17th Angel
לבעוט את התחת ולקחת שמות
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Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...
- Thread starter AletheiaRivers
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T
Tao_Equus
Guest
This guy, George, is sightseeing in New York and goes up to the top of the Empire State Building. There he see's these 2 guys at the edge, and as he walks toward them one of them takes a leap and jumps off. George is mortified and runs over to the remaining guy shouting why did'nt you stop him!! The guy looks calmly at George without speaking and suddenly the guy who jumped sails back up over the edge of the building and lands exactly where he had started.
George's jaw drops open and he half stutters, 'how the hell did you do that'? The guy says 'its easy, flying is a synch, its all in the mind. Just dont think about hitting the bottom and flap your arms like a bird and you come straight back up whenever you want'
George says 'no way.... you'r pulling my leg'
The guy says...'watch then' And again he jumps off. george watches as he sails down several 100 feet and see's him flap his arms and come sailing back up.
'Wow' says George 'thats incredible!! can anyone do that... I have always dreamt I could fly?'
The guy says 'Yes....just dont think about hitting the bottom, and flap when you want to come back up and you can do it too'.
George looks at the guy, and see's a kindly man whom he can trust and thinks to himself... well I seen him do it.
'Ok then' says George, 'I'm gona do it!!'
'Just remember dont think about the bottom' says the jumper.
And off George jumps.
He sails down 200ft thinking this the greatest experience of his life but then doubt begins to creep in and he flaps his arms. Nothing happens, he keeps hurtling toward the street below.
He flaps agian and again, still nothing happens and the ground comes rushing toward him....SPLAT
The guy who had not spoken turns toward the jumper and says...
'Gabrial...for an angel your one helluva b*****d'.
George's jaw drops open and he half stutters, 'how the hell did you do that'? The guy says 'its easy, flying is a synch, its all in the mind. Just dont think about hitting the bottom and flap your arms like a bird and you come straight back up whenever you want'
George says 'no way.... you'r pulling my leg'
The guy says...'watch then' And again he jumps off. george watches as he sails down several 100 feet and see's him flap his arms and come sailing back up.
'Wow' says George 'thats incredible!! can anyone do that... I have always dreamt I could fly?'
The guy says 'Yes....just dont think about hitting the bottom, and flap when you want to come back up and you can do it too'.
George looks at the guy, and see's a kindly man whom he can trust and thinks to himself... well I seen him do it.
'Ok then' says George, 'I'm gona do it!!'
'Just remember dont think about the bottom' says the jumper.
And off George jumps.
He sails down 200ft thinking this the greatest experience of his life but then doubt begins to creep in and he flaps his arms. Nothing happens, he keeps hurtling toward the street below.
He flaps agian and again, still nothing happens and the ground comes rushing toward him....SPLAT
The guy who had not spoken turns toward the jumper and says...
'Gabrial...for an angel your one helluva b*****d'.
2 funny, I always heard this with the flyer talking about updraft and the updraft just pushing you back onto the ledge...and the protaganist was always Superman. Odds are the original version was with Gabriel...or some early flying G-d and the tower of Babel or something...told around campfires couple thousand years ago...along with camel jokes...
T
Tao_Equus
Guest
Lol probabably right there Wil. I think its the 2nd oldest joke in my head, heard it when I was about 8.
Here is the oldest one:
There is this English traveling salesman and he stops over at this guest house for the night. He climbs into bed and is just starting to drift off to sleep when he hears this weird noise. It goes Pitterpatter ffffffffff ffffffffff pitterpatter fffffffffff ffffffffff.
The Englishman get up and puts the light on, looks around but can see no cause for the noise. So he gets back into bed. Again just as he is about to drop off to sleep it starts again... pitterpatter ffffffffff fffffffffffffff pitterpatter ffffffffff ffffffffffffff
The Englishman convinced the room is haunted goes and sleeps in his car.
Repeat the same for a Scotsman.
The 3rd night and Irishman takes the room and surely just as he drifts off he hears this noise pitterpatter fffffffff fffffffff pitterpatter fffffffff fffffffff
The Irishman switches on the light and spot a little mouse running along the radiator pipe, pitterpatter, blowing his paws to cool them ever few steps, fffffffff fffffff
(of course this joke better if told with sound effects.)
TE
speakin of old jokes
wil posts
Where do the Polish keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud.
A blond walks into a bar,
and says "ouch".
wil posts
Where do the Polish keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud.
A blond walks into a bar,
and says "ouch".
seattlegal
Mercuræn Buddhist
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN!
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!! "No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why","Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!! "No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why","Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
Jack Halyard
Hermano Pequeño
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
pattimax
Somewhat returning
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper that sold his soul to santa?
