took the test- thanks, 17th, for letting me know I could put gobbledeegook in the fields- works a treat... regardless...
I am 66% masculine, and 34% feminine...
how does this relate to me in the real world?
In the real world I am also more "male" than "female", so far as "traits" go, and strangers often assume when they meet me that I am a lesbian...
why is this? I wear eyeliner, dye my hair, pluck my eyebrows and shave my legs, yet... you will never see me in a skirt or dress, and you will never see me in anything but converse boots... my hair is short, much like my fingernails... I drink pints of beer... I sit open legged, walk with a cocky swagger, tell smutty jokes, I like participating in physical sports, have great muscle definition...
personality-wise, I am hard, honest, not one for talking about feelings, practical and pragmatic, a doer, I am opinionated, have a fiery temper, take no crap and take no prisoners...
Really though... I grew up in a house with no mother or sisters... my family then, was male dominated, and this is why, as an adult, my friends are usually men, and I spend a lot of my time recreationally, with men...
Because of this, these so-called feminine traits were not impressed upon me by my family or peers, and as a youth while most young girls my age were reading magazines and being imprinted with feminine archetypes and presented with traits to adopt, and going shopping and chasing boys I wasn't.
I went to an all girls school, and there I grew to despise girls. Their falseness, their desire to feel everything, to find love, dressing up games and doing each others hair while cattily bitching about another pal while being scared of insects, etc... balls...
The simple fact was... it appeared boys had more fun. Climbing on the roof, playing football, stealing motorbikes... the girls didn't do these things...
Of course, being a girl surrounded by men, I am aware that at times I consciously decided to be less of a girl so I would be accepted by men as an equal, but it didn't work.
I would not play the girly flirtatious game with them, but of course, that meant I was frigid. I would try to participate in farting competitions, but when I farted louder than everyone else they did not like it- it was wrong, for a girl, they said. Girls did not smell like that- they smelt of flowers. Drinking pints was wrong, not ladylike enough. Being aggressive. Opinionated. Not what I am supposed to be, according to what I am told...
What they wanted was for me to be passive, submissive, timid, fake, so they could play their dominant, aggressive, brave, true cards. What a shock it was to discover I was not a real enough woman...
Eventually it got to the stage where the boys would not play with me anymore, as I was a girl, and the play I wanted wasn't the play they wanted to give me, and the girls didn't want to play with me either, as I was far too boyish.
I spent a good few years wondering if, in fact, I was a dyke. A muff diver. A lezzie. Despised by heterosexual men and women in equal measure. Not because I make bombs or keep kids in sweatshops, but because I had not decided to play the game of heterosexuality. Hideous. And then I found Marilyn French and Germaine Greer, and realised I wasn't a feminine, I was a feminist.
Okay, I wasn't "feminine"; as tradition dicated, I was certainly more "masculine". I certainly didn't want to "be" screwed. I wanted to "do" the screwing. I could happily have also been a lasbian, but the only unfortunate thing was... I just didn't fancy girls. I didn't fancy men either. Or kids. Or farmyard animals. I didn't really feel anything like lust for a person 'til I was about 21.
Now, just like then, I realise the cognitive dissonance gender dysphoria brings is not the fault of the experiencer, but the enviroment.
And after that? Well, I gaze upon beauty everyday. Men, women, it doesn't matter. I still don't want to screw them all; it goes beyond that stirring in the loins, attraction. I admire their beauty, or their intellect, or their determination, but I do not want to possess them, or give them any pleasure, or receive any from them. I am content to simply look and admire, usually. And yes, I like boys and girls. It is not because I am greedy, or because I am not that choosy, but because I have grown beyond such paltry definitions and inane rules.
Instead, I came to realise that men and women are not that different, actually, and most of them bore me rigid. I am not attracted to the majority of men, or women, as they do not impress me. They are not great divine beauties, or inspired intellectuals or fervent saints... they are normals...they play the game, they do not think, or dream, so much, but simply plod along in the grooves which have been etched out in their minds by society and it's conventions...
Most of these so-called differences between people are nothing more than the result of racial, gender, cultural and financial baises, societal constructs which are impressed upon people before they are people and then modelled by these almost-people until they become second nature.
Not truths, but truisms.
Pink for girls, blue for boys. Long hair for girls, short hair for boys. Boys are allowed to get dirty in the park- girls are not. For presents, girls get dolls, and make-up, boys get guns and lab kits.
Emotion-wise, girls are supposed to be more compassionate, while boys are told to be less so. "Don't be a big girl, John, stop crying". Girls, being the weaker sex, can cry if they like, it's only what is expected of them.
"Sugar and spice, and all things nice; that's what little girls are made of.
Spiders and snails, and puppydog's tails, that's what little boys are made of".
Simple conditioning, at it starts from birth. By the time a person is about 25, they are set. Fixed. They will not usually divert that much from their gender and class and cultural scripts. They will eventually become the stereotype they never wanted to be; just like mum or dad, and then die. And that's it.
And as adults... the same game is played. The glass ceiling still exists. There is still a disproportionality of gender in: buisness and politics- most are men, film directing- most are men, nursing- most are women, childcare/primary school teaching: most are women... Most cleaners are women. Mens' sports get far more money than women's. And on it goes.
But in truth... This focus on fixed gender identities does nobody any favours.
Currently, a lot of young men are depressed, but can't talk to their mates, as talking isn't what lads do. Girls, on the other hand, are skewed the other way- is is found that girls who sit around and talk about their problems are far more likely to adopt a victim mentality...
Women are more likely to be diagnosed with depression- men are more likely to be diagnosed as psychotic... men are more likely to be diagnosed as anti-social personality disorder, whilst women are more likely to be classified "borderline personality disorder"...
instead of a simple cluster of symptoms, gender influences some pretty important decisions. Yes, of course, there are some real, true differences between men and women, but they are not that great. A bone or two here and there is different, the odd hormone proportion is different, but these things do not make personality, or even gender.
You do that for yourself, with the assistance and hinderance of your society and culture, family and peers.
Beyond pain, and hunger, all feelings are conditioned responses, not innate. Love, lust, hate; none of them are real, stand-alone concepts. They are conditioned responses, a composite of the myriad associations we have been presented with and modelled until they become "feelings". They do not exist, in themselves, they are ideas. We can grasp those ideas, try to make them our own, dislike people who don't share them, feel friendly with the others who share our opinions, but in truth, they are only opinions... and not even our own...
what is a man, today, or a woman, for that matter? Surely that is an unanswerable question, for to describe "a" man or "a" woman would be to miss out those who were not "men" or "women", as such.
What happens if you feel you're not a man or a woman? What happens if the archetype, for you, is lacking?
You go in for gender reassignment, or you define yourself as gay, as there isn't much else. How silly then, to have such fixed notions about what it is to be a man, or a woman, when in truth being a man or a woman goes beyond genitalia, or which type you like to screw, or whether you cry and feel the need for support, or prefer fighting and competitive sports...
am I a man or a woman? I am human, just like you. And him. And her. And them.
