.

v/r

Q
 
ISFP said:
three little kids were sitting around discussing their religions.

one kid said, "i'm jewish, and our symbol is the star of david"

another said "i'm christian, and our symbol is the cross"

the third kid said "well, i'm a unitarian, and our symbol is the coffee pot"
Click to expand...
LOL, cream anyone? ;)

v/r

Q
 
brucegdc said:
Moses, Buddha and Jesus were out fishing...
About an hour out, they run out of bait.
Moses stands up, waves his arm, the lake parts, he walks to shore, gets more bait, walks back, the lake closes, they continue fishing.

About an hour later... yep, out of bait again.
Buddah stands up, walks through the water, since it isn't there anyways, gets bait, and comes back.

About an hour later... no more bait.
Jesus stands up, stands on the water, and .....
sinks like a rock.

Moses jumps in, dives and pulls him out. Shaking his head he says "Bubbe, how many times do I have to tell you?--- remember the holes in your feet!!!"
Click to expand...
Why is Moses doing Thomas' job? ....:mad: :D

ok, ok, I'm going to bed now.

v/r

Q
 
Why did the Buddhist Monk refuse novicane when having his teeth worked on?

seems he wanted to transcend dental medication.

baddabump:)
 
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker
told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago. He was buried here and
three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance.
 
Quahom1 said:
I am catholic, and my father almost became a priest once upon a time. So I thought this fitting.:D

v/r

Q
Click to expand...
My father was within a couple of months of taking his final vows when he changed his mind. Went back to the States, got married and had six children instead. :cool:
 
The Athiest and the bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards
him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out:
"Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out
of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped
his right paw, sat back on his haunches, brought both paws together, bowed
his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty..."
 
Faithfulservant said:
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped
his right paw, sat back on his haunches, brought both paws together, bowed
his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty..."
Click to expand...
i like that. has me laughing:)
 
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