Hi, I'm new and need theories or suggestions or advice or something, or just comments but I can't keep it all locked in my own mind any longer. Any ideas anyone has about what's going on here, from any perspective would be very welcome. First the background; I'm sorry it's long.
I became a Protestant Christian when I was about 12, probably for stupid reasons. Soon though I did proper research into the arguments for it. I was interested in miracles, and used to seek out modern stories of them. Because Jesus said anything asked for in his name would be granted, once when I desperately wanted to escape a situation in school, in a class I did a silent prayer that something would cause that class to be interrupted so that what I feared wouldn't happen. For the first time I managed to force myself to believe it would happen, and felt peaceful afterwards. Some minutes later a fire alarm went of unexpectedly and we had to leave and follow the protocol until the lesson was scheduled to be over. My belief was firmer after that.
A couple of years later I heard of the belief that Old Testament laws should still be kept, such as not eating pork. I had vegetarian ideals by then, but was still eating meat when I was given it for dinner. I asked God to somehow show me if that was true or not. Soon afterwards that same day, I developed a strange hiccup that sounded just like a pig's noise. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I didn't actually make the connection until my mum or sister pointed out that it sounded like one.
These incidents, along with the evidence of Biblical accuracy presented on websites, are what have kept me broadly 'Christian' until now. Then earlier this year, I found some doubts were niggling too much too ignore, and found some Eastern/Oriental Orthodox Christian views of those issues. I found them more plausible than either Protestant or RC views, and from what I could tell online, the people were much more sensible and secure about their beliefs than any Christians I'd seen before, without being any less serious about them or appearing irrationally selective.
The night I decided to think of myself as more Orthodox than Protestant felt strange, because I knew the Protestant view was that non-protestants would go to Hell. I had been having episodes of
sleep paralysis every month for a while, and had decided that in my case, the 'associated experiences' were hallucinatory, not spiritual or demonic, unlike the stories some people tell that can't be explained by hallucinations or scientists' current theories about it. At that point I though mine were just things my part-awake part-asleep brain conjured up. Then that night I had one involving a tall figure I couldn't see from my position, I sensed standing in a 'T' position at my feet, which moved down on top of me, so that a tingling sensation overtook my body as if it was inside me. I heard what I assumed was the being whispering something about something 'in the water'. I had learned to keep quite calm, and it was later when I realised that I'd had no episodes since that I wondered if it had been an angel, ending the attacks as a gesture that my decision was a good one and refering to my concerns about water baptism. This was in June, and I had no more sleep paralysis until November. I couldn't decide whether something was the right thing to do and started to fall asleep with it bothering me. I was woken by the sensations of something suggesting what I had been thinking about in an unpleasant context while paralysed, and supposed I was being warned.
Then no more, until last night. Yesterday I had the biggest crisis of faith ever, as the things that I had been able to explain away in long-winded speculative ways suddenly seemed insurmountable. Earlier that day I researched Hare Krishna beliefs and practices and thought I preferred their attitude to those things, although I couldn't immediately see any empirical reasons for their concrete beliefs, unlike with Christianity. From early this morning I was reminded of the feeling of waking to paralysis and laboured breathing, falling asleep, waking to it again ad nauseum. At least I wasn't aware of other activity around me this time.
What concerns me is that it's as if I'm being encouraged towards Orthodox Christianity; when I adopt it, the SP stops, when I come close to abandoning it, it starts again. Is this God pointing me in the right direction? I really have trouble understanding some of the attitudes of the Christian God, especially in the Old Testament. I can't reconcile them with other things claimed about Him. Or, could there be other supernatural powers at work, messing with me. That one in particular might explain how it seems that all three major Christian denominations along with Islam seem to demonstrate apparent miracles and exorcisms that I can't easily dismiss, despite their significant differences. Am I slightly mad? I actually find this the kindest possibility. Much of the time I'm not enthusiastic about my spirituality and don't think about it, then I'll have bouts lasting no more than a week of being fiercely curious and relishing it. I've been that way the whole time. Perhaps something is happening in my brain chemistry that's affecting both my sense of spiritualism and my tendency to SP, or if the unique combination of emotion surrounding conversion affects SP. I don't know if that would explain though how one time, a conversion experience is followed by a ceasing of it, and another time is followed by its return. I don't know enough about the brain to say, and I don't think anyone does.
I'd really like a sceptical/atheist perspective as well as every spriritual one possible. Don't be afraid of offending me in any way, please just be honest; I'm scared of what may happen in the night and when I die, and a bit fed up with the whole thing. I'm tired of thinking of alternative explanations only after becoming invested in one or another.
Thanks in advance.
