Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

I recently spent a large sum of $ on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he is worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look. He said the bull was very healthy but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days -- all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what is in the pills ............ But they kind of taste like peppermint.
 
A therapist was addressing a large male audience on the topic of sex. A small fellow in the back sat happily rocking back and forth. The therapist asked, "How many have physical relations at least once a day?" A few men raised their hands. "How about once a week?" Many more raised their hands, but not the small fellow in the back who was still happily rocking back and forth. "How many have relations once a month?" At this point all except the small fellow in the back had raised their hands. The therapist looked directly at the fellow and asked, "Every 6 months?" The happy little fellow still didn't raise his hand, but was becoming evermore enthusiastic. The therapist then asked, "Once a year?" The little fellow sprang to his feet and shouted, "ME.. RIGHT HERE... IT"S ME!!!" Flabbergasted, the therapist asked, "Once a year? What the hell are you so happy about then?" TONIGHTS THE NIGHT," the man shouted!
 
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Funny stuff guys. Here's one from down under:

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out his beer.
 
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Disclaimer: This is just a joke. It's not intended as an affront to anyone's lifestyle. Again, it's just a joke.

A Texas councilman proposed bringing back death by hanging in murder cases involving male perpetrators. While female perpetrators would continue to receive lethal injection. The lesbian prison population voiced immediate opposition to the proposal, saying they wanted to be hung just like the men!
 
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An Aussie's standing at the urinal in the public excuse-me when another Aussie rushes in and begins using the urinal next to him. Wow the fellow says, I just made it. The first Aussie looks over and says, you made that mate? What happened... run out of gum wood?
 
Re: miracles

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

*********************

Conclusion: In the field of logic p does not always equal q. :)
 
Re: Daily Rant Thread - Post #90, Aussie...

For some reason - reminded me of: While getting ready for bed one evening my bride told me that she thanked the Lord for the invention of the light switch. I was unsure if she was making reference to what father time has done to my unclad body or if her remark was about what she perceived her looks but I just smiled and nodded. Then a strange thing - We had been in bed and silent for quite some time when she rolled over and whispered in my ear... "What's wrong darling? You can't think of anyone either?";)

******

Jeez! I hope my bride never reads this! Its a joke darling...Just a joke...
 
Man rings up his wife; I won the lottery!!! I actually won a million bloody dollars!! Pack your bags!
Wife: That's great! What should I pack for? Beach holiday in Queensland? Skiing in the Mountains?
Husband: I don't care... just so you're gone by the time I get home!
 
Aussie sent this to me yesterday. I just now figured it out....

scampi.jpg
 
My Grandnephew spent a few days with us recently and he told me a pretty funny joke. Now, let me try to clean it up enough for the forum.

Seems there was this young teenage boy who managed to use $500 worth of data on his smart phone in only 2 days. Furious, his father told him if that ever happened again, he'd have to shout up his own butt in order to make a call! 2 days later the boy asked his mom for a roll of toilet tissue. His mother told him that she had just put a fresh roll in the dispenser. The boy told her, "I know, but I have to send a text!":D
 
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The official sign Herr in the US for a playground is the see-saw...
seesaw-sign.jpg

So go to a public playground and try to find a seesaw today...at the playground where a seesaw is the symbol for the playground.

They've been removed, almost all if them, a relic of the past... An educational tool that teaches you before first grade that everyone can't be trusted. A life lesson that you learn you must discriminate when you choose who to be in a partnership role.

Removed from playgrounds, the symbol if the playground. Our society has gone topsy turvy in the teeter totter, and thats a joke.
 
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