As for the concern that men do not make themselves emotionally vulnerable or accessible because to do so would lead to unfaithfulness, I feel this isn't accurate. To justify men's emotional cowardice by saying that they would be necessarily be unfaithful to their partner if they were more emotionally open is, I believe, a weak argument--and one that is again based on gender stereotypes that men always think first with their dicks.
Hello and greetings, Pathless!
I'm thinking I might have been a little misunderstood, and most likely I didn't properly communicate my view -- though I would say my post was actually incomplete. I didn't bother covering loop-holes to prevent possible misunderstanding.
Yes I did "exaggerate" to some extent. The setting up of straw men was deliberate, but only to get the gist of my message across.
Certainly not all men are sluts.
Rather ironic! The word "slut" is usually reserved for women.
To justify men's emotional cowardice by saying that they would be necessarily be unfaithful to their partner if they were more emotionally open is, I believe, a weak argument--and one that is again based on gender stereotypes that men always think first with their dicks.
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The more men or women repress their feelings, the less alive they become. People who are not honest with themselves and others undermine trust. Reading that sentence, the logic seems self-evident, yet as a culture we continue to applaud or condone men for stonewalling emotionally. I really do not think men's emotional impotence and anorexia is anything to be proud of or condone.
Ultimate and strict suppression of emotion wasn't what I was promoting, but what I was merely saying is that men suppressing their emotions may be a good thing especially in front of women who are not their spouse. It's natural for a woman to express her feelings -- no problem there.
A man not sharing his feelings with his wife will obviously be a problem. Emotions aren't necessarily detrimental to a man's marriage, but withholding personal feelings is probably more likely to be detrimental to the relationship. It doesn't mean that a man should be transparent all the time. If he never or rarely shares his deeply personal issues, his wife can't help him, but if he is completely open his wife probably wouldn't like it either. She'd know about all his dark secrets, and would probably be disgusted with the man she'd married. Ultimately, he has to tell her eventually about his concerns and plans for the future. His wife is supposed to be an ally, a confidant. If he doesn't tell her about the things that are important to him, she can't help him.
There is, however, something worse than a man not sharing his deeply personal issues with his wife -- it's if he shares it with someone else -- it could be another woman (a possible affair), another man (male bonding) or drinking beer at the pub, etc. If it's not another person then it's some activity that he uses as a diversion -- playing golf or going fishing or something else. He develops an "emotional bond" with someone or something else other than his wife.
With regards to a man sharing feelings with a person other than his wife -- yes it might be a danger (but not always). It's the possibility for him establishing an emotional bond with another woman. It opens up the possibility that he may think that this other woman is better than his wife. It's a diplomatic and political exchange. He is sending signals to the other person. Not all friendships will lead to that possibility, but many friendships fall in the category of "a friend with benefits" (if you know what I mean). If you have a friend like that, a friend with which you would consider having romantic afflications, you already have the motivation to pursue some form of "infidelity," even if it's not "sexual," "physical" or even "lustful." An emotional bond, a fantasy of a future with that person, is enough to be ........ dangerous........ Men and women don't have to make physical contact to be "unfaithful." An emotional interaction may be enough.
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For me personally, I'm not really interested in the moral implications. The man undoubtedly has emotional needs, and most of us need some time to deal with them. It's not always the man's fault. People often have a lot of expectations of men, and we feel under pressure to meet them. Our state of mind doesn't matter to people. People don't care about our state of mind. They want us to do what they expect us to do, regardless of how impossible the task especially with the emotional load we carry. Whatever explanation we give them will never be good enough.
The hope is that their wives/girlfriends/partners will understand, but since we often don't express the deeply personal aspects of our lives, and because women often have their own agenda (not aligned with our's), it is not the fault of women either. It's not really anyone's fault. It's just that our scope of knowledge and understanding is insufficient. Time is also, often, short.
But this is exactly why things go wrong. We don't express our feelings that much, and as a result people think we don't have any. When we finally come round, they don't want to hear about it. So we go and find someone else or something else as an emotional outlet.
Men aren't to be criticised. That's not my point, as I am a man myself. Because women express themselves more, they think it's normal to express one's feelings and to be transparent when one possesses feelings. If there is no expression then they assume there is no emotion. Because men
behave so "logically" and "rationally" they often assume, with the cynical belief that men are systematically conjuring up some kind of conspiracy when they hide their personal feelings (ie. they are lying, or trying to manipulate women).
Men hiding their feelings is an act that is seen as unjustifiable, illogical, unreasonable and unwise from a woman's point of view. But that's the problem. Women naturally express themselves. Men naturally hide their feelings. Women are criticised, by men, for expressing themselves too much and unnecessarily. Men are criticised by women for not expressing themselves when it matters, that they fail to see the importance of opening up. I disagree with the criticism. Because this behaviour is natural we should instead ask why this behaviour and attitude in men and women is useful and exploit it. How can we take advantage of human nature for our mutual benefit?
What I mean is that we will never understand why things go wrong in relationships if we don't understand people's behaviour. A lot of relationships are torn apart because men and women don't understand the natural personality of the opposite sex. Instead what they do is emotional damage, and each side blames the other for having the wrong attitude. Nature should not be criticised, but exploited to our advantage. Rather than letting nature destroy relationships, we should instead turn the tables and use nature itself to reinforce the relationship.
