Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

< Stares blankly at screen, head cocked slightly in attempt to rack brain for understanding. Eventually adds Urban Slang Dictionary to Favorites, coming away with a new understanding. Makes mental note to remember that kids have left home, so one needs to work at staying in the language loop :D>
 
I think you will find it is an "English thing"... lol

Chav = majority of our youth... :D

Useless, jobless, education-less… They like to swear, spit, fight, insult, tend to wear tracksuits and burberry… Mostly Burberry baseball caps and scarves. Love to drink white lightning (cider) or the cheapest thing next to that… They tend to dwell in the “poorer” areas… It is the new “in” thing of most youth… I wish their demise, quicker than it is happening. Look up ASBO in a dictionary… There you have a chav heh… For those who can tolerate foul language… ChavScum.co.uk shows these people… In all their, ‘glory’.

Tend to move in "herds". Meaning they have saftey in numbers, even though they are all mouth and cowards... I have confronted them a fair few times on my journeys to the city... The foul behaviour and language they tend to throw out people... One ederly man they were very rude to.. I confronted the ten of them and their tails tucked firmly between their tails.
 
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado and when we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment and then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
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Girl with no arms and legs at the beach...Sandy
Girl with one leg shorter than the other...Ilene
Guy with no arms and legs in the water...Bob
Guy with no arms and legs hanging on the wall...Art
Guy with no arms and legs in front of the door...Matt
Guy with no arms and legs in a kettle...Stew
(etc...)
 
YO-ELEVEN-11 said:
Top Ten Reason GOD Created Eve


10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, &quot;I can do better than that.&quot;
Click to expand...

Aleternativly- Why did God make Eve second? He didn't want someone looking over His shoulder and telling him what to do while He was making Adam...
 
pfw said:
Aleternativly- Why did God make Eve second? He didn't want someone looking over His shoulder and telling him what to do while He was making Adam...
Click to expand...

:D:D Notice that G-d waits until Adam has named all the animals before creating Eve?
 
Two blondes walk into a bar, you'd have thought one of 'em would have seen it. OR; And Englishman, Irishman and scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says;'What is this, some kind of joke?' (groans all round) OR a Rabbi finishes his prays with this heart felt plea;'please Lord, help me. I sent my son to Isreal so he could find his Jewish roots and he came back converted to Christianity.' Much to the Rabbi's surprise God opens up the Heavens and speaks to him with the words;'Tell me about it, same thing happend to me...'
 
Why Men are Rarely Published in Dear Abby
------------
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive.
Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car 'round the corner.
Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I
should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth,
but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could
get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley,
that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Bob
 
Why Men Are Just Happier People

Subject: Why Men Are Happy
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays
put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never
be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can
wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more
pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your
own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs
of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle
lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and
neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides
your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can
"do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
 
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their

lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit

him every day.



"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our

lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many

years.

Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know

you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's

baseball in Heaven."



Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my

best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do

for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.



It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he

is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out

to him, "Moe... Moe..."



"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"



"Moe, it's me, Sam."



"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."



"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"



"Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?"



"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really

good news and a little bad news."



"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.



"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven.

Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.

Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring

time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play

baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"



"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest

dreams!

But, what's the bad news?"



"You're pitching Tuesday."

​
 
Conversations regarding the Muslim toilets and the size limits of Kingdom Halls somehow caused me to remember this joke I heard told by an Australian motivational speaker once....and in the process of looking for it...I found another tidbit of info I hadn't heard before...

An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C.", being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.




Dear Madame, I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.
It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.
The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.
My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.
If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
[the schoolmaster]

-----------------

This is the joke that caused the old "Tonight Show" host Jack Paar to resign. He read it on his show and the producers cut it out. He objected to the "censorship", made a speech at the beginning of his show as it aired that night and walked off. Hugh Downs was his sidekick. The applause lasted for many minutes but Paar was gone for good.

