Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

Saltmeister said:
Klingons can often be rude and pompous.

As for being considerate of civilians, if you've spent your whole life facing death and getting used to it, you should be able to survive without a cigarette. It should be a part of your training. Drink to the bravery of your abstinence!
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Indeed. :eek:
 
Facing death... facing the day without a cigarette... facing death... facing the day without a cigarette....
I'm not sure which is harder. Do I have to go without coffee, too?
 
bob x said:
Facing death... facing the day without a cigarette... facing death... facing the day without a cigarette....
I'm not sure which is harder. Do I have to go without coffee, too?
Click to expand...

If you can't go without cigarettes and coffee, maybe some porn will help.:D

Cigarettes contain nicotine. Coffee contains caffeine. Both have adverse effects on your health. But porn is much safer. You don't have to be Father Jack. Of course, I wonder what enemy soldiers may think if they discover an abandoned picture of Madonna or Marilyn Monroe, left behind by a retreating regiment.

This is perhaps where Steve Jobs comes to the rescue. Give an iPhone to every soldier that needs those forbidden images to stay claim and have it digitally stored in the iPhone itself. Make it password-protected so that it'll be a secret that enemy soldiers will never discover. They won't find out about the rotten culture or lifestyle of the enemy they are fighting.

Of course, the soldiers need to be trained to keep this a secret. One section of the training manuals would explain what to do if you ever need to leave an iPhone behind. iPhones are fairly light, but losing those extra grams may become crucial in a hasty retreat.

They could even be programmed to shut down after five minutes. Your soldiers would have to keep pressing buttons to keep it on but that isn't so bad because it keeps them looking at those pretty pictures. An enemy soldier who wants to see those pictures will have to infiltrate your position really quickly and anyone who does that would have to be pretty desperate -- provided that they even know those pictures are on the iPhone. Imagine if that was a mission objective: capture the porn.

Let us hope that there are enough iPhones to go around. If there isn't enough, there's going to be a lot of conflict among comrades.....

SOLDIER 1: Darn I'm getting nervous. Give me that iPhone!!!

SOLDIER 2: Why don't you get your own iPhone? Don't you understand why it's called an "iPhone?" The "I" in iPhone implies it belongs to "me." It is "my-Phone."

SOLDIER 1: I need to maintain combat effectiveness. Steve Jobs needs to release an iPorn!!!!

With all those propaganda pamphlets your army distributes, the rest of the world can go on thinking that your country's soldiers are holy warriors who don't sin. They say you hate the sinner but not the sin, but in a war setting, you tend to hate the soldiers.
 
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http://www.arcamax.com/newspics/24/2484/248414.gif
 
In baseball the team with the most runs wins, not the team with the most strikes, ties, fouls and balls, completely the opposite of how congress works.
 
Yikes! Lets celebrate them on Chinese New year instead of having separate birthdays, unless they object.
 
The Tome of Great and Wise Sayings of the Wise:

Benevolent and disrespectful is the apple and cares not that they eat it, but worms must beware the orange's oil. Its burning orangeness, like the sun, shall show them much respect.

Coffee and lemonade can both be made sweet, but never make them salty if you would have repeat business.

Into the fire go not, and quickly withdraw thine hand from the boiling water.

Sufficiently spiced is almost too much spice, and too much is as wrong as too little.

A rat will happily taste the wares, but don't tell the customers about it.

There is no end to wisdom, and the entirety of what can be said never is. Be thankful.
 
A post I read on another public site that reminded me (somewhat) of a couple here on IO (hopefully it wasn't about them/they won't encounter this situation): I'm just paraphrasing it to protect the innocent.

And the guilty.
*******************
A couple, the wife originally from Down Under and the husband from the US, hosted Thanksgiving dinner with their family and friends.

In the middle of the meal, their :kitty: brought in an extra guest: a live rat. :kitty: then set it free in the house.

You can guess the rest. :D

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 
A two-for-one sale. ;)

1) If God had intended us not to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of meat. - John Cleese

2) Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - Samuel Langhorn Clemens (Mark Twain)
*********************************

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 
From another electronic forum I belong to:

The OOC/IC divide is an ancient creature known to be worshipped by rpers of old, representing the innate understanding of the separation between one's self and a character. This allowed for emotionally complex scenes, with character actions resulting in natural consequences without great harm to the feelings of the rper.

Scholars speculate this magnificent beast began to die out around the rise of the self insert dynasty, where rpers foolishly became overly emotional and attached to a scene, leading to hurt feelings, nasty personal attacks, and the eventual Great Flounce in the early twentieth century. While it is rumoured that the divide thrives on in communities where everyone is not a gigantic wanker, few have ever caught a glimpse.
Click to expand...

The moniker for the poster is dragon_infusion (the forum is Bad RPers Suck.)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 
Lecturer: The lecturer is taking the class seriously.
One of the student looking towards the window side in the class room.
The lecturer asks the student "For what purpose you are coming to the school?"
Student: For vidhya sir(In Telugu Vidhya means Education).
Lecturer: Then why you are looking towards window?
Student: Vidhya(Girl friend) has not come upto now sir.
 
Quick someone crack a joke!



Okay! Why did the chicken cross the road?...... To make cow and chicken!
 
Several world-renowned topnotch scientists finally succeeded in an experiment in creating an amoeba in a laboratory by mixing sterilized soil, water and amino acids and by precisely controlling the temperature and humidity. So they go to God in high spirits and declare "God, we now know how to create a life-form, so we don't need you as our Creator..."

God asks back, "Oh? You did? Then show me..."

One of the scientists proudly proceeds, "Well, first, take some dirt here and..."

God then interrupted him, "Whoa, wait a second, get your own dirt."
 
april_2_258_.jpg


The Egg
By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
 
Short but sweet: Tovarish, openwork headboard, game of "Catch-the-Tail" (tail always evades capture.)

I'd post videos of her but I don't have a camera or a functioning computer at home. :eek: I hope everybody can visualize the scenario, especially the look of "Don't laugh, servant. I meant to do that."

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 
What do you mean, “What’s wrong with my attitude?”

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

Did you ever notice the Roman numeral for forty is ‘XL’

The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell just how much trouble he’s in.

Be thankful. For instance I was thinking just this morning how thankful I am that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice when you put these two together “the” and “IRS” -- it spells ‘Theirs’.
 
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