Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

Snoopy said:
A woman asks a Zen Master "Is there life after death?"

The Zen Master replies "How should I know?"

The woman responds indignantly "Because you're a Zen Master!!"

"Yes," says the Zen Master, "but not a dead one."


s.
Click to expand...

:D

These jokes only make sense in Spanish:

Que pasa? Ciruela!
Que onda? Oceano!
Que es eso? Queso!

Ciruela pasa = prune... que pasa? = lit. what's passing?
Oceano onda = the ocean is waving... que onda = lit. what's waving?

Both que pasa and que onda are used as "What's up?"

Queso = cheese... que es eso = what is that?
 
Q. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The cypress tree in the courtyard.






s.
 
Snoopy said:
Q. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The cypress tree in the courtyard.






s.
Click to expand...
Not the way I heard it. I thought none were required because they already had the inner light...
 
From an avatar (I don't recall where) for zephyrofgod: "Our pillow, full of drool, Serta be thy name"

From a reply on BRPS (Bad Role Players Suck) concerning a technomage character (Mage: The Ascention published by White Wolf) who didn't know binary: "Okay carry the one, zero zero one one zero -- OH G!D STOP THE MISSILES. I JUST WANTED TO CHECK MY EMAIL." - mercuriazs

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 
2 guys are walking through an alley at night when a mugger comes out with a knife and shouts: "give me all your money!"

One of the guys takes out his wallet, hands the money to his friend and says: "Here's that $20 I owe ya Bob..."
 
I saw this on Behind the Name.com (a name etymology site I belong to.) Those who are owned by :kitty:s will especially appreciate it.
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Recently Foodgiver, Nicelady, and I have been discussing religion a bit. I found that they are woefully ignorant of the major cat religions even though they are fairly well versed in human religions.

I wonder if other humans are as inadequately informed as my pets are, so I'm offering this as a simple introduction. This is not all-encompassing, but it is a good primer.

I'm not sure how to organize these, so I'll start with the more common religions and then branch out from there.

Chewdaism This is one of the oldest religions. It holds that cats are God's chosen species and are waiting for the Mewssiah to come and lead them to take possession of the Promised Sandbox in the Middle East.

Catsian The Catsian religions hold that the Mewssiah has already come. Rather than leading cats to a Promised Sandbox somewhere on earth, the Promised Sandbox is a reward in the next life. It also holds that all species are precious to God.

Here are a few of the major Catsian religions.

Catolic This is what I am, and it is the oldest of the Catsian religions. It holds that the Mewssiah asked some of his followers to continue to lead and teach while he's away preparing cat beds for us in the next life. The leader of the Catolic Church is The Potato.

American Cattist American Cattists believe in soul freedom: the idea that all cats are free to determine their own paths in life as long as they adhere to the teachings of the Mewssiah.

Southern Cattist Southern Cattists believe in following the recorded teachings of the Mewssiah in a very fundamental way; however, the teachings are open to interpretation and can lead to scandal when the leaders of the Southern Cattist Conference seem to show favoritism in their interpretation. Who can forget when they said that Garfield had not committed the sins of gluttony and sloth?

Mewslim Mewslims believe that God provided a revelation to his prophet Mewhammad about one thousand years ago because his teachings had become confused. Mewhammad was told to bring all cats together again in one religion.

Bootsism Sidcatha was the cat of a very rich family, and he was supremely spoiled; however, one day after getting outside despite his family's attempts to keep him inside, he saw three sights that made him realize that the world was much more than just being spoiled. He changed his name to Bootsa and began teaching the importance of the Litter Path, which is about balance in a cat's life.

Maoism Originally from Asia, this religion teaches that cats need to find balance with each other and nature, which is managed through moderation, compassion, and humility. If you know cats at all, you can see why this can be a very hard doctrine for us to adhere to.

Morrisism Begun in America, this religion was founded by Jaguar Smith, Junior, after he claimed to have been visited by the angel Morrissey. Morrissey said that the Promised Sandbox was not in the Middle East but in America; Jaguar Smith gathered up some of his followers and began traveling across the North American continent. Cats being what they are, they eventually settled in the first desert they came to and called it the Promised Sandbox.

Wickittenism Wickittenism is a nature-based religion. Its followers believe in a pantheistic godhead, usually a god (traditionally the Horned Tom) and a goddess (traditionally the Triple Queen). They believe in communing with nature through the use of magic and other rituals.

Cattite Cattites believe that cats have become too dependent upon humans and human technologies. The first Cattites specifically protested can openers and cans of gooshy food which made cats lazy and less likely to hunt. Of course, many Cattites abandoned the movement when they actually tasted gooshy food for the first time.

Catsatru Followers of Catsatru believe that cats are a superior species and must follow the old gods who most favored cats, usually the Egyptian pantheon. Most followers use Catsatru as a way of showing pride in their species, but there are some on the fringe who are cat supremacists and feel that inferior animal species must be eliminated, which would mean the elimination of dogs, hamsters, gerbils, fish, humans, primates, marsupials, invertebrates, etcetera. Basically, anything not a cat.

This is just a brief introduction to the many and varied cat religions. Also, keep in mind, many cats follow the same religion in different ways as I demonstrated with the Catsian religions. If you wish to know more, speak to your local cat or read one of the many books on cat religions available at your local library or pet supply store.

Catheist Catheists believe that there is no higher power than cats.

Catnostic Catnostics believe that there is no higher power than cats but are willing to be persuaded if the evidence is presented.

Teosinte Zea Mays
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You can find the original on the cat's Facebook (yes, the OP is a cat and he has a Facebook account. :rolleyes:)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called
Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed
up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any
worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo &
behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark
boring & lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends & bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a
prawn cocktail - it's much worse. ) Looking around the gathering at the
reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he
asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy & became a shark",came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on
the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me
again."
Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian"
 
Someone might of done this one...But what the heck anyway.

1. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
2. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
3. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
4. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
5. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
6. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
7. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
8. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
9. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
10. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
11. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
12. Definition of a will: A dead give away.
13. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
14. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
15. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
17. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
18. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
19. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
20. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
21. Every calendar's days are numbered.
22. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
23. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
24. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
25. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen em mall.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
You know that Moses' and his wife separated, which is a bit of a mystery. They say that later they got back together. Guess what she said to him when they met? (answer in white, highlight to read)

Is that Manna in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
 
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the
man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
 
You might be from New Jersey, USA if your computer says 'illegal operation' and you turn yourself in.
 
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. When he
comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would
be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and
Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's
centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered. 'He's gonna be a politician!'
 
I found this quite amusing (from icanhascheezburger.com)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 

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