Is it wrong to tell an aetheist parent that their dead child "is in heaven"?

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Nick the Pilot

Nick the Pilot

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My child is not in heaven: Your religion only makes my grief harder: Losing a newborn is always hard, but grieving as an atheist in a world of believers added loneliness to grief

http://www.salon.com/2015/10/24/please_stop_telling_me_my_daughter_is_in_heaven/

"When I tell people about the death of my infant daughter, they often respond that she is in heaven. They tell me that she is an angel now. They tell me that she’s with God. But as an atheist, these words have never brought me any comfort.

"My daughter was born three years ago. I went into pre-term labor at 22 weeks gestation, and try as they might, the doctors could not keep her here with us. Her short life, just eight hours long, has marked my life and my husband’s life deeply. Margaret Hope (or Maggie, as we refer to her) continues to exist with us in her own way, but this persistence has absolutely nothing to do with god or Jesus or angels or any other specific afterworld. This is what works for us as parents. It’s what works for about two percent of the U.S. population who currently identify as atheists, and for about 20 percent who are agnostic or unaffiliated with any particular set of beliefs.

..."Those around us did their best to offer words of comfort, but after a while, I became tired and even resentful of the comments about my daughter needing to go be with Jesus. Worse still, I isolated myself so I wouldn’t need to hear their “comforting” words because all they did was make me feel worse. Like so many other non-believers, I cannot wrap my head around the idea that there is some supreme being that allows these sorts of things to happen, commands them to happen. Being a bereaved parent is hard enough, but being one when you don’t believe in god is something else altogether."

(cont.)
 
I believe death is a reason a large percentage of believers want to believe....it fulfills a need to hope you and your loved ones have someplace better to go...

In my mind as an agnostic or atheist you should develop a comfort with coming from stardust and returning to worm food...

Not being callous, grief ain't easy, but if it boils down to only science for you...than matter is not lost...
 
As a Hindu we experience similar problems. I'm sure many people do these days as the world is a multi-faith place. Funerals, given we work and play in multi-faith societies, will have differing views at them. I think it is incumbent upon the attendees to know something about the deceased and family's faith and be sensitive to that. One does not have to agree, but surely it's polite to keep your mouth shut. When I attend Christian funerals, I mentally chant my diksa mantra throughout the service, but certainly don't query, "I wonder where _______ will be reborn." at the lunch afterwards. It's just rude.

However, as much as places like this allow for a more global interfaith understanding, there are still many people out there who live within a small paradigm of their own faith and culture, not realising much about the larger world around them. For those people, I find it sad, yet easy to forgive too, because they actually don't know better. Far worse are the ones who purposely use funerals as an opportunity to evangelize. Sorry, but it's just not the right time.
 
People who offer compassion are offering the best way they can and from their best understanding. I would politely accept their offer of comfort and sympathy. After all, navigating in a world inundated with various religions is the norm for the nonreligious...
 
The whole becoming an angel thing is nonsense to me, and I dislike when people talk about people going to heaven and becoming angels. That being said I try not to hold it against them when they are trying to be sympathetic. IMO it is the intention that counts, they want you to be ok, and ease your grieving. I do think our way is best, to wish someone ease and peace in their grieving, but realize that some people need more.
 
Best words I've ever found for those going thru a loss..... "When someone you treasure becomes a memory, your memories become a treasure..."
 
EdgyDolmen said:
People who offer compassion are offering the best way they can and from their best understanding. I would politely accept their offer of comfort and sympathy. After all, navigating in a world inundated with various religions is the norm for the nonreligious...
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That's true, but there are just so many ways to offer compassion without throwing religion into it. "I'm so sorry for your loss," accompanied by a hug or gentle touch does it. It's just so tough to grieve for some people without having religion thrown at them. My father (atheist) would have told people off if they told him Mom was going to heaven. When my father passed, the evangelical leaning neighbour said this to me. "I had fond memories of your dad. he seemed to enjoy life." That cheered me up two ways ... what she said, and the fact I knew she avoided the religion thing because she knew of my faith and my Dad's.
 
Re: #7

Senthil - You had a very diplomatic neighbor. Unfortunately religion doesn't teach much diplomacy.

I too say, "I am sorry for your loss" but truth is everyone is not that diplomatic. They say too much. I recognize their ignorance. Certainly that individuals ignorance can't influence my search for peace.
 
Upon further reflection ... funerals are almost a different world entirely. You see the best of people and the worst of people. When grieving, things just aren't 'normal'. On a personal level, I'm rarely affected, (I've been accused of being cold) but obviously many people are really affected. It's those people that I think need someone to speak for them.
 
