Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

Today's (beware the cute!) From icanhascheezburger.com.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

 

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

"Be careful of the toes you step on today because they may be connected to the a$$ you have to kiss tomorrow." - the_goren_show

I found this response to a thread on another forum I belong to (and it's quite apropos!)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

 

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

In this case, follow (or lead) the longhaired tortie .

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

 

[iBrian]

Just found a couple of nice quotes from Bill Hicks relevant here:

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

 

[Saltmeister]

From Home Improvement:

Randy: Hey Beth, what do you call bad lemonade?
Beth: What?
Randy: Lemonade lemonade.
[Beth, Brad and Jennifer force laughter]
Randy: Man, that's the last time I use one of Dad's jokes.

. . . from the fact that . . . you know . . . lemonade is the same colour as . . . (you know what I mean, right?)

 

[Saltmeister]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. When he
comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered. 'He's gonna be a politician!'

Just wondering. Wouldn't the boy have been suspicious as to why the objects were there?

Hey what are these doing here?

Turns around and spots the preacher hiding behind the door!

Darn my Dad is spying on me!

 

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

Another two from Lolcats and Funny Pictures [I Can Has Cheezburger.com] (one a "Christmas Theme"):

Sorry about this, but my other sources of humor are "questionable" right now.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

 

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

Just on the radio: a representative of Chippewa Falls, WI who was busted three times in the past year for DUI is in Madison right now. Voting on a new Drunk Driving bill.

I wish I was making this up!

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

 

[wil]

Isn't there something just ....just .... wrong... about a cat looking at a chinese menu?


haz #31?....you is #31!

 

[wil]

I was drivin thru DC and caught a sign in front of a church....

God so loved the world....

He didn't send a committee...

 

[Lillydragon]

in the spirit of tax season:

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

 

[nativeastral]

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.



for those who like jokes, 'one liners' from We think this is funny!

 

[bob x]

A new verse for a Bob Dylan song (I only sing Dylan songs, since it is only in comparison to him that my voice sounds good):

How many times must a man bang his head
Before he can seeeee the shelf?
How much money can one man spend
Trying to fix it by himself?
Yes and how many times can one man forget
Anniversary is August the twelfth?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind!

 

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

Another from I Can Has Cheezburger.com that some people should take note of.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

 

[Dream]

Ok, I'm a True Illuminati. I'm offering the amazing people here at Interfaith the opportunity of a lifetime! To join. After we meet at a prearranged B&N location, we will travel to the Illuminati Initiatory. You will then be given your initiation rites and the implantation of some electronic hearing devices which will help you to master the wonderful secrets that you will be learning. During initiation you will receive a Luminary Transformation CD, gold Illuminati t-shirt & socks combo pack, an Illuminati SYMBOL Decoder, and the secret illuminati family website address. Welcome Brethrin, Sistrin & also Childerin!

Becoming a True Illuminati is special! Meet me at the downtown Barnes and Noble at 5:30pm, and bring a blindfold, an extra change of clothes + 69.66$ (exact change) We will be out late, so make arrangements ahead of time. Long live the Illuminati!

 

[Al Debaran]

The Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

The German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

The Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an @rsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!

 

[Al Debaran]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

 

[Saltmeister]

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Oh darn. How did you think of those? How about I try some of my own . . .

Can you turn off the lights so I can see in the dark?

I just cooked you a dinner you've already eaten.

Why don't you watch where you're looking?

I've been having problems with my computer all week. I did what Technical Support told me to do. I threw it in the rubbish and all the problems are gone.

I was dead before I was even born.

It's not funny until you're laughing and you can't laugh at something until you find it funny.

You age and get old a lot faster when the same day repeats itself again and again.

If life is the pursuit of happiness, death must be the best thing that can happen to anyone.

 

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

From my dear brother's ( ) lips:

1) "Why do I need to tell the eye doctor about my medical history?"

2) "I couldn't get in contact with you when I was diagnosed. Was it important that I inform you of my diagnosis?"

I really wanted to reach through the phone lines, grab him by the neck, pull him through, give him a sound thrashing he wouldn't forget, then return him to original venue just before calling 911.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

 

[shawn]

Where the white man went wrong