Jack Halyard
Hermano Pequeño
And the dyslexic insomniac agnostic who laid awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
Whatta joke, everyone knows that Haliburton of Dubai has a no bid contract agreement for maintenance of that fence and in concert with the rules of the Davis/Bacon wage act and travel expenses for oversight the actual cost will be 1.4 million dollars...and they'll use the same contractor (no government official only charges $1k it is against union rules and there is never only one to pay....Jefferson and Abramof are still involved)
So funny Jack....$2,700....hehe
if one looked at a joke email family tree...you'd find that in order for both you and Jack to get the email it probably went to well over a million people!!...and you and Jack's email were probably about 5th cousins 6 times removed with a distant common ancestor....No, what's funny is I sent that out from a NASA employee six weeks ago, and Jack brings it here...six degrees of Kevin Bacon I suppose...
But if it came from NASA forget that 1.4 million, change it 2.7 million, we don't have to pay Jefferson or Abramoff but we do have to have money in for the Area 57 fund.
Over a month since our last joke?? Now that is just ridiculous!
So a guy comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey the light in the hall isn't working, I replaced the bulb, I think it is the switch" He says "Do I look like an electrician, heck I just came home from work, call someone to fix it"
A little later she says the faucet in the upstairs sink won't shut off, it has been dripping for days, "Do I look like a plumber, I'm watchin the news"
She starts to say something about some shingles she noticed in the backyard but she barely go the word shingle out and he said "Do I look like a roofer??"
So the next day he gets home and as he drives up he notices some new shingles on the roof, and when he hangs up his coat the light works, and he goes to wash his hands and the faucet doesn't drip...
"Wow, you got everything fixed. How much did that cost me?" "Nothing" his wife says, "The new guy Bob that moved in next door took care of everything while he was waiting for the moving van. He just said, sex or bake him a cake"
As he walks down the hall he asks, "What kind of cake did you bake him?"
"Now do I look like Betty Crocker?"
So a guy comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey the light in the hall isn't working, I replaced the bulb, I think it is the switch" He says "Do I look like an electrician, heck I just came home from work, call someone to fix it"
A little later she says the faucet in the upstairs sink won't shut off, it has been dripping for days, "Do I look like a plumber, I'm watchin the news"
She starts to say something about some shingles she noticed in the backyard but she barely go the word shingle out and he said "Do I look like a roofer??"
So the next day he gets home and as he drives up he notices some new shingles on the roof, and when he hangs up his coat the light works, and he goes to wash his hands and the faucet doesn't drip...
"Wow, you got everything fixed. How much did that cost me?" "Nothing" his wife says, "The new guy Bob that moved in next door took care of everything while he was waiting for the moving van. He just said, sex or bake him a cake"
As he walks down the hall he asks, "What kind of cake did you bake him?"
"Now do I look like Betty Crocker?"
flowperson
Oannes
wil...a real classic...
Jack Halyard
Hermano Pequeño
MOSES & THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got
to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got
to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Jack Halyard
Hermano Pequeño
Two Women Meet In Heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I 'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds . I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ we'd both still be alive today.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I 'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds . I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ we'd both still be alive today.
Muslimwoman
Coexistence insha'Allah
Islamic humour:
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
17th Angel
לבעוט את התחת ולקחת שמות
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My sister just emailed me this lol.......
A Koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint, when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says;"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The Koala says "Smoking some weed come up and have some!"
So the little lizard climbs up and sits down by the Koala and smokes a few... After awhile he turns to the Koala and says; "My mouth is very 'dry' and I am going to get a drink from the river...." He goes off too the river but being so stoned when leaning to drink he fell into the river..
A passing crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks; "what's the matter with you??"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree got too stoned and then came here for a drink and fell into the river...
So! The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest following the smoke to the tree where the koala is sitting smoking another joint... Looking up the crocodile said "Hey you!"
The koala slowly turns around and looks down at this big crocodile with a moments pause he then replies: "f*** dude, how much water did you drink???"
A Koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint, when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says;"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The Koala says "Smoking some weed come up and have some!"
So the little lizard climbs up and sits down by the Koala and smokes a few... After awhile he turns to the Koala and says; "My mouth is very 'dry' and I am going to get a drink from the river...." He goes off too the river but being so stoned when leaning to drink he fell into the river..
A passing crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks; "what's the matter with you??"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree got too stoned and then came here for a drink and fell into the river...
So! The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest following the smoke to the tree where the koala is sitting smoking another joint... Looking up the crocodile said "Hey you!"
The koala slowly turns around and looks down at this big crocodile with a moments pause he then replies: "f*** dude, how much water did you drink???"
Dondi
Well-Known Member
BUBBA'S PROBLEM
Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Bubba gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know Preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."
Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Bubba gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know Preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."