Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

RICHARD AND JUDY​
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er .. .......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?​


LINCS FM PHONE-IN​
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona .
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..​


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)​
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific..​


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )​
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?​


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)​
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?​


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)​
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?​



CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )​
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan .
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ........... Mexico ?​


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )​
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.​


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)​
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.​


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)​
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ..... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?​


THE VAULT​
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.​


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)​
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.​


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)​
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.​

s.
 
Snoopy,

I'm attaching my reaction to the contestants.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 

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I'm posting the link so that anybody who wants to see/read it can do so without fear of reprisals.

Two Lumps

There are several pseudo-haiku recited by Snooch (the :kitty: wearing the headband.) Just look through the archives for the headband. ;)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 
Three Religious Truths.

1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Saviour.

2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as their religious leader.

3. Baptists don't recognize other Baptists in bars.
 
Something that the present and former Australian delegation might appreciate that I found on I Can Has Cheezburger.com.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
 

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Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine said:
I cannot do this justice. Q1 and other former (and present) military people will find this funny (perhaps laughing so hard that they'll have to change their BVDs.)

Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes Navy Seal’s Fate is Sealed

Enjoy the somewhat clean humor. :D

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
Click to expand...
Um, it's not "former" military, just retired (on in-active standby). And to me that wasn't funny, just embarrassing, and angering. We are supposed to put civilians at the TOP of our respect list...not the bottom. Civilians outrank us. We don't treat people we're supposed to protect that way, ever (at least that is the code). :eek:

v/r

Q
 
Quahom1 said:
Um, it's not "former" military, just retired (on in-active standby). And to me that wasn't funny, just embarrassing, and angering. We are supposed to put civilians at the TOP of our respect list...not the bottom. Civilians outrank us. We don't treat people we're supposed to protect that way, ever (at least that is the code). :eek:
Click to expand...

Klingons can often be rude and pompous.

As for being considerate of civilians, if you've spent your whole life facing death and getting used to it, you should be able to survive without a cigarette. It should be a part of your training. Drink to the bravery of your abstinence!
 
wil said:
Three Religious Truths.

1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Saviour.

2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as their religious leader.

3. Baptists don't recognize other Baptists in bars.
Click to expand...

Three Religious Truths.

1. Farting is ok.

2. Klingons are rude and pompous.

3. Jack and Jill went up the hill ......
 
in New York City, at a busy intersection in Times Square. Thereare two dogs sitting by the curbside, watching the people hurrying by, always busy and in a rush. And one dog says to the other, ‘You know, reincarnation gives me the creeps.’”
 
“There are three monks, who had been sitting in deep meditation for many years amidst the Himalayan snow peaks, never speaking a word, in utter silence. One morning, one of the three suddenly speaks up and says, ‘What a lovely morning this is.’ And he falls silent again. Five years of silence pass, when all at once the second monk speaks up and says, ‘But we could do with some rain.’ There is silence among them for another five years, when suddenly the third monk says, ‘Why can’t you two stop chattering?”
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WIT NESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
Three Religious Truths: 1. Truth is subjective 2. We can't empirically prove we ourselves exist let alone God. 3. It's a big universe and there may be more than one, so don't overly fixate on any one "truth."
 
An idiot comedian was trying to think of a joke and had been at it all day. As he focused and grimaced it occurred to him to tell the story of an idiot who went fishing at a hot spring, since hot springs have no fish. Ha ha it would be funny. Unfortunately he couldn't think of a punch line and was about to give up when all of a sudden his wife called on the cell to ask him how long he was going to be fishing for joke ideas.
 
jeff197139 said:
Three Religious Truths: 1. Truth is subjective 2. We can't empirically prove we ourselves exist let alone God. 3. It's a big universe and there may be more than one, so don't overly fixate on any one "truth."
Click to expand...
Religion is subjective, Math is absolute, Man is resolute, and....what was the question ? :confused: :eek::eek: oh, sugar...I hate when that happens
 
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