I see people often fake compassion when they don't really feel it, and religious and spiritual types are particularly susceptible. It's a pro-social thing, ultimately, I believe, but often, results in trite soundbites that could be considered mildly offensive.

"S/he's with the angels now", "God only takes the ones he wants", "It must be part of God's plan", "Be happy they're at peace", et cetera.

But shucks. At least they're attempting to soothe you. Nobody really wants to hear about your dead kid, or your dead husband, and how the bottom has fell out of your world and everything feels pretty pointless and bleak and cold. People don't want to sit and grieve with you. You hear somebody has died, and you try to avoid the bereaved. If it's a social occasion, you want a fun time, some entertainment, a catch up, a giggle: you don't want people crying and dripping snot everywhere. Yes, it's terrible, to be bereaved, and the closer they are the more it hurts to lose them, but most of us know just how it feels. Being too empathetic could rip the scabs from our own deep wounds, and maybe we don't want to revisit our own bottomless pit. So we throw out the meaningless one-liners and we quickly say goodnight.
 
Nick the Pilot said:
Being a bereaved parent is hard enough, but being one when you don’t believe in god is something else altogether."
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I wish I could understand this comment better. Would you be willing to explain more about it being "something else altogether"? Are you simply saying that those who believe at least have a crutch to help them along where you do not? Is grieving much harder if one doesn't believe there is anything beyond here?
 
DA,

The idea is, the parent is grieving because of the death of their child. They also have to put up with obnoxious proselytizing. So, to put up with both of these at the same time is a kind of "double-whammy".
 
Ah. Thanks for the clarification. Wish I had some sage advice to offer; there don't seem to be too many options. People are very uncomfortable talking about death, particularly the death of a loved one, even if it is someone else's loved one. They don't want to think about it so there is no effort made to come up with a coherent statement and they fall back on platitudes. Depending on where you live in the world, the power of religious thought can be stronger or weaker - much more likely to hear a 'in God's hands' in the American south than in the Northeast.

I suppose the only comment I can offer is that obnoxious or not, their statements are meant to be comforting and you can try to accept that they mean well. Which isn't very much help I know because when you are already rubbed raw at your loss, any comments that are likely to irritate are like salt in an open wound, no matter the intention was well meant.
 
I'm probably going to make some unpopular statements here, but it's what I feel in my heart so let the chips fall where they may.

As to the question, "Is it wrong to tell an atheist parent that their dead child is in heaven?" To me there's no question. Offering condolence is the right thing to do and should be received in the spirit in which it is given regardless of whether or not you agree with the sentiment expressed.

That said, if you know the person you're expressing condolence to is atheist, you've got to realize Godly sentiments will fall on deaf ears. Save your breath. Perhaps something along the lines of, I know you don't believe as I do, but if there's anything I can do, would be more appropriate.

Now here's where I'm going to ruffle a few feathers. Actually, I find the whole situation rather ironic. Here's a baby born with seemingly no medical chance at survival. Yet, the parents, by rejecting God have completely disallowed the one thing that may have enabled their child to survive. Prayer to the almighty! It's almost as if God was given them one last chance to see the light and they yet again failed to see it. The way I see it, how merciful God is having spared an innocent from growing up in a Godless home.
 
If someone wants to make a response be rude they will take it that way. If an Atheist wanted to feel as if they were treated wrong in this scenario, he could both gripe that someone isn't taking his lack of belief seriously, or conversely if they didn't say that the child were in heaven, they would always take it to mean their child isn't worthy of going to heaven and is being condemned on his beliefs... (I'm not sure if this is as clear as I am intending to, so my apologies if it is muddled)
 
This situation could have gone in any direction. It's not just atheists than can get insulted by a different world view presented to them at an awkward moment. Back in the day before I learned to shut my mouth, I insulted my share of Christians.
 
Aussie Thoughts said:
The way I see it, how merciful God is having spared an innocent from growing up in a Godless home.
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Yep you're right. I take massive offense. This is the kind of comment that makes me detest christians. You're morally superior attitude is a sham, and you have just proven it here for all to see. As if your god, if it even existed, would take a child from an atheist couple on purpose. It is a disgusting comment, and I'm shocked that you would say it. You have always seemed like a straight talker to me, and not afraid to ruffle feathers. But this statement is beyond straight talk. It is cruel and heartless. You should be ashamed of it.
 
Re #14 (Aussie)

Your statement is both ignorant and ...(comment edited)
 
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