Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

Azure24

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I just though i'd revive this thread for a little while to post some of my own.
i apologize in advance if you've heard some of these before. Ok here goes....

1) A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"


2) A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


4) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


5) It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"

6) A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."


7) The minister stood in front of the congregation and pleaded for generous donations to fix the church roof that was leaking badly.
The minister then said, "The donor who gives the most will be able to pick their two favorite hymns."
The collection was taken. A $500 bill was discovered and the minister asked who had given that substantial amount.
A sprightly woman raised her hand. The minister asked her which two hymns she wanted. She stood, smiled and pointed to one man in the back and another in the row behind her saying, "I'll take him and him."


8)A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

and my favourite.........

9) A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."



 

Jack Halyard

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THE PREACHER'S SON: The choice in life

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress!"
 

flowperson

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Jack...Good to have you sittin' here around the cracker barrel. I never hear any jokes worth spit except for the ones posted here. I believe that you could have added a few more deadly sins to the joke, but it works as it is .

A big thanks to wil and Dauer BTW for posting some excellent comedy clips the last couple of days. OF shut ins need the diversions of laughter now and then. :D:D:D:D

flow....
 

wil

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recv'd this email alert before, looks like despite all the press they are still getting away with this!


[FONT=&quot]Home Depot Alert [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowes. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]You agree and they get in the back seat. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. [/FONT]
 

Quahom1

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...
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress!"

Nuts! Did I screw that one up...I had to go and become a Coast Guardman...:rolleyes::cool:
 

Quahom1

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A SAILOR'S CHRISTMAS


'Twas the night before Christmas, compartments were still, the Sailors were sleeping, as most Sailors will. The ditty bags hung by the lockers with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The men were all peacefully dreaming in bed as visions of liberty danced in each head. The Chief in his skivvies, hopped into his rack, having just came from town and a quick midnight snack.

When out on the deck there arose such a roar, I ran to the porthole to find out the score. I stuck out my head and started to shout, "Just what in the world is this noise all about?"

A moon made for boondocking showed with a glow, it was downright cold out, 'bout seven below.

What I saw out there looked like those Mardi Gras floats, 'Twas a Captain's gig drawn by four white Navy goats.

In the boat was a man who seemed quiet and moody, I knew in an instant St. Nick had the duty. As quickly as Monday his billy goats came, He whistled and shouted and called them by name. "Now Perry, now Farragut, Dewey and Jones, What's the matter John Paul, got lead in your bones? A little to starb'rd, now hold it up short, no fluffing off now, or you'll go on report!"

He was wearing dress "Reds" that fit like a charm, his hash marks they covered the length of his arm. The gifts to be issued were all in his pack, the gedunk was ready to leave on each rack. His eyes they were watering, his nose caked with ice, he wiped it with canvass, then sneezed once or twice. He opened his mouth and started to yawn, It looked like the Sun coming up with the dawn.

The stump of a pip, he held tight in his teeth, and took a small nip from a bottle beneath. He wasn't so bit, but he must have been strong, I figured he'd been in SEALS eary and long.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old Tar, Who said "Evenin' Matey, here have a cigar." He filled every seabag with presents galore, And left us all leave papers, right by the door.

With "Anchors Aweigh" he climbed back into place, a broad smile was creeping all over his face. One look at his chronograph cause him to frown, "This mid watch is certainly getting me down." Then out to the breakwater and into the night, The gig started fading, the landscape was bright.

"Merry Christmas" he said, as he sailed on his way, Now I'll finish my rounds and sack in for the day."
But then o're the horizon was heard orders clear in intent, "I'll stop at the chapel first, to reflect this day's meant...you salts do the same..."
Admiral sent
 
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greymare

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Excellent Q . good job.

I have a joke. but its a visual one so you have to bear with me. K?

Why did god make the crack in our bum cheeks go up and down
and not side by side. .......
so when we go down a slippery slide., we dont go bump bump bump (visually, this is done by putting your fingers across your lips and wigggling them up a;nd do;wn while humming. Youll get it ) LOL
 
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Picture this: You're riding a horse. To your immediate right is a sheer drop, directly opposite of you on your left is an elephant running the same speed as your horse. In front of you is a kangaroo who you can never seem to overtake, and chasing you from behind is a tiger who you can't seem to outrun. What should you do to extricate yourself from this dangerous situation?
...
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Get your drunk ass of the merry-go-round!

Chris
 

chakraman

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if you want to know if you are a man or woman look down!
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not here stupid! hehehe...:p
 

Jack Halyard

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
 

Saltmeister

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Here's a joke (well it's got a number of variations, but all based on the same theme) that I was told when I was a kid. I can't remember the exact story, so I did a search. Here's the variation that's closest to the one I was told. You might, actually, have heard this one before.