We'll, not quite. It turns out that Jack was "off the air" for only a month.
 
wil, how funny!

Acoustically, the place is excellent.
Click to expand...

I remember my old high school choir days--the poor teacher, I think, had trouble relating to the times and the kids in general. He struck me as a fairly frustated man with bigger dreams. Anyway, he was often absent from the classroom, probably off trying to find something more important to his way of thinking, so things were rather wild there. There were four of us girls who took off for the "water closet" almost every day, where the acoustics were indeed very nice, and we had quite a little quartet going (come on, now--with our voices, okay?:p) One day, he burst in, thinking he would catch us smoking pot or something. Just so happens, that particular day, we were singing Neil Young's "Heart of Gold". He was so surprised and pleased that he featured us in the Spring Program!

Oh yeah--and when I used to play around with my children's toy tape recorder, I took it into the bathroom and sat on the floor to sing because, like you said...the acoustics....:D

Oh, well--back to the jokes....

InPeace,
InLove
 
Back in Frat days at university, the brothers would sit on the wc seats and each would hum tones until the resonant harmonics of their stalls would kick in. Some crazy harmonics, especially on a Friday night/ Saturday morning.

flow....;)
 
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days.
You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that he got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.


Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
 
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Father lines up his three sons. "One of you pushed outhouse over two nights ago. Which of you did it?"



"Not me" "not me!" "Not me!!!"


"Come on, I promise not to punish you. Who did it?"


"Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!"


"Let me tell you story of great American hero, George Washington. When he was a boy, he chopped down a cherry tree. His father came to him and asked, 'George, did you chop down that cherry tree?' 'I cannot tell a lie, father, I chopped down the cherry tree,' said little George. 'You should not have done that, but since you told the truth, I will not punish you.' And George Washington grew up to be President of the United States!"


"Now I ask you. Who pushed outhouse over?"


"Not me!" "Not me!" "I cannot tell a lie, father, I pushed the outhouse over."


"!@#$%!!!" (The father wups up on the son who pushed the outhouse over.)


"~sniffle~ Why did you punish me? ~sniffle~ When George Washington told the truth, ~sniffle~ his father did not punish him!~sniffle~ "


"George Washington's father wasn't IN the tree when George Washington chopped it down!"
 
A few items I saw on the "Bad RPrs Suck" forum on Live Journal:

"You know you're a bad RPer...when your comrades give your character to the enemy. (I can't read the name I wrote down, so I can't properly attribute it)

"It's just a matter of using the right type of fire. Incubi, for instance, are best handled with suppressive fire. For greater demons there's indirect fire, and for the really annoying ones there's artillery fire." (beardedtroll)

"Get a piece of wood, about three feet in length and two to four inches in width. Drive a couple of nails through it at one end. Wave said piece of wood frentically in the direction of your RP partner while shouting, "By Jove! Write legible English or I will experimentally verify the the adult human body contains roughly five litres of blood." (beardedtroll)

"And the kicker, and I *knew* you were a girl. He's walking along a dusty road during an Indonesian summer. He's wearing...skin-tight lycra hotpants. What? First of all, we're setting this in the 1920s, which seems a little odd, and second... Skin-tight lycra hotpants. In an Indonesian summer. The bravest man in the world would pale with terror at the thought." (xidiomaticlogic)

"You're assuming that G!d gave them a mind. He might just have given them a Whack-A-Mole game." (channonyarrow)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 
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fishing_with_moses.jpg
 
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the wife looks at him, and asks a question...

Wife: "What would you do if I suddenly died? Would you get married
again?"
Husband: "Definitely not."
Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay. Okay. I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would!?" (with a hurt look)
Husband: (Makes audible groan)
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure. It's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably. It's almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
Husband: "No. I'm sure she'd want h er own ."
Wife: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
Husband: "Yes, those are always good times."
Wife: "Would she use my clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
Wife: (Silence)
Husband: "****."
 
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