Warning: I left the swear-words uncensored just for the shock value.:D

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A certain family was expecting visitors... - jokeornot.com
A certain family was expecting visitors (the so called "men of God")

When the dad was dressing, he encountered some difficulty putting on his coat and cursed saying "f-uck."

little Johny who was nearby didnt hesitate to ask the meaning of the new vocabulary.

The dad feeling embarrased decided to lie "it means dressing."

Little Johny went away to the kitchen to check on his mum.

While the mother was cooking, she nearly burned her fingers handling a hot stove, and screamed out, "s-hit!"

He enquired the meaning of this and she told him that it meant food.

Little Johny thought that the day was O.K. since he was learning new words.

After dressing Johny went to the dining room where his mum was setting the table.

A knock at the door startled them and the mum cursed saying "s-hit the bastards are here."

Since Johny knew the meaning of s-hit, he asked the meaning of bastards and the mum told him that it meant visitors then rushed to dress.

Johny went to open the door and welcomed the visitors.

trying to impress the visitors with his new vocabularies, he said "Welcome bastards, the s-hit is on the table and mum and dad are f-ucking upstairs."


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There are some other variations of the joke around.

Nasty Jokes: The Innocent Little Boy

Jokes - Neo-Geo Forums
 

Saltmeister

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Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
The first koala fell on top of him.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was holding onto the first koala

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure

Why did the kangaroo die?
Because 3 koalas fell on it.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was doing a koala impression.

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game

Why did the tree fall over?
It thought it was a koala!!
 

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

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This is from BRPS (Bad Roleplayers Suck), a rant community on Live Journal. The original poster's moniker is beardedtroll (no, it's not me.)
**********************************************************

GM: Okay, we're all here, so we can start the game. Now, what
characters have you come... If you could just turn off your phones for
now? ... Could you please turn off your phones? ... Excuse me,
but could ... TURN OF THE DAMNED PHONES BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU ALL AND
SELL YOUR ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET! ... Thank you. As I was
saying, we're about ready to start, so if you could tell me your
characters?

Player 1: I'm playing Black Beauty.

GM: Um...

Player 2: What? You can't play Black Beauty. I'm playing Black
Beauty.

Player 1: Oh yeah? Well, I thought of it first so I'm playing
Black Beauty.

GM: I'm sure we can work something...

Player 3: Actually, my character is the real Black Beauty. If
you two want to play characters who think they are Black
Beauty, that's fine with me; my character will just think they've
escaped from an asylum or something.

GM: Um... Horses don't have asylums in this game, Player 3.

Player 1, in the background: Oh yeah?
Player 2, also in the background: Yeah!

Player 4: They don't? Damned, then I have to rework my characters
bacground.

Player 3, in the background: I'm playing the real one.

GM: ... Okay, I'll let you work on that. Err, Player 5. ... You're
not playing Black Beauty too, are you?

Player 5: No, I'm playing a human rider!

GM: Oh, good! We need those.

Player 5: She's Monaco Hilton, Paris' more glamorous sister.

Player 1, still in the bacground: Oh yeah?
Player 2, ditto: Yeah, really
Player 3, likewise: No, I'm the really one.

GM: I'm in hell.

Player 4: Okay, I'm done!

GM: If you're playing Black Beauty too I'll kill you.

Player 4: Huh? No, I'm playing a donkey.

GM: A donkey?

Player 4: Yeah! An army donkey. He's a veteran of the Vietnam war and
have violent flashbacks and a drug addiction!

Player 2, to GM: I'm the one playing Black Beauty, right?

Player 3: She doen't get to play the real Black Beauty!

Player 1: I made my character first!

Player 3: We made them at the same time, but I'm playing the real
Black Beauty because I'm the better player!

Player 5: I didn't put any points into riding. I know the rules say
you have to, but I figured that my character could have a chauffeur
who does all the riding for her, right?

Player 2: If I'm not playing Black Beauty, I'm not playing!

Player 1: Bye!

Player 3: I told you, your character can think she's Black
Beauty.

Player 4: Donkeys can use guns, right? I mean, if they're been in the
army? The can hold them in their teeth, and pull the trigger with
their tongue, right?

...

GM: Hey, it's me. No, the game sort of collapsed. No, I'm just sitting
at home watching TV right now. Say, what's the street price of
pancreas these days?

**********************************************************
Sorry for the c/p job :eek: (as you can see, it's rather long.) The original thread is rather, um, "ranty". :eek:

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 

Snoopy

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A woman asks a Zen Master "Is there life after death?"

The Zen Master replies "How should I know?"

The woman responds indignantly "Because you're a Zen Master!!"

"Yes," says the Zen Master, "but not a dead one."


s.
 
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